Kay's Way

Taxes And Rain Clouds

2012-02-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

Woke up to a dark, cloudy morning. They say it won't rain today but it “might” rain Monday and Tuesday. Fixed breakfast and put a load of laundry into the washer. Had a “sneak grief attack” this morning. I have not had one in quite awhile so was a little surprised when this one hit. They come without warning and just about anything can bring them on. I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth. I wasn't even thinking about Ben when all of a sudden I thought of that day again when Ben was lying in the hospital bed and I kissed his cheek, hugged him and whispered into his ear that I loved him and that he was my life. I felt his kiss on my cheek and once again heard him whisper “you're my life too” and suddenly, there I was, standing in my bathroom sobbing. Took Hiker for a 1.92 mile walk this morning. Could not take her for an afternoon walk because I had to go have my taxes done. Had to drive to La Canada which is about 25 miles one way to the home of my tax man. This was my first time there in over 30 years without Ben and I did not looking forward to going. Plus it may suck. I may have to end up paying this year because of some of my investments. Will have to wait and see. On the drive back home, I came around the curve from Interstate 5 onto State Route 14 and the sky in front of me was really black. Just as I got to my off ramp, the sky opened up and it poured the rest of the way home. When I walked into the house, Hiker was sitting on the sofa. That's where she was when I left so I don't know if she stayed in that same spot the entire time I was gone or what.

1 Walk - 1 Hike Day

2012-02-10T16:56:00.001-08:00

Another beautiful day here this morning when we woke up. You would not know that it was winter here in SoCal. Made breakfast for me and Hiker (she gets a poached egg when I do) and then I headed over to the bank and stopped by Big Lots on my way home to pick up a flash drive for my photos. Then when I got home, Hiker and I went for a 2.47 mile walk. Took us about 45 minutes. It was almost 70° when we left just before 10:00 am. We walked down the normal route and then cut over and walked around the parameter of the Jr. High School. I think Hiker was pooped when we got home because she “collapsed” on the floor in front of the open front door and went to sleep. Got a notice from our community today stating that “someone” has been going up on the porches of the homes in our gated community and rattling the doors to see if they find any unlocked. I guess this is happening very early in the morning and people have been awakened by the noise. Last night around 8:00 pm Hiker was growling and barking at the front door and the hair on her neck was standing up. I went to check and saw nothing. That's why I hate to tell her to stop barking when she barks at neighbors or people walking by because I want her to guard her home and protect me. The notice also said that the community and Time Warner still have not come to an agreement about the Internet connections here. I sure hope TW doesn't drop us because I would rather not switch to a new Internet provider. I like having cable. It's faster than DSL and I hate to think that I might have to work with AT&T again to get an Internet connection. I contacted Verizon to see if their FiOS Internet was available in my area, but it's not. They told me they could offer me some promotions for AT&T U-Verse Internet which I thought was strange because I was talking with Verizon NOT AT&T. I took Hiker up to PetSmart this afternoon and she and I just wandered around the store looking at everything. We found a box in the back of the store with “clearance” dog toys in it. Hiker picked out two new toys. A little orange spotted snake and a little black and white whale. On the way home, she had her head in the plastic bag trying to get to them. Linda had texted me around lunchtime that she wanted to take an afternoon walk, so Hiker and I are going to pick her up around 3:30 pm and head over to Central Park for another walk. It got up to 80° again today. Hiker and I got back from our short hike with Linda just before 5:00 pm.

Nice Day - Nice Hike

2012-02-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

Beautiful morning when Hiker and I went out for a 1.8 mile walk this morning. Wanted to get the walk done before I headed over to Sam's Club for some shopping. Why does everything cost so much at the grocery store? Now I need to go over to the bank and get some more cash. After lunch I took Hiker over to Central Park and we hiked up the trail behind the park to the big water tank. It was 85° and we hiked 1.64 miles. Not a long hike, but the views were nice. When we got home I opened the sliding doors and the front door and Hiker stretched out on the hardwood floor I the entry in front of the door. Guess she was pooped.

A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

2012-02-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

Had one happy doggie today. She got to ride with me to Wal-Mart while I did my shopping and when we got home, she found out there was a new doggie toy in the bags. But whoever made the toy obviously made it for a “foo foo dog” who doesn't play rough because within 5 minutes, she had its head torn off. It's a piece of rope with the head and tail of a raccoon at each end. They had the head (and tail) sewn on with just one little piece of thread. So I got out the heavy duty thread (twine) and sewed the head back on for her. They she proceeded to tear the tail off, so I had to fix it too. Anyway after we did the fix on “Rocky” we went for a 1.5 mile walk which really made Hiker happy. She was just prancing along while I was getting winded because I'm still not totally over this cold. After lunch Hiker and I went into the backyard to play ball. She ran in front of where I was throwing the ball and it hit her right in the face. She yipped a little but then ran after the ball. I felt bad for hitting her with the ball, but she seemed OK after. Beautiful day outside. Sunny, clear, 75° and breezy. Another wasted hiking day. Sure will be glad when I am totally rid of this cold so Hiker and I can get out on the mountain trails again. I'm sure she is looking forward to that also. Decided to go for a second walk today. Hiker and I walked around inside our gated community. Did another 1.1 mile. When we got home, she was tired and went to sleep on the sofa next to me. I think she had a good day (except for getting hit in the face with a tennis ball).

Grief Group & Pizza Lunch

2012-02-07T15:25:00.000-08:00

Keith left this morning around 9:30 am as I was leaving to head over to the Senior Center for my Grief Support Group. I left Hiker inside the house this time because I knew I would not be gone as long as we were yesterday. My friend DeDee met me at the group and after group, she and I met Linda over at the main building of the Center because she was there volunteering today and the three of us headed over to the pizza parlor for lunch. As usual, we had a great time. When I got home, Hiker did not come running to the door as usual, she kind of “crawled on her belly” up to me like she had been bad, but once I said “Hi” to her and started to hug her, she was happy again and started licking me. I checked around the house and she was a good girl again, so I don't know why she was acting like she had been bad. We were supposed to get a rain storm today and all we got was a little rain fall while I was driving over to the Center and that was it. The sun came out around 3:00 PM and no more storm. WE NEED MORE RAIN!

A Day Of Memories

2012-02-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

Today my brother Keith and I went to the memorial service of our Aunt Wanda. It was at the Inglewood Park Cemetery in Inglewood, CA. Was a very nice turn-out. Keith sang and did a little spiritual service then my Cousin Lynda said a few words (she is Wanda's daughter), our Uncle Gus who is almost 93 said a few words about his sister-in-law and the Lynda's sister, my Cousin Carol said a few words. Some of Wanda's grandchildren and great-grandchildren also spoke. My Aunt was laid to rest next to her father and mother (my grandparents). After the service we all went to a Mexican Restaurant for lunch and the food was excellent. Was nice to see my family. I had put Hiker in the garage because I knew we were going to be gone a long time and I was afraid she'd have an accident in the house. We were gone for 6 hours and she was a very good girl. I let her out into the backyard immediately because she started peeing as was so excited to see me. She jumped all over me and kissed me for a long time.

Waiting For My Brother

2012-02-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

Well last night I watched “Marley And Me” before I went to bed. Hiker had gone into the bedroom and was asleep on my bed and when the movie was over, I went straight into the bedroom and started hugging Hiker. Those of you who have seen that movie and have dogs know why I did that. Still had “crud” in my sinuses when I woke up this morning. I've been using that Neti Pot every day and it helps, but still takes awhile to get over this virus. It was another beautiful day here, in the low-70's. After lunch I decided to walk Hiker down to the park. Took it slow and didn't do our normal walk, but she was happy to get out. She got so excited that she was going to go that she peed in the entry. At least I have a wood floor in there. I think she just was overwhelmed by the fact that I was going to take her out. Got a call from Keith right after we got back that he will be here between 5:00 and 6:00 PM to spend the night. He and I are going to our Aunt's funeral tomorrow down in Inglewood then he will spend Monday night and head home Tuesday.

I'm Getting Better Each Day

2012-02-04T15:35:00.001-08:00

Felt better when I got up this morning. I've been using the Neti Pot daily and I think it is helping. Thank you Linda for bringing it to me. I decided to continue resting all weekend because I want to get totally well before I get back to walking Hiker, cleaning house etc. I would not want to have a relapse. After having watched a very good movie on Hallmark and having my lunch, I decided to go out to the patio and sit in Ben's easy chair (which Keith and I had moved out to the patio from the house in December). Brought my computer out and let Hiker run around the yard. She seems to stay outside longer if I'm outside with her and she needs to get out and play since we have not been able to go for our walks. Plus I need the fresh air. I've been in the house for 7 days and I'm sure the air inside gets very stale. While we were out there, I noticed an aggressive hummingbird hanging around the hook where I usually have the feeder. He was really making noise with his wings. So not only are my flowers blooming early, the hummers are coming back. So I filled the feeder and I'm hoping he will return.

Couch Potato

2012-02-03T15:59:00.001-08:00

I was so tired last night when I went to bed that I fell to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. This cold really has me down. I was supposed to go have my taxes done today but decided to call and reschedule because I didn't feel like driving over to La Canada to my tax man's home. So now I won't have to go there until a week from tomorrow. I just hope I get better over the weekend because my brother Keith and I are supposed to go to our Aunt's memorial service on Monday. Although Keith emailed me today that his back has gone out on him so he may not be able to go anyway. Ever since I've had this head cold, I have totally lost track of time. I usually always run a load of laundry on Friday morning and I had totally forgotten about doing that until this afternoon. Oh well. It's not like I had anything else to do. Poor Hiker, I can tell she is so bored. She just lays around watching me. She just doesn't understand why we are not out walking and hiking. She will be so happy when I'm well enough again to take her out on the trails. With this crazy weather we've been having my flower garden is all confused. My glads and my daffodils are already blooming. I just noticed them this morning when I looked out the window. So It's been another day of just sitting on the sofa watching TV, stopping now and then to go put a puzzle piece into place on the jigsaw puzzle and checking my email and Facebook every once in awhile. At least I'm not out spreading my germs around (LOL).

Happy Doggie

2012-02-02T15:57:00.000-08:00

Seems like I start to feel better at night just before I go to bed but then when I wake up in the morning, I'm all stuffed up and feeling bad again. Everyone I talk to who has had this or has it now tells me that it takes weeks to get over it. Linda sent me a message this morning that she was going to go out and get me a Neti Pot and bring it over and show me how to use it. I researched YouTube and found videos there on how to use one. Linda came by around 11:30 am and brought the Neti Pot. After she left, I had lunch and then used the pot. It cleared my passages, but made my ears feel strange. I know that the sinuses and ears are all connected, so I know that's why I'm having that sensation. I was actually breathing through my nose again! It's weird how when you passages are really clear how you can actually feel the air flowing through them. I decided I really needed to get out of the stale air of the house and Hiker has been wanting to go for a walk so bad. I decided to take her out for a very short walk. She was so happy to be out walking with me. We didn't go very far and we walked slowly, but she was satisfied. It got up to 76° here today.

Sad Day

2012-02-01T16:03:00.000-08:00

Was not as stuffed up this morning as I have been the last 3 mornings. Still don't feel all that well though. Have a slight headache, I'm coughing and I feel a little weak. I keep telling Hiker that I promise as soon as I get well, I will take her for a hike. She seems to understand because she stopped going for her leash which is hanging on the door. The first couple of days, she would go over and pull on her leash with her teeth and she stopped doing that now. I was running out of orange juice so I went over to the grocery story to pick some up and while I was there, I picked up a few other things I needed. I took Hiker with me. She seems happy as long as she's with me, so I try to take her with me when I can. She understands when we are going to go somewhere in the car because I tell her “we are going in the car” and she goes out the door and goes around to the passenger side of the car and waits for me to open the door for her. When I say “let's go to bed” she runs into the bedroom, jumps on the bed and curls up by Ben's pillow. We just hung out all day at home again...watching TV and working my jigsaw puzzle. Hiker kept bringing toys to me to toss around for her. Got a call from my Cousin Lynda this afternoon that her mom (my mom's last sibling) had just passed away. We knew it was coming as she was 88 years old and sick. She was down to 78 lbs.

In loving memory of my Aunt Wanda

I'm Sick Of Being Sick

2012-01-31T15:28:00.001-08:00

Each day I seem to feel worse instead of better. Not sleeping well so that doesn't help, and I'm not hungry but I've been forcing myself to eat because I know I need to. I really feel so bad for Hiker because she wants to go out walking so bad. Last night she was a “wild dog” because she has not been able to burn her energy off. I got brave and got out of bead around 8:30 am, got dressed, put Hiker in the car and drove over to the Kaiser Pharmacy to pick up my B/P prescriptions and then stopped by Wal-Mart on the way home to pick up some cough syrup, aspirin and a decongestant. Felt like crap the entire time I was out. Ran into my friend Sandi Owens coming out of Kaiser. She had been there for her physical therapy. Thought it was very strange...when I got to the pharmacy, there was no one there but me and the pharmacy workers. After I got home, I saw an email from Linda telling me that she could drive me over to the pharmacy while she was out running errands, but by that time, I'd already been there and back. Usually I have to wait in a line. I don't have an appetite, but I've been making myself eat.

Still Under The Weather

2012-01-30T15:33:00.000-08:00

Actually felt worse when I woke up this morning than I did when I woke up yesterday morning. Have not slept very well for two nights now because of coughing and stuffy nose. It was 32° this morning when I let Hiker out to go potty. Yesterday Hiker was bouncing off the walls because I could not take her for a walk so I'm sure she will be the same today. I really wish there was some way she could understand. She kept looking at me and barking at me. Mostly just laid around on the sofa all day watching TV and checking the Facebook. Hiker went out into the backyard a few times but she mostly just laid in the sun or on the steps next to the sliding door. She played with her toys for a little while inside too. But I can tell how much she misses going out for her walks. My brother Ron emailed me that he had a “head cold” with the same symptoms I'm having about 2 weeks ago and everyone where he worked had it. He said it took 2 weeks to get totally over it. I sure hope it doesn't take me that long to get well. I took Linda's suggestion and went out on my patio and sat in the sun for awhile. Hiker kept wanting me to play ball with her and I tried, but I was getting warn out and started coughing so had to stop and come back inside. So all I've done all day was watch TV, check my email and Facebook and work my jigsaw puzzle. I doubt I'll go to my grief support group tomorrow. I would not want to infect anyone with whatever it is I have. But I do hope that I'm feeling better so I can at least take Hiker out for a walk tomorrow.

Sick Sunday

2012-01-29T15:21:00.001-08:00

Woke up not feeling well this morning. When I went to bed last night I noticed I was getting a sore throat then during the night I was having a stuffy nose and had trouble breathing. This morning I still had the sore throat, stuffy nose and also had headache watery eyes and was coughing a little. It felt like a head cold but I have not been around anyone who had a cold. I was with that hiking group, but I didn't come into physical contact with any of them and colds are usually passed through physical contact. I've been wondering if maybe it's an allergic reaction or sinus infection from hiking in the mountains in the wind yesterday. Maybe I inhaled some pollen or something. Hiker knew I was sick. She kept lying next to me with her chin on my leg and looking up at me. Sometimes she whimpers at me too. She just could not understand why I didn't take her out for any walks today and I felt bad about that. It was another beautiful day in the high-70's and I would have loved to have gotten outside with Hiker, but I just did not feel up to it. Watched an old movie on Turner Classic Movies...”The Thrill Of It All” with Doris Day and James Garner. Sometimes it's fun to watch those old movies.

Beautiful Day...Beautiful Hike

2012-01-28T15:40:00.001-08:00

Since weekends have always been harder for me than week days, I tried to stay really busy today. Hiker and I went for a 1 mile walk first thing after we got out of bed and then we headed over to the car wash, got the 4Runner washed and stopped by the gas station to fill it up. I noticed that gas went up 8¢ just since Thursday when I filled the Corolla. Came back home and mopped my laundry room, kitchen, small bathroom and entry. Made lunch and started to watch a movie on TV but it was so pretty outside (75°, sunny and windy) that I just didn't want to stay in the house. After the gardener finished mowing, I put Hiker in the car and we headed over to Towsley Canyon and hiked up to The Narrows and back. A total of 3.2 miles. I took some photographs as the afternoon shadows make things look different there than it does in the early morning when we usually go hiking. I think I pooped Hiker out because once we got home, she curled up on the sofa next to me and went to sleep. So it was a pretty nice day.

Our First Hike With A Group...Well Sort Of

2012-01-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

Linda emailed me that she had heard of a walking/hiking group that met every Friday morning over at William S. Hart Park. She wanted to check them out and go for the hike they were doing in the park. We heard there were 4 dirt trails in the canyons behind the park. I packed up Hiker and picked Linda up around 8:30 and we headed over there. The meet up was supposed to be at 9:00 but several people didn't show up until around 9:15 or later and then instead of starting right off on the hike, they did warm-up stretches which Linda and I never do. Hiker was raring to go and was getting impatient waiting for them to start the hike. We finally headed out for what is known as the Bison Road. We left the park and headed over to Market Street which is where the Senior Center is located. We walked through the Center's parking lot, through a gate and up a dirt trail that climbed up the hill. Linda, Hiker and I usually do more level trails so this one was a little hard on us. Linda was really getting winded so Hiker and I lagged back to stay with her while the rest of the group, which was about 10 or 12 people, sped up the hill. They were probably at least a quarter of a mile ahead of us the entire time, but every now and then they'd yell down to us from where the could see us from a higher level on the trail. Linda and I like to stop and take photographs and this group of people mainly go out for the hike, not to enjoy the scenery as Linda and I do. There were some really nice views from the trail of the Santa Clarita Valley. It was very cloudy while we were out on the trail but not really cold. By the time we got back to the park, we found 3 of the group members sitting at a picnic table waiting to make sure we got there safely. It was a 2 1/2 mile walk and took us just a little over an hour, so we did pretty good. When I got home, I ran a load of laundry, had lunch, watched my soap and then headed over to Food-4-Less to pick up some produce as I had completely ran out of salad fixings. By late afternoon, the wind had come up and had blown away all of the clouds. It was so pretty out that I took Hiker down to the local park for a few minutes. All in all it was a pretty good day.

Bad Dream And Where's Hiker?

2012-01-26T15:17:00.001-08:00

Had a dream about Ben last night and it was not a good one. The dream seemed to start in the middle. Ben was at some kind of hospital or clinic and they were running tests on him and he had needles in his arms where they were giving him something intravenously. He was being his usual self telling me to get him out of there and take him home and saying that the doctors didn't know what they were doing. I remember a young female doctor came and took me out of the room and told me Ben had a leaky valve or ruptured artery or something like that (the dream as not very clear) and she told me that Ben was not going to live. I kept thinking “oh no, I'm losing him all over again” and “how am I going to tell him?” because in the dream Ben was awake and knew what was going on whereas in real life when they told me he was not going to live, he was in kind of a coma and had no clue what was going on. I remember in the dream I was trying to call Ben's brother Lanny but my cell phone battery was dead. I was feeling so helpless and then Hiker woke me up because she needed to go outside. Needless to say, not a fun way to start my day. I glad she woke me up when she did. Took Hiker out for a 1.5 mile walk and then came back home and waited until 10:00 am when Sam's Club opens so I could go up and buy some things. Cannot believe that January is almost over. Is it just me or does January always seem to be the month of the year that goes by the fastest? Took Hiker with me to Sam's Club and had a little scare when I came back out to the car with my groceries. I put the groceries in the trunk. Usually Hiker will raise up out of the seat and watch me but I didn't see her. Then when I went to unlock the door, I didn't see her in the car and I'm thinking “I didn't leave the windows open enough for her to get out” or I'm also thinking “Oh God, someone reached in through the window, unlocked the door and took her”. When I opened the door, she was on the floor under the steering wheel. Scared the heck out of me and I started hugging her and she licked me. Took Hiker for an afternoon walk because it was so pretty outside. 82° and totally clear. We walked out into the middle of the dry riverbed. Hiker just loves to explore out there. Have a small beef roast stewing in the crock pot for Hiker and me. I need to figure out what I'm going to have with it.

Great Lunch Out With The Girls

2012-01-25T15:34:00.000-08:00

Today I met with several of my retired from Lockheed girlfriends for lunch at the Sizzler in Palmdale, CA. Linda went with me. I decided to experiment by letting Hiker stay in the house today while I was gone. As usual, Hiker seemed to know this morning that I was going somewhere and leaving her alone. I try to do everything “normal” each morning so she won't suspect, but she is just too damn smart for me. Linda came by around 10:30 am and we headed up to the Jack-In-The-Box parking lot to pick up our friends Lynn Toler and Judy Arbogast, then headed up the freeway to Palmdale. Everyone showed up. There was 10 of us and as usual, we all had a good time. My friend Suzi Blagg, who just retired in December was there and it was so good to see her and catch up. She and I used to be “cubie mates” the last 5 years I was at Lockheed. Also in attendance was Judy Holdt, Gail Plessner, Marce Smith, Kay Limpus, and Jacki Sanderson. Thought I'd mention their names for any Lockheed people who read this email. As I said...I decided to experiment with leaving Hiker alone in the house while I was gone and SUCCESS! She was a very good girl. No accidents and nothing “destroyed”. We were gone for about 3 hours and 15 minutes, so I guess I can start leaving her in the house more now when I have to go place where I cannot take her with me. GOOD GIRL HIKER! After Linda left, I took Hiker down to the park for a short walk. It got up to 80° here today.

Life Goes On

2012-01-24T15:11:00.001-08:00

Cold again this morning when we woke up, but no rain. Took Hiker for a short 1 mile walk. I swear that dog has a calendar and a wrist watch. She somehow knows what day it is. I have my Grief Support Group today and she just seems to know that she will be spending a lot of the day in the garage while I'm at group and out to lunch after with my friend DeDee. At least I have a nice sized rug, blankets, bed and of course water for Hiker out there. I wish I felt like I could trust her enough to stay in the house while I'm gone, but I'm still so afraid that she'll have an accident while I'm gone. Had an emotionally rough morning. I know that I am going through my grieving process as I should be, but I've come to a place in time where once again I'm feeling like I am just going through the motions of living. I try to fill my time with Hiker and my friends, or by doing things around home like watching TV, being on the computer, working jigsaw puzzles, etc. But I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. There were times I felt like that when Ben was alive, but at least I had him and he had a way of bringing me out of that feeling. I know that this is all part of the grieving, but sometimes, it is so hard to accept, especially when I know that this is how the rest of my life will be. A lot of people at the grief group today. Sometimes I think we have better meetings where we have less people. Too many times when there are a lot of people, members will start talking between themselves instead of sharing with the entire group and their conversations disrupt the rest of what's going on. I like it when there is only about 6 or us there actually. DeDee and I had a nice lunch. We always find so much to talk about. When I got home, I took Hiker for another short walk down in the riverbed. She was so happy to see me when I got home.

The Rain Came & Went

2012-01-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

Was raining when Hiker woke me up this morning around 6:00 am. Had a bunch of dreams again last night, but did not remember any of them this morning. Went to Wal-Mart right after breakfast to pick up a few groceries that I was running out of. While there, I bought Hiker a new chew bone and a new squeaky toy. As soon as we got home I took them out of the bag and gave them to her. She grabbed the squeaky toy (we have named Rainbow) and she started running all over the house with it. We name her toys because she knows which ones are which. Most people do not believe that until I prove it to them by telling her which toy to get out of the pile and she always gets the correct one. Since it was raining, I did not take her for a morning walk but the sun came out in the early afternoon so she and I headed for the park. Luckily I took an umbrella because it started to rain on us and we had to hurry back home. It reminded me of when Ben was alive. He always knew where I was going for my walks. He insisted on knowing because he always worried about me. There were times that I would go out for a walk and he'd tell me “you are going to get rained on” and I'd say, “that's OK, I have an umbrella”, but when the rain would start, he'd jump in the car and come looking for me. I'm so lucky to have been loved like that.

Another New Toy For Hiker

2012-01-23T09:50:00.001-08:00

Bought Hiker another new toy while I was over at WalMart this morning. As soon as we got home and I took it out of the bag, she grabbed it and started running all over the house with it.

Sunny Sunday

2012-01-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

Was very tired this morning when I woke up. Don't know if it was from cleaning out the closet yesterday or from crying all day yesterday. I went to bed before 9:00 pm last night. Had weird dreams all night long. I don't really remember much about the dreams except that I remember Betty White was in one and Tim Allen was in another one. Don't remember much about the one with Betty White but I remember that in the one with Tim Allen, he kept telling me there was something wrong with my car and he could tell from the sound of the engine. Strange. Went to get my lottery tickets and then drove Hiker over to our Central Park in Saugus for a 1.5 mile walk. They have a dog park there, so there are always a lot of different dogs running around. I don't let Hiker loose in the dog park because I'm afraid she would not come back if I let her off the leash. Talked with a young man who was walking his cattle dog. She was mostly Border Collie. He asked me about Hiker, if she was a cattle dog. We talked for a few minutes about how smart they are. He said his had learned how to get into the locked doggie treat cabinet. The weather was beautiful this afternoon, so I took Hiker out for another 1.5 mile walk. I sure get a lot of exercise with her. She's not your typical dog who stops and sniffs everything. She keeps right up walking with me and very rarely stops.

It's Been A Rough Saturday

2012-01-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

I've had people tell me that I've really seemed to “improve” the last month or so with my grief. They don't see me at home in the evenings. I don't mention it as much now in my daily journal, but I cry some every single day. I don't have as many grief attacks that make me sob and wail like I did before, though now and then one of those episodes does still hit me. Now it seems that more and more memories are coming back to me and I'll cry for maybe 5 minutes and then I'll go back to whatever I was doing. But those memories and tears seem to come several times a day now and today has been one of those days. Sometimes I'll remember something Ben said or did and it will make me smile or even chuckle a little, but then the tears flow a little too. He was one of a kind, my Ben. Was raining when Hiker and I woke up this morning. Went through everything in the computer room closet. Put a lot of stuff out for Goodwill and tossed some old boxes. You never know how much you are accumulating until you start going through things. I keep running out of room in the trash bins, so I have to stop so I'll have enough room for the regular trash. There was a break in the rain, so I took Hiker down to the park for a few minutes. I knew she wanted to get out for a walk. By noon, the sun was out and it was really bright. Not much of a rainstorm if you ask me. They kept saying we'd get about 1/2” to 1” but I'll bet we didn't get that much. Don't know why today has been such a bad day for me. I had tears this morning some but this afternoon, I've really been having a hard time. I took Hiker for an afternoon walk and the entire 20 minutes we were out I cried. I remembered a day during Ben's last few weeks at the hospital. They had taken him off of the respirator and he was having a lot of trouble breathing. He had made the comment to me that he wished he had more air to breath, but I think Kaiser was hoping if they removed him from the respirator that he'd die and they would no longer have to keep paying for him because by now, they were 100% responsible for paying his hospital bills. Before I went home, I kissed him and gave him a hug and told him that he was my life. He kissed my cheek and whispered “you're my life too” into my ear. I looked into his eyes and told him I loved him and he said “I love you too”. For some reason, this memory came to be today and I have been crying about it almost all day. I was also going through some old bills from last year to shred them. I started thinking that last year at this time, Ben was alive and getting ready to go for his colonoscopy in February. I remember him telling everyone that “the preparation is the worst part”. Oh how I wish that had been the truth in his case. Hiker has been hovering all over me today kissing away my tears.

Stayed Busy Today

2012-01-20T15:30:00.001-08:00

Took Hiker for her morning walk. It was 35° and clear. Decided to try to get back out to the garage again today to do a little cleaning. Worked out there for about 2 hours and actually put the 4Runner in there today. It barely fits. I didn't realize it was that big, but then I do have a fridge and a upright freezer in my garage that take up room and I have shelving units all around the walls. I only have one more area to clean up out there now and that is the shelving unit next to the door that comes into the house. It is going to be hard for me to go through this unit because it contains a lot of things that were Ben's. His old electric drill, his circular saw, his jig saw, his old tool boxes, etc. I'm not going to get rid of any of them because I may need them once in awhile plus they are very sentimental to me, but I'm still going to have to move them around to go through the other things that are on the shelves. My body is now a little sore from all of the work. My calf muscles were already a little sore this morning when I woke up from the 4-mile hike Linda and I took Hiker on last Wednesday and then from walking around the zoo Thursday with Lynn. But as usual, I took Hiker out for a second walk this afternoon. This time we walked a mile and a half. Figured I'd better take her out as much as I can because if we do get the rain they are predicting this weekend, she won't be able to have her walks.

Zoo Photos

2012-01-19T16:10:00.001-08:00

If you'd like to see the photos I took at the Los Angeles Zoo today, here is the link to my photo sharing site:

Zoo Photos

A Day At The Zoo

2012-01-19T15:24:00.000-08:00

It was 30° here this morning. My hike yesterday must havereally tired me out. I went to bed at 9:00 pm last night and didn't wake up allnight even to go to the bathroom. I usually wake up to do that at least onceduring the night. Well, a few nights ago I had a dream about a sheriff with ababy bear and the mother bear swiping the sheriff across the face with itsclaws. Last night I had a dream that Ben and I were driving down the 210Freeway and we saw something falling from an airplane then realized it was abody and it slammed onto the freeway right next to us. What is with thesestrange dreams I am having? What's strange is that the body hitting thepavement was very clear in my dream but Ben was very blurry, like he was therebut then he really wasn't. Before Linda showed up this morning for us to go tothe Los Angeles Zoo, I found myself thinking I had to call Ben at work to tellhim I was leaving to go over there. I had not had that feeling that I needed tocall him like that for several months. It made me cry. Got back from the zooaround 2:00 pm. Felt so bad for Hiker because I left her alone in the garagefor 5 hours. She was so excited to see me when I let her in. Had a nice timewith Linda and Lynn and want to thank Lynn for being such a gracious guide. Youcan really tell she loves what she does at the zoo and she knows so much aboutall of the animals.

Lynn, Linda & Me

Take A Hike!

2012-01-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

Was 26° when I let Hiker out to potty this morning around 5:30 am. We stayed in bed until after 7:00 waiting for the house to get warm. Linda sent me a Facebook message last night asking if we could go for a local hike this morning so I didn't take Hiker for a morning walk because Linda got here around 9:00 am and the three of us headed over to Placerita Canyon. It was very cold when we got there. There was frost all over everything. We hiked from the Nature Center parking lot all the way to the Walker Ranch area and back...4 miles in total. It had warmed up by the time we got back to the car. Hike was tired when she got done hiking. She fell asleep in the back sleep and when we got home, she crashed on the sofa all afternoon. Tomorrow Linda and I are heading over to the Los Angeles Zoo to meet our friend Lynn who is a docent there. Lynn wanted to treat Linda to a private Zoo Tour because of how much Linda was there for me when Ben was in the hospital and then again right after he passed away. You know...It's been a little over 7 months since Ben died and I'm still "waiting for him to come home from the hospital". I know he's really gone, but that feeling still remains.

My Birthday!

2012-01-17T15:44:00.000-08:00

Well today was my 62nd birthday. When I took Hiker out for her 1 mile morning walk, it was only 28°. Saw a couple of homeless people all bundled up under blankets on a bench in the park. I'm guessing they were there all night. Once again I think Hiker knew that I was going to leave her alone in the garage for several hours. She was at my heels all morning. I kept turning around and almost tripping over her. Went to my grief group at the Senior Center this morning and then my friend DeDee and I met our friend Linda at Mimi's Cafe and they treated me to lunch. Had a really nice time. We ordered a dessert to share. It was a triple fudge brownie with vanilla bean ice cream drizzled with chocolate and caramel sauce. Yummy! Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes. Love you all.

A Good Check-up

2012-01-16T15:21:00.001-08:00

Hiker always seems to know when I'm going somewhere that she cannot go with me. She hates being left alone. This morning I had to go to my doctor for my annual checkup and she seemed to know something was up. I took her out for a short 1 mile walk this morning. It was cold and cloudy out. It actually looked more like it could rain today than it looked yesterday when they said we'd get rain but the rain never came. My annual physical went well. Doctor was pleased with everything except my cholesterol but he knows my problem is genetic and that I cannot take the statin drugs to lower it. He made some suggestions of things I can get over-the-counter, but I've tried a couple of them and they do not help me before so I doubt they would help me now . He was OK with me not wanting to do the colonoscopy. He gave me a stool test kit instead. Won't get my PAP results for about 10 days but he said everything seemed OK. I'm due for my mammo before the end of the year, but other than that, I'm done for now. By noon it was still very cloudy and cool outside...only 50°. Took Hiker over to the Southfork Trail this afternoon for a 2 mile walk. Still partly cloudy and cool out.

Cloudy Day - Feeling A Little Down

2012-01-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

When I got up to feed Hiker and let her out to go potty this morning, it was still very dark outside. Must have been cloudy. They kept saying we “might” get some drizzle today but they are also saying that we may actually get a good rain storm this coming Friday and Saturday. We really do need some rain. January is usually out wettest month and we have not had a drop. I've been feeling “depressed” this weekend. I still think it has to do with the fact that I have to go to the doctor Monday morning. I really dread going but cannot get my blood pressure medication renewed until I see him. Today, Ben has been gone for 7 months, that is if you go by dates instead of actual days. Can't believe that's it's been over half a year. But then with the time he was in the hospital, he's been gone from home for 11 months. Took Hiker out for a short walk this morning because I needed to get back and do some laundry, vacuum the carpets and run over to the market. Also ran my dishwasher. That I do only about once a month now since I wash most of my dishes in the sink right after I use them. I learned a couple of good hints from people in my grief support group. The first was to make sure I use both of my bathrooms. After Ben died, I cleaned the bathroom he used the most and then I didn't go in there much. It was only being used if I had visitors, but Ernie at my group told me that he did the same thing with his wife's bathroom after she died. Then he had plumbing problems because he was not flushing the toilet in that room and he had to hire a plumber and it cost a lot to get it fixed. So now I try to use that bathroom equally as I do the master bathroom. The other thing I learned from my friend DeDee, she told me to run my dishwasher. She wasn't running hers and she had problems with it. I guess the lining in it starts to rot if you don't use it and it will start to leak, so I try to run it every now and then too. Spent most of the day working my latest jigsaw puzzle and watching movies on The Hallmark Channel. Never did get any rain. In fact the sun was out most of the time today. Took Hiker out for an afternoon walk. It was cloudy and cool and there was no one else out walking.

Lay-back Saturday

2012-01-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

Was having a very strange and very short dream just before I woke up this morning. I was dreaming that I was at a shopping center. I heard people saying “did he catch it”? When I went to look there was a sheriff holding a baby bear in the parking lot when suddenly the mother bear came up behind him and swiped him across the head with her claws and then I woke up. What the heck was THAT all about? Hiker and I went for our usual 1.5 mile walk this morning. I ran over to the bank to cash a couple of checks that I got from my online surveys. I don't get a lot of money from them, but it's nice to have a little extra cash now and then. I've been working jigsaw puzzles lately. Got a good deal on some over at Wal-Mart last month. They had a box of 10 puzzles for $15 which I thought was a really good deal since I paid $6 for one puzzle at Toy-R-Us. For some reason, Hiker was very playful all day. I mean she is playful most of the time, but today she was more playful than normal. I'm feeling a little down this weekend. I think it might be because I have my annual checkup with my doctor on Monday morning. I have always hated going to the doctor and since Ben died, it seems like I hate it even more. Was cloudy off and on all day. Hope I feel a little more “alive” tomorrow (Sunday). I need to vacuum the house, which I had planned to do today, but just was not in the mood.

Photo-Op Day

2012-01-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

Why does my bed always feel so good in the morning? Sometimes I almost think I could just lay in it all day (LOL). Hiker and I went for a 1.5 mile walk this morning before breakfast. Was beautiful outside. Linda came by a little after 11:00 am and we (Hiker too) headed up to Agua Dulce to “Bullwinkle’s” which is a specialty shop. They want to sell her totes that she makes from recycle plastic grocery bags in their shop so she took a bunch of totes up there. After she negotiated with them, we went next door to the “Sweetwater Cafe” for lunch. Small town cafe with really good food. We then decided that since we were only a couple of miles from Vasquez Rocks County Park and the fact the it was such a pretty day that we'd go over there and walk around and take some photographs. Hiker loves wandering around up there. She gets so excited that she can get out and explore things. We spent about an hour or so just wandering around. Went into an area where we'd never really photographed before. Had a really nice time. When we do things like that, it really wears Hiker out. She just stretches out in the backseat of the car on the way home and then when I get her into the house, she falls asleep on the sofa. Now I need to watch my soap that I recorded and think about what to make for dinner later.

A Relaxing Day

2012-01-12T14:52:00.001-08:00

Just did not want to get out of bed this morning. The bed felt so good. Last night I started getting sleeping around 9:00 pm so Hiker and I went to bed and fell right to sleep. Had a couple of strange dreams that I could not remember anything about when I woke up. Had breakfast and then Hiker and I headed over to Wal-Mart to get a few groceries. The store was very empty this morning. After we got back home and I put the groceries away, I took Hiker out for a 2.22 mile walk. I get so bored walking in the same area every day so I drove over to the little parking lot behind the CVS Pharmacy and walked on the paved city trail that runs between Soledad Canyon Road and Sierra Highway. I've noticed that ever since that day that those boys scared Hiker making all of that noise on their skateboards that she is very skittish when we go walking. She is constantly looking behind us and gets very nervous when bicycles go by. She used to never be afraid of the bicycles. Today a woman and a little girl rode by on their bikes and Hiker got so frightened, her bladder let go. I hope she gets over it soon. I had thought about getting back out in the garage and cleaning some more then decided against it because my trash bin and recycle bin are almost full from the stuff I put in them from the other day when I was cleaning. Got a nice comment from an online friend today. She had looked at some of the photos I have of Ben posted at some of my photo sharing sites. She said “Ben smiled with his eyes”. I thought that was such a wonderful comment. He really did smile with his eyes. I always saw so much love in those eyes. It was such a beautiful day out today that Hiker and I went out and wandered around in the dry riverbed for awhile this afternoon. Was about 75°.

Hiker enjoying the view

Not Much To Report Today

2012-01-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

Was about 36° and a little overcast this morning when Hiker and I went out for our walk. Linda was supposed to come today and we were going to work on the memory pillow we are going to make from Ben's shirts and then go to lunch, but Linda texted and said she was not feeling very well. I thought about going out and doing more cleaning in the garage, but just was not in the mood. Maybe tomorrow. Played a little ball with Hiker, watched my soap (Young & Restless) and ate my lunch, then headed over to Sam's Club. Felt like a wasted day today, maybe I'll do better tomorrow.

Don't touch my tennis ball!

Typical Tuesday

2012-01-10T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hiker did something funny last night. When I was dating Ben, he opened a new bank account with Crocker Bank. At the time, if you opened a new account, they gave you a stuffed Teddy Bear named “Sunny”. After we got married, Ben stuffed it into a box with some other things and it was out in our garage after we moved here. While I was going through things in the garage yesterday, I came across “Sunny Bear” so I took him into the house and put him on my bed. Hiker had not been into the bedroom all day, but after I had dinner, she wandered down there and all of a sudden she started barking. I went to see what was wrong and she was barking at “Sunny Bear” because she didn't know who or what he was. The hair on the back of her neck was standing up. I remember the first day I brought Hiker home, I had a carved redwood bear on the hearth of the fireplace and she did the same thing with it. Guess she doesn't like bears (LOL). Went to my grief support group this morning. My friend DeDee was there to. Seems that each week we are getting more and more people. We are going to need a bigger room soon if that keeps up. Today we discussed how we all try to have a few good laughs when we are at Group. We are not one of those sad depressing grief groups. We do discuss things about our grief, but we also try to have fun and enjoy each other's company. After Group, DeDee and I drove over to the pizza parlor and met Linda for lunch. I'm starting to get burned out on the pizza buffet. Need to try to find somewhere else to go now and then. When I got home, Hiker jumped all over me with excitement. She just hates being left alone. She was in the garage for 4.5 hours today. I took her right out for a 1 miles walk. I feel bad about leaving her alone, but I do have to go places where it is impossible for me to take her now and then. Got up to almost 80° here today.

Someone Got A Bath Today...I Wonder Who?

2012-01-09T15:39:00.000-08:00

After our morning walk, Hiker and I had our breakfast and then I went back out into the garage and started tossing some things and cleaning some things up. So far I have not come across anything else that made me cry. Sometimes it's hard to figure out where to put things on the shelves. I'll probably end up moving some things around again once I've gone through everything. Worked out there for about 1.5 to 2 hours. Started to run out of room in the trash bins so gave up for the day. Decided it was time to give Hiker a bath. She HATES taking a bath, but she got one anyway. She sure is shedding a lot. Was a beautiful day out today. Got up to about 78°. Took Hiker out for an afternoon walk because the weather was so beautiful. We were heading back home when these 3 teenage boys came down the path on skateboards. They were going pretty fast and they went across the bridge that goes over the wash and when they hit a metal plate, it made a really loud noise. Well it scared the heck out of Hiker. She leaped up into the air as if she was jumping out of the way and if she had not been on her leash, I'm sure she would have taken off running and not come back. I'm thinking that maybe when she was a stray, wandering around, that maybe a car almost hit her or something and that stayed in her memory. When she heard that noise, it brought back that memory and scared her. Since we've been home, she has been following me around closer than normal.

I Felt Sad Today

2012-01-08T14:52:00.000-08:00

I still cannot get over how dark it still is around 7:00 am when I get up each morning, plus the crazy weather everyone is having. Seems where it should be snowing that it's not, where it should be raining, it's not. And SoCal is having 80-90 degree temps in January. I'm really beginning to think my brother Ron is right about the earthquake in Japan last year tilting the Earth's axis enough to mess up everything. I've researched a little bit online about it and they claim that the tilting of the axis can cause an “ice age”, like when the big asteroid hit the Earth and caused the death of the dinosaurs. Maybe the Mayans were right??? Anyway, it was very windy again here in SoCal today. We are under a “red flag warning” which means there is a chance of wild fires because of the dryness. Hiker and I went out for a short walk this morning but it was just too windy to stay out too long. While out walking I was thinking of how much I miss every day “human conversation”. Only someone who lives alone can totally understand this. There are some days I do not speak to another living human. Hiker listens to me, but she cannot answer back. I was also thinking about how I wish I could get back to enjoying shopping like I used to. When Ben was alive, I'd head over to Wal-Mart or Target or Kmart a couple of times a month and just wander all around the store looking at everything. Sometimes I didn't buy anything, but it was fun for me just to go and enjoy an hour or two of “me time” just looking at things. I also used to love to go grocery shopping. I know I've mentioned this before, but Ben and I used to go grocery shopping together and he made it fun for me. When my back was turned, he'd “sneak” something into the grocery cart and when we got to the check out I'd see it and he'd look at me with that cute “little boy” smile of his. Funny how we don't think about these things until we don't have them anymore. Today I sold Ben's and my pool table. Our good friend's son-in-law bought it from me so at least I know they will take care of it and enjoy it. For those of you who told me I should keep Ben's pool cue, you will be happy to know that I decided to keep it. So now I need to clean the garage and rearrange things to I can put the 4Runner in there. I decided after lunch to go out into the garage to start going through some of the stuff and start cleaning it up some. Bad idea. First box I opened I found a ticket for the seaplane that Ben and I flew back from Catalina Island on when we had our very first date on May 11, 1974. I totally lost it and started sobbing, so I had to stop cleaning for a little while. Got myself back together and went back out and started to go through another box. This time I found his report cards from when he was a kid in school and a few other things like his footprints when he was a baby, etc. Once again I broke down, so finally just gave up for now. I'll try again in a day or two. Don't know what's up with Hiker but she sure acts like she needs a lot of fiber. I mentioned that she's always eating leaves and chewing on wood chips from the flower beds, plus I know she ate a couple of my puzzle pieces. Well I had an AARP Bulletin Newspaper sitting on the sofa and caught her tearing it up and eating it. What's up with that?

Just Another Saturday

2012-01-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

Could not go to sleep last night. Felt like back right after Ben died and I was having grief induced insomnia. I felt very sleepy but for some reason could not go to sleep. Kept tossing and turning as I could not get comfortable. I tried listening to music, watching TV, but nothing was helping. Finally around 12:30 I got up and took a sleep aid tablet and then I went to sleep. I normally automatically wake up around 5:45 am but Hiker woke me up this morning at 6:30 am because she wanted to be fed and go potty. Took her out for her walk then came home, had breakfast, put a load of laundry in and then went over to Sam's Club. Then I vacuumed and once again, Hiker had shed enough to make a toupee (LOL). I was out in the garage moving some things around because Sunday some friends are coming to buy and take away Ben's and my pool table. Ben and I had not played pool in a few years but before that, we used to play it every weekend. As I was gathering the pool things together, I come across the pool cue that Ben had ever since he was a teenager and I started to cry. We had bought new pool cues about 5 years ago and were using them but when I saw the one that I remember him using years ago, it just made me so sad. I started thinking back about us playing together and remembered how we would “cheat” and how we'd tease each other about how we played. We never went by the real rules of pool...we made up our own and we'd have so much fun. But those days are gone and I won't be playing pool by myself or anyone else, so I decided to sell the table to someone who can enjoy it and I'll be able to put my 4Runner in the garage again. My handyman Daniel came by and put a new handle on my shower door and put a new lock on my dining room window. I'm so glad I found him a couple of years ago. He's really nice and he's really reasonable. Ben was not good at knowing how to fix things. I'm actually better than he was at those kinds of things, and I can fix some things, but it's nice to have someone like Daniel who lives in my community. Got up to the high 70's today and now it's getting a little windy.

No Power Day

2012-01-06T15:20:00.001-08:00

The hike yesterday really wore both me and Hiker out. Last night when I was watching TV, she was next to me on the sofa sleeping. Normally she's running around the house with her toys. We went to bed around 8:45 pm and both fell asleep almost immediately. When we got up this morning, I took her for a 1.5 mile walk and then we came back and I made us each a poached egg. Mine on a muffin with ham and cheese, Hiker's just the egg chopped up on a plate. Then I was going to start my laundry but got a call from the security gate telling me that my power was going to be turned off for awhile. Seems that there is a problem with some underground wiring between the houses on my block and they need to turn off the power to work on it. This exact thing happened one morning many years back when my brother Ron was here visiting Ben and me. Ben had gone to work. Ron was asleep on the living room sofa and I was still in my bed when I woke up around 8:00 am, I noticed my alarm clock was not working. Checked around the house and noticed there was no electricity. I called the office to report it and they sent a guy over to check it out and he found out that the house next door didn't have any power either. They had to go into the underground power boxes to work on it and if I remember correctly, my power was off all day that day. Hope that's not the case this time. Before the power went off and I lost my Internet hook up (can't use a modem without power) I had emailed AT&T again. I wanted to make sure that they didn't expect me to continue trying to contact their Customer Relations Center about trying to get that order for the U-Verse installation stopped. They assured me that they were taking care of everything and for me to relax. They don't know me, so they don't know how hard that is for me to do when something like this is on my mind. I was born a worrier and I'll probably be a worrier until the day I die. The electricity was off from around 9:00 am until 2:00 pm so I was not able to get on the Internet during that time. I ran some errands instead. Went to the bank and over to the grocery store, then went and got some lunch a KFC. Got a phone call around 12:00 noon from an AT&T person who confirmed that he had canceled the order for the installation of the U-Verse. Now...I hope that Canyon View Estates and Time Warner will be able to make a permanent deal. If not, I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do.

A Beautiful Day For A Hike

2012-01-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

Got up early to call AT&T's Customer Relations Center only to find out that they lied to me yesterday telling me that the went by EST instead of PST. There is a Center in Connecticut but also one in California and the California one does not open until 8:00 am PST, so I still was not able to get any satisfaction from them. However, the rant that I posted on AT&T's Facebook page last night may be getting me somewhere. I received an email from them telling me that they are working with the Executive Office to get my U-Verse Order stopped and also to make certain that I keep my regular land line service with them. Right now I'm considering dropping the land line and just using my Verizon Cell Phone. I rarely use the land line phone anymore, but Ben and I always had a land line and it's hard for me to give it up. It's like a “security blanket”. So Hiker and I got up and got ready early to wait for Linda to come and go hiking. We headed out to Pearblossom, CA to the Devil's Punchbowl Natural Area. It was beautiful out at the Punchbowl today and we did the 1 mile loop trail that goes all the way down to the bottom of the canyon and to the creek. We descended 300 ft. to the bottom and had to climb that 300 ft. back to the top. After I got home, first I had a voice mail on my land line asking me to do a survey giving my opinion on the AT&T automated phone system. I gave them the worst marks I could, then I got a phone call from a woman named Lily at the AT&T Executive Office and she told me that they are working on the cancellation of my U-Verse order and that I should have a call from the cancellation center today or tomorrow with more information. She does not know exactly when the order will be canceled but she told me not to worry, that it will be canceled and I will not get charged for it on my next bill. Why is it so easy for them set up a new service, but so damn hard for them to cancel the order? I think they just want to make us so frustrated that we just give up and forget about canceling. Hiker was pooped after her hike, she just plopped down on the floor and stretched out and slept the rest of the afternoon.

AAARRRGGG!

2012-01-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

Decided to start doing some major house cleaning today. By that I mean going through closets, drawers, nooks, etc. and cleaning out old papers, boxes, junk, etc. I did this right after I retired 6 years ago. At that time, I remember Ben insisted I not toss anything until after he looked through everything in case there was something he wanted to keep. Every day when he got home from work, there was a big stack of stuff waiting for him to look through out in the garage. Some of it he had me keep but most of it he told me to toss. This time I won't have him to double-check me. I started cleaning some things up after I got back from a short walk with Hiker. We had a bunch of boxes stacked on a shelf over the hall closet. They were boxes from when we bought computers, printers, speakers, etc. Ben always wanted to keep them because he said if we ever got to move to Ferndale, we'd need them for packing the items that came in them to take with us. I should have tossed them a few years ago because we knew we were never going to get to move up there. Then I started to go through some paperwork, but didn't get very far because I got a call from our community office to tell me they were negotiating with Time Warner about the Internet service and digital phone service that TW said they were dropping. They feel they will have an agreement with TW by the end of the week. Because of what I heard from my neighbor Charlene and my friend Linda about the problems they have with U-Verse and the terrible service they get from AT&T, I decided to call AT&T and cancel the order for them to install this package in my home. I was on the phone waiting for an AT&T representative to pickup for 15 minutes and then when she did, she told me she was not authorized to cancel orders, she could only place orders, so she had to call the department that can cancel it and after she waited for them to pickup for over 20 minutes (while I was also still holding the line) she came back online and told me that they were not picking up so she was going to go to her manager to have her cancel the order. Now I'm waiting for the manager to call me back to confirm that the order has been canceled. The rep gave me her manager's direct phone number and told me that if I do not hear from her by around 5:00 this evening that I should give her a call. What a pain in the ass! That is ridiculous that the reps can place an order but not cancel one. I've called that AT&T manager twice now and kept getting her voice mail so called their Customer Relations Department and after being on hold for an hour, I hung up. Companies just do not run like they used too.

Been Out All Day

2012-01-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

Would you believe that we got up to 90° here today? Crazy for winter huh? Took hiker out for a short walk this morning because I had to go down to the community office and pay my land lease plus I had to head over to the Senior Center for my grief group. I spoke with the community manager about the Time Warner situation. She told me that there have been some “WiFi” people here in the community and that “maybe” the owners were going to set up a WiFi for all of us, but I'm not too sure about how secure a community WiFi would be. I'm thinking it would be kind of like when you are in a coffee shop or at a motel using their WiFi. It is NOT a secure hook-up and people can hack into your accounts easier. I'm also hoping that I made the correct decision to go with AT&T U-Verse for their triple bundle because I've had one of my neighbors tell me that she is on the AT&T U-Verse right now and she is not happy with it and is thinking about switching to something else. Oh well, will just have to wait and see. I put Hiker in the garage for while I was at the Senior Center. She was very reluctant to be out there. She was down on her belly with her ears drooping looking so sad. She just does NOT want me to be away from her at all. Her breed is very loyal to their “person” and they are usually a “one-person” dog. The grief group was very good today. A lot of good interaction from everyone again. After group, my friend DeDee and I met our friend Linda at the pizza parlor for lunch. When I got home, Hiker was so excited to see me that she would not leave me alone. I saw that my brother Ron had called and left a message, so I called him. While I was talking to him, Hiker would not stop chewing on me and barking. She wanted to get out for another walk. After I hung up with him, I took her out for a walk in the dry riverbed. My friend Paula sent me the coolest thing in the mail. It's a “Pet Top” for water bottles. She thought it would be a good thing for Hiker when we are out walking/hiking. So sweet of Paula to buy it for Hiker. Thank you my friend. Well, I need to get on Facebook and see what's going on there.

Waiting For The Heating Man

2012-01-02T15:54:00.001-08:00

Darn, I'm going to lose the Hallmark Channel when I switch to AT&T U-Verse. That is one of my favorite channels. That's just about all I watched during the month of December. Hiker was driving me crazy this morning because she was wanting to go for a morning walk. I needed to wait until I heard from the heating people about the furnace. Did not hear from them by 9:30 am so I called them back. The guy's wife said he would get here before noon. Kept hoping it was just the thermostat because I noticed last week that it would get down to 70° before the heater would come on even though I have the thermostat set to come on when it gets to 72°. But....it was NOT the thermostat. Joe (the heating guy) said that the switch that starts the motor was not resetting and that it was stuck in the “off” position. He said that this was the ONLY thing he could find wrong and had no idea why it was sticking and not resetting. He got the switch to work, but we both agreed that he should replace the switch just in case. Joe told me that mine is the only one of these furnaces that he has installed, so he is not very familiar with them, but he thinks he found the problem and told me to call him if I still have a problem later on. He also said that the motor seems to run “hot” but he said maybe that is normal for this furnace. Like he told me...”they don't make them like they used too”. Naturally because I just passed the one year mark on getting the furnace, the warranty had expired (isn't that always the way?), so it cost me $95 for the switch and his service call, which I didn't think was that bad really. Took Hiker out for a 1.5 mile afternoon walk so she has finally settled down. While Joe was here, she kept wanting to go see what he was doing but I kept telling her to stay away so she would go over and “hide” under the dining room table. Got up to 83° here today. I didn't watch the Rose Parade. Ben and I never watched it. He would turn it on for the beginning just to watch the B-2 Bomber fly over, but that was it. After that, we usually took off for a long drive somewhere.

New Year's Day

2012-01-01T15:55:00.001-08:00

Well last night I had a huge grief attack. I had not had a sobbing/wailing 15 minute cry for quite awhile, but I sure did last night. Guess the fact that the last year of Ben's life was now ending hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep thinking of facing the rest of my life without him. I watched the movie “Apollo 18” on the On Demand Channel last night. It was OK, but very strange, then I watched some of the “Twilight Zone” marathon until around 9:00 or so. Started working my jigsaw puzzle and did that until almost 11:00 before Hiker and I went to bed. Woke up around midnight when I heard people shooting fireworks. First thing I did when I got out of bed this morning was to head over to Wal-Mart and do my grocery shopping. I was going to go Monday morning, but I do not yet know what time the guy is coming to check my furnace. Couldn't go Tuesday either as I have my grief group. Took Hiker out for 2 short walks today as my lower back muscles are still sore, but she's happy just to get out no matter what. When Ben was alive, New Year's Day was just another day to us, but for some reason, today has felt very different to me. I don't really know how to explain the feeling. Well it's been a very lazy day. Been working on a jigsaw puzzle while watching “Murder She Wrote” on TV. I think that Hiker may have eaten one of my puzzle parts last night. I was working on the puzzle and I had all 4 corners on the table. I noticed I had dropped a couple of puzzle parts on the floor. Hiker was lying under the table. I picked up the parts I dropped and now I cannot find one of the corner pieces. Plus Hiker tried to take one of the pieces out of my hand like she was going to eat it. Guess she needed some fiber (LOL). I'm going to have a small steak and a baked potato tonight for dinner. It was one of Ben's favorite meals. I'm not a big steak lover but I'm getting tired of chicken and fish all of the time. As usual it was a beautiful clear sunny day here in SoCal on New Year's Eve. Got up to almost 85°.

The Last Day Of The Year

2011-12-31T15:46:00.001-08:00

My furnace did not come on this morning. I have it set to come on at 6:00 am if it is below 72° in the house. I hoping it's just the thermostat gone bad. We had a new furnace installed last December (2010) so I wouldn't think the furnace would have gone out already. I called the company that installed the furnace because their ad says they work weekends and holidays. The guy who owns the company works out of his home. His wife told me that they had decided to take this weekend off for New Years so they cannot come out to check it for me until Monday sometime. Thank goodness it has not be quite as cold as it was a week or so ago. Not a good way to start out the new year. Before Christmas, I decided I wanted to start doing jigsaw puzzles again. I went and bought some right after Christmas and just opened one of those today to start on. I have not worked jigsaw puzzles in about 20 years and I must say, they do not make the puzzle pieces as strong as they used too. A lot of them are also not completely cut all the way through. Well already the New Year is not working out good and it hasn't even started yet. Not only is my furnace not working, I got a letter in the mail today from Time Warner telling me that as of January 30th they are no longer going to provide Internet service to my gated community. I've had Internet with them for years and the letter does not even explain why they are dropping the Internet. They are also dropping their phone service here, but I don't have my phone through them. The only thing they are leaving is the cable TV, but since I'm going to have to go with someone else, I'm going to cancel their TV service. I called AT&T and I've signed up for their U-Verse Bundle Package. It will give me high speed Internet, their phone service which will include long distance, caller ID, etc. which I do not have now and I'll also get their HD television service which will include over 300 channels plus a DVR, which I do not have now, and it will be hooked up to all 3 of my TVs. Right now only my big TV has digital service and my other two TVs just have basic cable. They cannot get a technician here until January 11 and they tell me it may take him up to 4 hours to install everything. So after they set me up, I'll be sending everyone my new email address. I cannot believe that Time Warner dropped this on us the last day of the year and ONLY gave us 30 days to get new service with someone else. It appears that Hiker is the ONLY good thing that happened to me this year and I am so thankful for her. I don't know what I would do without her. I probably won't stay up for the New Year tonight, but I wish you all a Happy One.

Alone Again With Hiker

2011-12-30T15:43:00.001-08:00

Had breakfast before we took Hiker out for a walk this morning. This was Keith's last day here for this visit. Before he left, we went over to Sam's Club to pick up a few things. I needed him to help me with the big bag of dog food for Hiker since my back is still giving me trouble. We came back home and I made us spaghetti and chili for lunch and Keith left around 12:30 pm. It's quiet here now with just me and Hiker. I did some laundry and ran the dish washer. Also needed to pay some bills that came while Keith was here. Time to get back into my “normal” routine. Took Hiker out for a 1 mile walk this afternoon. It was in the low 80's. I think Hiker is missing Keith because she seemed kind of “sad” this afternoon.

Another Day Of Running Around

2011-12-29T15:32:00.001-08:00

Was warmer when we got up this morning. Keith was supposed to be leaving to head for home today, but then he changed his mind and said he wanted to stay another day. We took Hiker for a walk around the man-made lake at Bridgeport and then brought her home and the two of us headed over to Big Lots. I wanted to see if they had any bar stools for my kitchen island, but the didn't, so we went over to Wal-Mart. I bought some nice ones there, but I got 29” tall ones when I really should have gotten 24” tall ones as the 29” makes me bump my knees some under the counter, but I told Keith I'm not going to take them all apart again, return them, get the 24” and put them together, so I'll just settle and try not to bump my knees too much. I never use my dining room table much anymore since Ben died and when I'm alone, I just eat on a TV tray in front of the TV, but I figured when Keith visits, he and I could sit at the kitchen counter. We went to lunch over at Rattler's. We've been eating out so much since he's been here that I'm sure I've gained some weight. I'll have to cut back again after he leaves. My back has been bothering me quite a bit again today. I thought it was getting better as yesterday it did not bother me the entire time we were wandering around Vasquez Rocks nor did it bother me when we went to the thrift stores.

Out All Day

2011-12-28T16:14:00.001-08:00

Keith felt OK when he got up today. My back was still a little sore. We drove over to Wal-Mart and I got a couple of Salonpas Patches to put on my lower back, then we got Hiker and headed up to Vasquez Rocks to wander around. It wasn't really a hike, but more of a “photo op”, plus Hiker loves being out in nature. After we brought Hiker back home, Keith and I went to Dink's New York Deli at the Westfield Mall Patios and had lunch. Came back by home to check on Hiker and then headed out again to wander through some thrift stores. Need to figure out what to make for dinner in a little while.

First Keith Didn't Feel Good, Then My Back Went Out

2011-12-27T15:57:00.001-08:00

28° this morning when we got up. Keith told me that he did not feel good. He was having a stomach ache and feeling very bloated. We had planned to go to my grief group together today but Keith told me to go by myself as he knew that my friend DeDee was going to be there, and that he would just stay home with Hiker. I knew Hiker would be glad of that. It meant that she would not have to stay in the garage for three hours. Plus there was not much I could do for Keith. I know that when you feel bad, a lot of times you prefer to just be left alone. Don't know what caused his stomach ache. We both ate the same foods on Monday and I felt fine, but he does have these kinds of problems now and then. Met with DeDee at the group and we had a very good session. The room was totally full. Had some good discussion today. After group, I headed home. Keith was feeling better so he and I went over to Subway and picked up a couple of sandwiches to bring back home for lunch. Keith told me that while I was gone, about 95% of the time, Hiker was looking for me or watching the front door waiting for me to come home, so now I know what she does when I leave her at home alone. My lower back went out on me while I was at the Senior Center. I have had that happen so many times before. There is no rhyme or reason for it, it just goes out on its own and stays out for several days. Hope it doesn't last too long. Keith and I were hoping to get in a hike tomorrow. We moved Ben's easy chair out onto the patio this afternoon, so that was another big step for me. We bought that chair about 12 years ago at the Sears outlet that used to be over in Canoga Park. The wood in one of the chairs arms was broken from when Ben pulled me down to sit on the arm years ago and the seat cushions were shot. I kept telling him I wanted to buy him a new chair but he kept telling me that he had this one all broken in and that he did not want a new one. So needless to say, there is no way I could totally toss it, so out on the patio it went. Now I can lounge in it with my laptop out there on nice days. Someday I plan to buy some new living room furniture only I'm afraid Hiker will destroy it.

Finally Have Another Human To Talk To

2011-12-26T16:20:00.001-08:00

Very cold this morning when we got up. I ran over to Stater Brothers to pick up some ice cream. They always have the cheapest and the best variety. Keith and I both love ice cream so I buy the “churned” kind as it does not have as much cholesterol as regular ice cream. Took Hiker for a 1.5 mile walk and then ran over to Wal-Mart to be a “ShedZilla” hair trimmer for Hiker. I brush her, but she still sheds so much. I had heard about a tool called the Furminator at PetSmart but they cost about $50. Did some online research and found the ShedZilla at Wal-Mart for $20 and it does the exact same thing as the Furminator. Keith texted me just after 10:00 am that he was on his way. I've mentioned before that I was not looking forward to 2012 coming. It's hard to explain to someone who has not lost a spouse, but my friend DeDee who has been widowed 3 years now tells me she understands exactly what I'm saying. It makes me feel that when the new year comes and the year that Ben passed away is gone, the passing time pulls him away from me even more. Right now I can still hear his voice, I can still feel his touch, but I fear that as years pass, I won't be able to “feel and hear” these things anymore. As I typed this, the tears began to flow. Keith got her a little after 11:30 am and we went to lunch at Der Weinerschnitzel. I needed a new mini-blind in my computer room (where Keith sleeps) as the old one would not close good anymore, so he and I went over to Home Depot and got a new one and he assisted me in installing it. Very warm her today for winter. We went for a 2 mile walk with Hiker this afternoon.

Christmas Day

2011-12-25T16:08:00.001-08:00

Was 35° this morning. I must have gotten up too fast when I got out of bed to feed Hiker and let her go out to potty because I got a little dizzy. Decided to just go back to bed for awhile, even though Hiker kept bothering me to go for a walk. Finally got up around 8:00 and had a bowl of cereal then put Hiker in the car and went to get my lotto tickets and then went to the post office. I had written some donation checks that I wanted to get out before the end of the year. I had the car radio on and they were playing Christmas songs and I started thinking about Ben and I started crying and I cried all of the way to the post office and all the way back home. When we got home, I took Hiker out for a 1 mile walk. Also played ball with her in the yard for about 15 minutes. Put my sheets and towels into the washer and the settled down to check my computer and watch some TV. Looking forward to my brother Keith coming tomorrow to visit with me until Thursday. Decided to vacuum my carpet and could not believe all of the Hiker hair in the vacuum. It was so beautiful outside this afternoon, decided to take a 2 mile walk with Hiker. Have not done 2 miles for awhile. Saw some kids out in the dry river bed with a new metal detector (probably a Christmas gift). It reminded me of my mom and dad because my dad was one of the founders of The Metal Detector's Club at Lockheed back in the 1970's. He and my mom used to go out with their detectors every weekend. I still have my mom's detector. Would you believe that it got up to 77° here today? Just put my little ham and my cheesy potato casserole into the oven. Dinner should be ready in about an hour.

Hiker Exercising On Christmas Day

2011-12-25T13:28:00.001-08:00

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T15:46:00.001-08:00

It was 27° when Hiker and I woke up this morning. Stayed under the covers until the house warmed up some then got up and made breakfast. Went for a 1.5 mile walk and it was still cold outside...in the low 30's. Hiker wore her quilt coat and actually did pretty good with it on. Think she is getting more used to it. Got all of my blood work results back. Most of the numbers are pretty good. My cholesterol and triglycerides are still higher than they should be but much lower than they were this time last year. Remember, I cannot take the statins to lower my cholesterol and triglycerides because they give me fatigue and muscle pain, but all in all, I am very happy with my numbers. I am tired a lot of the time, and I am going to mention that to my doctor when I see him. I'm thinking my numbers are pretty good due to the fact that I lost the 20 lbs during the time Ben was in the hospital and after he died, and I have not gained it back. I'm exercising again, thanks to Hiker, plus I am not eating as much red meat as I did when Ben was alive. He was a “meat and potatoes” kind of guy. Tried to keep busy so I wouldn't think about it being Christmas Eve, so I mopped my floors and cleaned the master bathroom. I could not believe all of Hiker's hair in that bathroom. You would think it was hot summer the way she is shedding. Got up to 76° here today. How can it be 27° in the morning and 76° in the afternoon. Only in SoCal.

I Remember This Day In 1973

2011-12-23T15:43:00.001-08:00

32° when Hiker and I got up this morning. I slept in a little because I was fasting to go do my blood work and didn't have to make breakfast. The Kaiser doctors offices open at 8:30 am but the lab does not open until 9:00, then the tech doesn't get there to set up until right at 9:00 and she didn't start drawing blood until almost 9:15. There were 3 people ahead of me. I left Hiker in the house alone for a little over an hour. She is getting good at staying in the house and behaving herself. After I got home, I took Hiker out for a 1.5 mile walk. Cold and breezy out there. On this day in 1973, I met Ben for the first time at the home of some mutual friends. I was there to go to dinner with our friends and Ben just happened to stop by to show them the new car he had just bought that day. We did not have our first date until May 11, 1974. Little did I know on that December day 38 years ago that I had just met my soul mate.

After being so cold this morning, it actually got up into the low 70's this afternoon. Took Hiker out for a second walk (1 mile), so I'm getting some of my strength back from when I was sick. Started getting my blood work results back from Kaiser in my email. My blood sugar was lower than I thought it would be since I've been eating so much pasta. I love pastas and they are such a comfort food.

Windy Again

2011-12-22T15:32:00.000-08:00

Really cold and windy this morning when we got up and it stayed that way all day. I left Hiker alone in the house and headed over to Wal-Mart. I got there before 8:00 AM so there was not very many people there yet. Got the groceries that I was running out of and also bought Hiker a new toy. It is a “stuffing free” skunk. We've named him “Stinky”. So far Hiker loves him. As soon as I took him out of the bag, she wanted him. I gave him to her and she ran around the house with him in her mouth. Took Hiker out for a short walk around the block. Too cold and windy to go any farther. Then I put her in the car and went to Sam's Club. Could not believe all of the traffic on the roads. People must have taken the day off to go Christmas shopping. Sam's Club was not very crowded though. I had a headache that just would not go away today. Stayed inside again most of the afternoon.

Hiker & Stinky

Feeling Much Better

2011-12-21T15:42:00.001-08:00

Went to bed last night around 8:30 PM and went to sleep around 9:00. Woke up still feeling very weak. Stayed in bed until almost 8:00 AM and then got up and went to soak in the tub again. Poor Hiker, she just cannot figure out why we are not going for the walks like we used too. I feel so sorry for her. After breakfast, I decided to get dressed and at least take Hiker for a walk around the block here inside the community. It actually made me feel better getting out in the fresh cool air and I know it made Hiker happy. Maybe the warm stale air inside the house is not helping me. I actually felt so much better today that I was able to keep my lunch date with my friends Karren & Wally. We went to Marie Calendars. It was really a nice change from being in the house all day and not knowing what to fix for lunch. I had a chicken pot pie with a salad and slice of lemon meringue pie. Had a really nice time with them. When Ben was alive, the four of us used to get together for lunch a lot and we even took a vacation to Ferndale together a couple of times. I also gave Wally some of Ben's work sweat shirts and T-shirts, plus gave him Ben's winter coat. Ben would be happy to know that Wally will enjoy them. Hiker loved playing with Wally while they were here. After they left to head home, I actually got out with Hiker for a one mile walk. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll feel well enough to get over to Wal-Mart very early in the morning before the crowds get there so I can do my grocery shopping, and maybe Friday morning I can get over to Kaiser's Lab and do my blood work. If not, I'll try to go over Monday morning before my brother Keith gets here for his visit. For the first day of winter, we had beautiful weather here in SoCal. Got up to about 70° and was clear and sunny. They are saying Christmas weekend will be the same weather, which is pretty normal for us.

Still Not Feeling Well

2011-12-20T15:35:00.000-08:00

Was hoping I'd feel much better today, but I didn't. I was really feeling pretty good by the time I went to bed last night at 11:00 pm. I actually started feeling better late yesterday afternoon. I watched “The Closer” and “Rizzoli & Isles” and then hit the sheets, but I was wide awake and did not fall asleep until around 1:45 am. When I woke up around 6:00 am, I felt very weak so stayed in bed until around 8:00 and then got up and moved to the living room sofa. Was supposed to go to my grief group today, but knew I would not be able to drive, so didn't go. Poor Hiker. She wanted to go out for a walk so badly, she didn't know what to do with herself. Hopefully I'll be better soon. I'm supposed to go out to lunch with some friends tomorrow, plus I need to get to the market to get some groceries. I have chicken and ground beef in the freezer, along with some fish and some ham, but I'm getting to where I just don't know what to fix for meals. I never was much into cooking. I know I need to eat to get stronger. Hiker tried to occupy herself by playing with “Blue Toy”. I just feel so sorry for her because she does not understand. Up until now, I would take her for walks every day and go out in the yard and play ball with her. For the past 2 days, she just sits and watches me. She doesn't even want to go outside by herself to play. She barks at the door and I open it for her, then she just looks up at me like she's asking “why won't you come outside and play with me”? Most of the day she sat in Ben's chair and just stared at me.

Under The Weather

2011-12-19T15:45:00.001-08:00

I had planned on going over to the Kaiser lab this morning to have my blood work done for when I go to see my doctor in January and then I was going to go by Wal-Mart and pick up a few groceries that I'm running out of, but I woke up in the middle of the night with heart burn again. Got up and drank some vinegar and water which made me feel better, so I was able to go back to sleep. But when I woke up around 5:30 am, I felt really tired, so decided to stay in bed most of the day, or at least stay in my jammies all day and lay around on the sofa. I think everything is just catching up with me. Ever since I got Hiker, I've tried to keep active with her and I think maybe I've overdone it. I remember when Ben first went into the hospital back in February, I felt exactly this same way. I think some of it is also stress. Even though I'm not celebrating Christmas, I think the holiday is stressing me out because I do not have Ben with me. I got up and made myself an egg on a muffin and after I ate it, I started feeling better. I decided to get up, make the bed, throw on some sweats and just veg out on the sofa all day instead of staying in bed. But I still did not feel well enough to go out driving. Besides, it was all cloudy and gray outside and they said it might rain. I could tell Hiker was disappointed that she did not get out for walks, but she got over it and did OK playing with her toys in the house. She would go out into the backyard but never left the porch. She would lie next to the sliding door and watch me. Probably to make sure I was OK. When she came inside, she would get up on the sofa next to me and bark at me. Been eating comfort foods all day. Had a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. By then I was feeling about 75% better than I was when I woke up this morning. I walked up to the mail box and took Hiker with me since she wasn't going to get out on a normal walk today. When we got back to the house, I opened the door for her and she was refusing to go inside. She wanted to stay out and walk some more.

Sunny Sunday

2011-12-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

Last evening Hiker did something so cute. I put her dinner in her bowl in the laundry room and she was eating. I went into the bathroom toward the front of the house and she stopped eating and came to see where I was as she never really lets me out of her sight. After she saw me in the bathroom, she went back to the laundry room to eat some more. In the meantime, I went to get something out of the entry closet. Well Hiker thought I was still in the bathroom and she went right past me and into the bathroom to look for me and saw that I was not there, so she turned and ran to the other end of the house to see if I was in my bedroom. When she saw I wasn't, she ran back to the front of the house to see if I was in the computer room, and when she saw I was not there, she ran back to the bedroom again. She ran back and forth about 3 times before she finally noticed me in the entry and she came running to me like she had not seen me in years. I guess she thought she had “lost” me or something. Silly doggie. Woke up around 6:00 am and turned on the TV to watch the morning news. Found cartoons on instead and then realized it was Sunday. Stayed in bed until 8:00 and then got up a made breakfast. Took Hiker on a short 1 mile walk. I put her jacket on her and she just does not seem to like having it on. She acts like she has done something bad and droops her ears. When she walks with it on, she does not have that “happy step” like she does when she does not have it on. I make sure it's not too tight on her so it's not that. I usually end up taking it off of her and then she is happy again. It was a beautiful day here today. Almost hit 70°. Took Hiker down to the park in the afternoon to let her sniff around and explore. She just loves checking out everything she sees. I've decided that I'm going over to the Kaiser office where my doctor is here in Canyon Country in the morning to have my blood work done. That way he will have the results for when I go in to see him in January. I'll bet my cholesterol is higher because I cannot take the statins to lower it plus I have not been watching what I eat every since Ben died. I eat whatever I want, mostly comfort foods. I'm not diabetic, but I'll bet my blood sugar levels will be up too because I have been eating a lot of pastas (more comfort food) because they are so easy to make and I love pasta. But I've decided I am not going to deprive myself of anything I want. Life is too short.

Below is a photo of Ben and me one Christmas in our favorite place - Ferndale, CA

Gloomy Day Outside

2011-12-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

Did not have a good evening yesterday. I felt very lost and alone. Kept thinking so much about Ben and still not believing that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without him. This was not supposed to happen. We were supposed to grow old together. We were going to be that cute little old couple who had been married for 50 years and were still in love and still holding hands. I sobbed and Hiker kept barking at me to stop. I don't know why, but I am not looking forward to going from 2011 to 2012. For some reason, it makes me feel like I'm losing Ben even more because it will be a different year from when he passed away, as if time is pushing him even further away from me. Plus it makes me realize more that I am really going to have to live the rest of my life without him. When Hiker and I woke up this morning, it was dark, cloudy and windy. We stayed in bed until 8:00 and then got up, had breakfast and went for a 1.5 mile walk. By then it had cleared up a little, but was still partly cloudy. Came home and started having problems with my WIFI router. All this time I thought I was having a bad connection with my provider (Time Warner). My Internet was down for about an hour and I finally plugged the Ethernet cable directly into my laptop and it worked just fine. Plugged it back into my router and no Internet again. Kept resetting, unplugging, plugging in, etc. and finally the router started to work again but don't know why. I may have to get a new one. I got this one just about a year ago so if it is going bad, it sure didn't last very long. Told my brother Keith that I may need to get a new one when he comes out for his visit the end of this month. It got really cloudy again around 11:00 am just before the gardener came. At least he got the yard mowed in case it starts to rain later. Since the weather was not so great outside, Hiker and I stayed in most of the day watching TV.

Windy All Day

2011-12-16T15:41:00.001-08:00

My wind chimes blowing in the wind woke me up this morning. Hiker actually has been letting me sleep later in the mornings now. It was 45° when we woke up, but I didn't feel very well this morning, so we stayed in bed until almost 8:00 am. Got up and went for a short 1 mile walk because the wind was blowing very cold. Hiker still doesn't know what to think about her coat. When I put it on her, her ears droop and she doesn't act like herself. The wind blew really hard most of the day. I basically stayed inside most of the day. Hiker kept going in and out, from the house to the back yard. She would go out and lay in the sun for awhile and then want back in. I know she would have liked me to come out and play ball with her, but I just did not feel like it. A large twig broke from the tree and fell to the ground and she went out to inspect that. I cut out more squares from Ben's shirts for the pillow. I wanted to have them all done so when Linda gets back and we start putting it all together. During lunch, I had one of those “sneak attacks” of tears hit me. A vision of Ben lying in his hospital bed went through my mind and wham, I started to cry. Hiker came over to me and started licking me and she was making whimpering sounds. Because of the high winds, did not take Hiker out for an afternoon walk. Instead I watched a movie called “Bag Of Bones” on A&E. It's from a Stephen King book.

A Milestone In My Widowhood

2011-12-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

I've been crying a lot more again lately. Don't know if it's because Christmas is coming or if it's because today it's been 6 months since Ben passed away. 6 months is a major milestone. I cannot believe how fast time goes by when you live your life in a constant daze. Most of the time I don't know what day it is or what time it is. Thank goodness for calendars and clocks. The wound of losing Ben seems to be more open and more raw at this time than it was 6 months ago. I'm still struggling so hard with my faith, or I should say, my lack of faith. I lost my faith 6 months ago on the day Ben died. I'm sure this has a lot to do with why I do not want to even acknowledge Christmas this year. As a kid, I believed in God, Heaven and life-after-death. Now I question their existence. I tend to believe now that the only “life-after-death” that exists is the memory of Ben's life I keep alive in my heart. If there was no one on earth to remember a person who passes away and keep their memory alive, there would be no so-called “life-after-death”. It was 30° this morning when Hiker woke me up to go potty. Decided not to take her for her morning walk until it got warmer because yesterday when we went out, even though I had on a coat and gloves, it was freezing. This SoCal “girl” is NOT used to it being so cold. After lunch, I took Hiker over to PetSmart and bought her a Martha Stewart Doggie Quilt Coat for when she and I go out on our cold walks. Every year I make calendars for my friend Judy with her grandchildren on them. She gave me a check for them when I saw her awhile back so I finally got around to cashing that check and decided to spend some of it on Hiker, so that's what I paid for her coat with. I took her out in it this afternoon just to see how she'd react to it. She was a little upset about it at first, but I think she got more used to it as we walked. She did keep trying to shake it off her body though, like when dogs shake water off. While we were out for our short afternoon walk, it was drizzling some which is strange because they did not mention any rain, just more wind. It is getting dark and cloudy, so I don't know what's going on.

Saw Ben's Buddy

2011-12-14T15:35:00.001-08:00

Was 29° when Hiker woke me up around 6:15 to go potty this morning. She actually slept in about a hour longer than she usually does. I think she was warm and cozy under the comforter and she didn't want to go out into the cold. When we left for our short morning walk there was frost all over everything. Linda came by around 10:30 am and she and I drove up to Sunland to meet Ben's buddy Ed at the Sizzler Steak House where Ed treated Linda and I to lunch. Had a nice time. When Linda and I got back to my house, I took a “major” step. We pulled out Ben's favorite polo shirts and started to cut pieces out of them for the Memory Pillow Linda is going to help me make from them. Originally I had considered giving Ben's polo shirts to Goodwill or Salvation Army, but thought if we made something with them, I would have the memory of Ben wearing those shirts with me all of the time. Several of them have specific memories for me, which I shared with Linda. I will give his slacks and shoes to Goodwill or Salvation Army, plus some jackets and sweat shirts. Cutting the shirts into pieces didn't bother me, because I know they are going to be recycled into something I can keep. I think if I had given them to charity, it would have been harder on me. The pillow will not be completed for a few weeks as Linda will be leaving tomorrow for Arizona to be with her family for Christmas. Hiker was playing with me today and she gave me a “love bite” on my arm. She usually just takes my hand or arm into her mouth and does not really bite down, but today she did and it broke the skin a little. Her teeth are so sharp.

Group Day

2011-12-13T15:53:00.001-08:00

I feel guilty about not going to the two cemeteries this year for Christmas. Ben and I didn't have a lot of traditions for Christmas, but one we did have was to take either a little Christmas tree or a poinsettia to the graves of my parents at Glenhaven Memorial Park and then also to the graves of his parents at Forest Lawn Memorial Park. I just cannot make myself go to the cemeteries alone this year. I have Ben's ashes here at home with me, so I don't have to go anywhere to visit with him. Woke up to a cold, partly cloudy morning. Took Hiker on a short 1 mile walk. She always seems to know when I am going to go away for part of the day and leaving her in the garage. She just sits and stares at me and doesn't want anything to do with the garage. I put her into the garage and headed out to meet my friend DeDee at the Senior Center for our Grief Group. It was a good group today. More “interactive” than normal. We went to lunch after group then I headed home to get Hiker out of the garage. As usual, she was really happy to see me. I took her for another short walk. She was so excited when she saw me pick up her leash to take her.

Stuck In The House Rainy Momday

2011-12-12T15:42:00.001-08:00

It was drizzling a little when we woke up this morning. Not a lot, but things were wet. I don't like taking Hiker out for a walk in the rain because besides her back getting wet, her feet, legs and belly get muddy from walking through the wet stuff. I tried to take her out as it was not really raining. Luckily I took an umbrella because we got about 3 blocks out and it started to rain so we turned around and came right back home. Hiker loves to get dried off with the towel. It's funny how she hates to take a bath (or shower) but she doesn't mind being out in the rain. Had breakfast and then vacuumed the hair out of the carpet. Hiker sure sheds a lot for a short haired dog. I emptied enough hair out of the vacuum cylinder to cover a hairless Chihuahua (LOL). My vacuum seems to pick the hair up pretty good, but I still need a vacuum that is lighter and not so hard to maneuver. Contacted my insurance agent. He handles both my car insurance and my house/earthquake insurance. I told him that I do not drive my vehicles as much now since Ben is no longer here. That I only drive around the Santa Clarita Valley to go shopping, out to lunch, etc. They changed my annual miles per year on the 4Runner and saved me $144 per year. Kind of a “wasted” day. All I did was sit on the sofa watching TV except for the 30 minutes that I vacuumed the carpet. Hiker has been going crazy all day because she could not go outside for a walk.

Stuck Inside On A Rainy Day

2011-12-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

Somewhat Sad Sunday

2011-12-11T15:36:00.001-08:00

Was 30° when I woke up this morning around 6:00 am. Hike must have thought it was cold because she went out to potty and came running back in as soon as she was finished. For some reason I felt very tired when I first woke up, so stayed in bed awhile. Finally got up and took Hiker for her walk, came back home and had breakfast. My friend DeDee who came over yesterday had brought me some blueberry muffins that she had made. I had a couple of them and they were delicious. Thanks DeDee! Put my sheets and towels into the washing machine and waited for the load to finish so I could put them into the dryer and head out to buy my Lotto tickets. I hear the Mega Millions is over $115 million. It sure takes a lot longer to make a California King sized bed when you are doing it alone. Ben always used to help me make it up after I'd wash the sheets. He'd also help me to fold the towels and put them away. While making the bed, I started to remember how at Christmas time Ben loved to go over to our Lumber City Hardware store (which went out of business last year). He liked going there because they always had the biggest display of Christmas decorations on sale. They always had things that we never saw in other stores. I would see his eyes light up when he'd look at all of the lights and animated decorations. After I was done putting the bed back together, I sat down and watched “A Summer Place” on Turner Classic Movies. Would you believe I had never seen that movie before? The Percy Faith version of theme song of that movie has always been one of my very favorite songs. Ben loved that song too. This was the first Sunday in a long time that I was really feeling lonely. I just felt so sad all day. Finally had to get out of the house, so Hiker and I headed down to the dry riverbed and just wandered around. Getting out into the fresh air helped some.

Saturday With My Friend

2011-12-10T15:42:00.001-08:00

Enjoyed the movie “The Help” last night. Watched it on Time Warner's On Demand channel. Was 35° when I woke up around 6:00 am to let Hiker out to potty. Turned on the morning news and they said we were having a total eclipse of the moon here in SoCal this morning, but I could not see it from my sliding glass door and I was not going to go out into the cold just to have a peek. The morning news also said that there is a big, cold, rain storm heading our way that will hit us Sunday evening and last through Tuesday morning. The snow level is supposed to be really low so who knows? Santa Clarita might get some snow. My friend DeDee showed up a little after 9:00 am and she met Hiker then we checked out her laptop. She was having problems on Facebook and it turned out to just be a change in setting on Facebook that was messing her up. But while she was here, I also ran scans and virus checks on the computer and everything seemed to be working OK when she left. She and I put Hiker into the garage and we headed over to Route 66 Bar & Grill for lunch. The place was deserted. Everyone must be out Christmas shopping. After she left, I noticed that my brother Ron had called and left a message, so I called him back and we talked for a few minutes, then I took Hiker out for a short walk. How can we be so chilly in the morning but the afternoon gets up to 80°? Really strange. While out walking this afternoon, I had another Ben/Christmas memory. I remember years ago when Ben's nephew Richard was really little. Ben called his sister (Donna) and had her put Richard on the phone and Ben pretended to be Santa Clause. Donna said that Richard was so thrilled that “Santa” had called him. Ben asked Richard if he'd been a good boy and then asked what he wanted for Christmas. Don't know if Donna remembers Ben doing that.

Below is a photo of Ben in his favorite place at Christmas…Ferndale,CA

To My Family & Friends

2011-12-10T15:19:00.001-08:00

CLICK ON PHOTO TO ENLARGE AND READ

Cold In The Morning...Warm In The Afternoon

2011-12-09T15:13:00.001-08:00

Got out into the 30° weather for a walk with Hiker this morning. It was cold but I needed to get out early and get back to do some laundry, go online to try to get a January checkup appointment with my doctor and then head over to Sam's Club to pick up a few things. Went to Sam's Club and left Hiker inside the house by herself for about 45 minutes to an hour. I've left her for 15 minutes before, so I keep building up the time. I didn't want to leave her in the garage because it was cold out there this morning. When I got home, everything looked OK, so I guess she didn't do anything she should not have done. I went online and made my regular annual appointment with my doctor. I go on January 16th, the day before my birthday. I emailed him after I got the appointment in case he wants me to get some blood work done before I see him. He told me he ordered them and for me to go in anytime for the blood work. I'll have to fast. I'm going to watch “The Help” on the On Demand Channel tonight. I never did get to see it in the theater. Well, I tried to feed baby carrots to Hiker and she does not like them. She just does not seem to like veggies, but she sure likes fruits, especially bananas. It started getting windy here after lunch which made the temperatures go up because they are Santa Ana Winds. The temperature got up to about 75° by 2:00 pm. Took Hiker out for a 1 mile walk through the dry riverbed. It was beautiful out there and as usual, Hiker enjoyed every second of her walk. Why does it keep feeling like one of these days, Ben is going to come home from work and I'll wake up from this nightmare?

Took A Short Hike

2011-12-08T15:57:00.001-08:00

Finally heard from Henry Mayo Newhall Hospital that my $2000 bill I was disputing for Ben's stay in their ICU was paid for by Kaiser. When I talked to them last week, they had not received the payment yet, so I'm glad that this is now taken care of. Very cold when we woke up this morning. Only 28° I fed Hiker and she then went outside to potty. She didn't stay out as long as she normally does. I think she thought it was too cold. She and I got back in bed for awhile to get warm. Got up and had a bowl of cereal then headed up to the liquor store to buy Lotto tickets. When I get there, the owner is standing outside and he tells me that some vandals came by last night and put glue or something in his door locks and he cannot open the store. Told him I'd come back later. Linda came by at 10:00 am and we headed over to Towsley Canyon to take Hiker on a short hike. On the way I stopped at Ben's old work place and gave the people there some fudge that I had made Sunday and also took Hiker in to meet them. We did a 1.5 mile hike up a somewhat steep trail. I can tell I'm not as young as I used to be. I start getting “winded” on trails that are not level. As usual, Hiker enjoyed her hike. I keep getting phone calls from the lady at the mortuary who took care of Ben's remains. She had come out to my house about a month and a half ago tried to get me to agree to purchasing a contract with them so they could handle my remains after I die. I've heard that sometimes doing the arrangements ahead of time is good, but sometimes it's not.

Fun Day With Some Friends

2011-12-07T15:22:00.001-08:00

When I've been walking Hiker, I've noticed all of the Christmas lights people have put up. Of course we are walking in the day time so they are not lit. I used to love to go out walking around the neighborhood in the dark close to Christmas so I could see all of the decorations, but this year, I do not feel like doing that. I hate hearing Christmas music at the stores. I remember Ben would sit in his chair at night and sing Christmas carols. He'd start out singing one carol and by the time he finished he was singing a totally different one. He'd also make up different words for the carols. He was always so much fun. He could tell a story and make it up as he told it. He never hesitated while telling it. He just rambled on and on and I'd sit and laugh until I'd be in tears. I miss his sense of humor. I had to go grocery shopping this morning so left early to head over to Wal-Mart before the Christmas shoppers get there. Seems like every time I go to my Wal-Mart, they are filming Wal-Mart commercials there. Makes it hard to get into certain isles. Came home and took Hiker for her walk. She was raring to go since I had not taken her earlier. While out walking I realized that I had forgotten to take my blood pressure pills this morning. I was in such a hurry to get my groceries, I just plain forgot. I took them when I got back from my walk. I met with several of my retired girlfriends today for lunch. We always have so much fun when we get together. Most of us have known each other for over 35 years. Hiker was excited again when I got home. My friend Judy had given me two toys for Hiker that her sister Ginny had made. One is a rope toy and the other is cloth, so she can play with them in the house. I gave them to her when I got home and she immediately started playing with both of them. Got up to 72° here today. Funny, we are so cold in the morning.

Memories Flow Back

2011-12-06T15:38:00.001-08:00

Well last night I finally saw the commercial that I heard that night when I thought Ben had called me from the other room by saying “Hey You”. The commercial was for La Cordon Bleu cooking school. The guy's voice did sound like Ben's voice. Now I know I'm not crazy. Cold again this morning. Stayed in bed about 30 minutes longer than normal then got up and took Hiker on a 1 mile walk. I've noticed that she is getting fatter. I exercise her, so it's got to be the snacks I give to her in the middle of the day. The shelter had told me to feed her 1 cup of dry food I the morning and 1 cup in the evening, but I have been giving her bites of my lunch and other treats in the middle of the day so I guess I need to stop doing that every day. Now and then is OK but I don't want her to get too fat. I looked at some photos of her when I first got her and noticed that her middle section was a lot thinner 2 months ago. Went to my grief group today at the senior center. Not very many people showed up. Assume most of them were out Christmas shopping. Four of the regular guys showed up and a couple of the regular ladies plus me. Sometimes I think it goes better when less of us are there. Came home and Hiker was so thrilled to see me and for me to let her out of the garage. She kissed me for about 5 minutes before stopping. Took her for a 1.5 mile walk in the late afternoon. She was happy to be out walking. Hiker does not have a tail to wag, so I have to watch her ears to see what kind of mood she is in. Droopy ears means she sad, up and pointy means she's happy or curious. But today, I noticed the muscle where her tail would be wiggling a little bit. I've never noticed that before. Usually dogs without tails wag their entire butt but she doesn't. A memory of Ben came to me today. I've mentioned how he always worried about me. When I was meeting friends for lunch while he was at work, he wanted me to call him when I left home, when I reached my destination, when I left to go home and when I returned home. He worried about me when I was out hiking alone. Well I remember a time back in the late 1980's or early 1990's. SoCal was having very heavy rain storms. Streets were flooding and electricity was out in many places. Lockheed was still in Burbank, so I only worked about 8 or 9 miles from where we were living. I don't remember where Ben was working, but he usually got home after me. There were no cell phones back then. Well, one day it rained so much that some of us left work early. We had heard that streets were flooded, cars were underwater and traffic lights were out. I called home and left a message for Ben telling him that I was leaving work early and that I'd see him when we both got home. It usually only took me about 20 to 30 minutes to get home. I headed out and found that my normal route was closed due to flooding through the underpass, so I headed down a different route. Naturally the traffic was horrific because of the rain and no traffic lights. Ben somehow got home before me and got my message, I was still out on the road. I decided to take a turn and head up to the road I normally traveled. It was the street that our mobile home park was on, but I was still about 5 or 6 miles away from home. By now, Ben was starting to worry about me so he called my boss and she told him I had left about 30 or 40 minutes earlier. I finally got to the street I normally went to and from work on and I turned left and headed down the road at a snail's pace. Bumper to bumper traffic. I knew I still would not get home for another 30 to 45 minutes and that Ben would be worried, but I had no way to call him. I'd gone about 2 blocks when I looked at the on-coming traffic and see Ben's truck coming down the road toward me. I flashed my lights at him and thank goodness he saw me. He made a U-turn and jumped in front of me in the traffic and we headed for home. When we got there, I scolded him for going out into the weather and traffic. He told me that he was so worried about me that he was going to find me no matter what it took. I was just lucky that I had gotten back onto the road that I traveled on a daily basis before he passed the road I had just turned off from. Otherwise he would have missed me totally. I was so lucky to have a person who loved me so much that he put my safety ahead of his. I loved him for it, but at the same time, I was mad at him for risking it.

Mellow Monday

2011-12-05T15:20:00.001-08:00

I have found out that Hiker loves to snack on fruit. So far she likes oranges, bananas and apples and today she tried pineapple. I always look on the Internet to see if it OK for her to eat something before I give it to her. I read where some dogs also like veggies, but so far, she does not seem to like any veggies. For those of you who keep asking how Hiker is doing with her potty training....she is doing great. She now pretty much lets me know when she has to go outside. She did have an accident the other day. It seems that when she thinks I'm mad at her, she lets loose with the pee, so that goes along with my thinking that someone abused her when she was a puppy. It was too cold for an early morning walk again, so we waited until it got a little warmer and I drove Hiker over to our Central Park for a walk and there was a filming crew there. Don't know if they were filming for a movie or for TV but they were doing something about baseball which is strange as there were leaves falling all around them and it was obvious it was fall and not summer. Just as we were getting ready to leave for our walk this morning, I turned on my sprinklers and noticed that one of them was pretending to be a geyser. Had to fix it before we could leave. I think maybe the gardener ran over it with the mower and chopped of the top because I had to dig and replace the entire pop-up stem. Luckily I had some spares in the garage. Also a good thing that I was the one who always took care of the sprinklers instead of Ben or I would not have know how to fix it. While on my walk I got a little teary eyed. I got to thinking about how scared and lonely Ben must have been in that hospital all of the hours that I could not be there with him. Even though I went to be with him every day and spent almost all of the day with him, I'm sure he wished I could have been there 24/7. I know I would have wanted him with me 24/7 if I had been the one with all of the tubes stuck in my body. He cried at least 2 or 3 times that I remember when I was there. Took Hiker over to PetSmart after lunch to get her some new indoor toys. She loves to play ball more than anything. Tennis balls are too hard for indoor play but if I give her fabric balls, she rips them to shreds and if I give her rubber balls, she chews them into little pieces and I'm afraid she will swallow them. I found some “rope” twined balls that are not real hard, but I'm sure that eventually she will end up tearing them all apart too. She is just really hard on toys. She destroys all of them eventually. Took Hiker down to the dry riverbed to walk around in the afternoon. She doesn't really care how far we go or how long we are gone, just as long as she is able to get outside and roam around awhile. Once I get her home, she is totally satisfied and usually takes a nap.

Cold Morning, Cookies & Fudge

2011-12-04T15:23:00.001-08:00

When I let Hiker out to go potty after her breakfast this morning, I saw that it was only 30° outside. I told Hiker that I was NOT going to take her out for a walk until it got warmer. She and I went back to bed to get warm. She got off the bed and down onto the floor and she threw up her breakfast. She has never done that before so I hope she is OK. She thought she was in trouble, but I hugged her and told her it was OK because she cannot control throwing up. She got back up on the bed and went to sleep. It was 18 years ago today that Ben and I moved into this house. I remember we were so excited that day. We had a new house for Christmas. This year I could care less. Stayed in bed until almost 8:00 and then got up and had breakfast and put my sheets and towels into the washer. They said on the morning news that the winds are coming back again. They are predicting 70 mph winds for Santa Clarita tonight, so I put all of the stuff back into the garage again just in case. My friend DeDee warned me yesterday that they said the winds would return. Had to go get my lotto tickets and I promised Hiker that when we got back from doing that, I'd take her for a walk, which I did. It was still a bit chilly out there. In the mid-40's. Today I made two kinds of fudge...chocolate with walnuts and peanut butter and also made some peanut butter cookies. I am going to take some of the fudge over to the people where Ben used to work but I cannot get it over there until sometime Thursday. I don't know where the big winds are supposed to come from tonight because it's as calm as can be outside right now. I had to go over to Home Depot this afternoon and when I was coming out of the store, I noticed a little dog tied to a pickup truck and somehow, the dog slipped out of his collar. Me and 2 other people were trying to get to the dog when the owner showed up thank goodness. Don't know why he didn't just keep the dog in the cab of the truck. What a moron!

Me and Ben - Christmas 1997

our 4th Christmas in our house

Walking and Cleaning

2011-12-03T15:38:00.001-08:00

This morning I confused Hiker. Instead of getting out of bed right after I fed her and let her out to potty, I got my laptop, turned on the TV and got back into bed. I just felt like lounging for once. After 37+ years of getting up early to go to work, I still don't sleep in too much. I'm usually up around 7:00 am and out the door with Hiker by 7:15 or so. Hiker could not figure out what was going on. At first she kept bumping me with her nose and then hitting me with her paw, trying to get me up to go for a walk, but finally she settled down and stretched out next to me and went to sleep for a little while. We got up around 8:00 and went for a 1.5 mile walk. I have not cried for several days but this morning, I cried while out on our walk. I was thinking about Ben's voice, his smile, his wit. Guess I needed a good cry. When we got home, I got to work finishing up on the shampooing of the carpet. All I had left was my bedroom and master bathroom. Took me about 1 1/2 hours to do and my carpet shampooer decided to crap out on me just as I was finishing. So when it's time to shampoo the carpet again I have 3 choices....buy a new shampooer, rent one, or have a professional do the work. I'll have to see how my finances are at that time I guess. Also, does anyone out there have a Dyson Ball Vacuum Cleaner? I have wanted one for a long time. My vacuum is hard for me to push sometimes and I hear that with the big ball on the Dyson that they are easy to push around. I wanted one when Ben was alive, but he said they were too expensive, but if it will help me get the house cleaning done easier, it would be worth it. So if anyone has one, let me know if you like it and if it is easy to push and does it have a lot of suction. I have a lot of dog hair to vacuum up now. It was a little windy here all day. In fact, when Hiker and I were out for our morning walk, the wind was pretty cold. It was cold enough that when my gardener came by to mow, he had on a big heavy jacket. Went for a second 1.5 mile walk in the afternoon and it was still windy. We are actually having more wind right now than we had when they told us that big wind storm as coming. I was looking in the bathroom mirror earlier and say this really “old” woman looking back at me. I think that I have aged a lot since Ben died. I wonder what he'd think if he saw me looking so haggard.

Bargain Day

2011-12-02T15:38:00.001-08:00

Took Hiker for a short walk this morning, then came home and had breakfast. Then headed up to Kohl's to use my free $10 gift card. This time I bought 2 Sonora T-Shirts with screened designs on the front. They were on sale for $7.99 each and with my card, I got both of them for $6.50. Also went by Target and got myself a new feather/down pillow. The one I have is about 10 years old and it was getting really flat. I was waking up with a sore neck and shoulders. When I got back home, I took the patio stuff out of the garage and put it back out on the patio. They told us that the wind warnings have been canceled. It started getting cloudy just after noon but then the sun came out again by 2:00. I took Hiker for a 2 mile walk and by the time we got home, the sun was gone again. It cannot seem to make up its mind. We now have high, thin clouds. I found a soft fabric ball for Hiker. It was out in the garage in a storage bin. She love playing with it in the house and I like it because I can throw it for her without worrying about breaking anything and she can run around inside and play with it. Once I threw it and it bounced and went into the trash can. She found it though and got it out of the trash can by herself. I'll have to see if I can find some more of these kind of balls at PetSmart or Wal-Mart. Think I'll make mac & cheese for dinner. Nice comfort food.

Wind Or No Wind?

2011-12-01T15:34:00.001-08:00

Don't know what happened to the wind last night, but we didn't have very much here in Canyon Country. It sure did hit other areas hard though. I knocked down a bunch of big trees in Pasadena and knocked the power out in other places, but we didn't have hardly any wind here. I won't put anything back on the patio yet because they are saying we still may get some wind tonight. Took Hiker on a short walk this morning because I needed to get over to Wal-Mart and pick up some groceries and also stop by Sam's Club. Always like to get over to Wal-Mart early in the morning before the crowds get there, especially this time of year. We got a little bit of wind in the afternoon, but it wasn't very bad, just a few gusts. Got another bill from Henry Mayo Hospital for the $2000. I'm guessing they didn't receive the payment Kaiser sent them yet. I called and left a voice mail message telling them that Kaiser had paid them. This time the bill said they were going to send it to collections if I didn't pay. I just took Hiker for a second short walk and the wind is starting to blow pretty hard. It's blowing a lot more now than it did last night. I hope that we don't get the high speed gusts that others got last night. I've had a slight headache all day. I think it's because of the problem not getting the woman at the Canyon View office to understand about my lease and then getting another bill statement from Henry Mayo Hospital. My brother Keith always tells me I worry too much. I can't help it...I've always been that way.

Waiting For The Wind

2011-11-30T15:14:00.001-08:00

Went for a morning walk with Hiker and then I went out and put everything that I could from the patio into the garage and what could not go into the garage, I put in the far back corner of the patio. They say the wind storm is supposed to start hitting us around 9:00 tonight and last through Friday sometime. I'm hoping it's not going to be as bad as they are predicting because I worry about wind damage to the house, like losing the roof. I sure am glad I have my lawyer. I took her the paperwork the community sent to me when I asked to have Ben's name taken off of my land lease and a copy of my current lease. She said that the paperwork they sent is NOT the paperwork that would do what we asked them to do, in fact she said that if I filled that paperwork out and signed it and sent it to them, it would cancel my land lease and since they did not send me a new one to sign, she told me to just ignore the paperwork and leave Ben's name on the lease. She said since my name is already on the lease, it should not matter if his name is on it or not. She said if the community's main office calls me again about it, to tell them that she advised me to just leave the lease as is and if they have a problem with that, for me to tell them to have their "legal department" call her. She said they probably don't even have a legal department. Took Hiker on a second short walk this afternoon. It's still not windy, just a little breezy.

Grief Group and Lunch With A Friend

2011-11-29T15:46:00.001-08:00

Stayed up a little later last night than I have been lately. Wanted to watch “The Closer” and “Rizzoli & Isles”. Because of it, I was sleepy all day. Hiker didn't wake me up until almost 7:00 am so I don't know if she was sleepy too or if she decided to let me sleep in a little (LOL). I took her for a short 1 mile walk this morning because I had to get back, make my breakfast and get ready to go to my grief group over at the senior center. My friend DeDee was meeting me there today and then we went to lunch after our group session. Hiker was not happy about going out to the garage to stay while I was gone. She seems to “know” when I'm trying to put her out there because I'm going away for a few hours and I have to trick her into going out by giving her some doggie treats. Most of the time she will just follow me out, but when she “senses” that I'm going somewhere and leaving her, she just sits back and stares at me. I was gone for 4 1/2 hours and she as so excited to see me when I got home. She jumped all over me and kissed me. Had a full house at group today but as I said, I was very sleepy and was having trouble holding my eyes open. Once DeDee and I got to the pizza parlor, I was OK though. It was nice to see DeDee. She had surgery a few weeks ago and I had not seen her for quite awhile. It was mostly cloudy here all day. Maybe that made me sleepy too. I got a couple of documents from Kaiser in the mail today stating “This Is Not A Bill” and I saw an amount of $2000 that they paid to Henry Mayo Newhall Hospital, so I'm hoping that everything is not taken care of with Ben's hospital bills. I was snacking on an orange and Hiker was eyeing the orange. I went online to see if I could give her oranges and it said most fruits (except grapes and raisins) are OK for dogs, so I gave her a couple of wedges and she loved it.

Another Day, Another Post

2011-11-28T16:02:00.001-08:00

Why is it that Sunday evenings feel so lonely for me? Didn't cry last evening, but felt so sad. I took another “baby step” before I went to bed. The plastic bag with Ben's clothes from the hospital was still on the floor where I left it the night he went into the hospital back in February. I finally picked it up and took his clothes out of it. Some days I wake up in the morning and think "I can do this. I can face this world alone". But other days I wake up and think I can't. And then there are the days I wake up and think "OK, I'm done with the grieving. It's time for it to stop and go away" as if I'm in control (LOL). I just wish everything could go back to the way it used to be, but we all know that will never happen because Ben is gone forever. Hiker and I went for our morning walk. Today the weather in the morning was not as pretty as yesterday. Today was a bit cloudy. Didn't have any plans for today, so decided to go out this morning and trim my rose bushes. Took Hiker out with me and tied her up so she could not run free, but gave her enough rope that she could roam around the yard. I don't trust her loose out in the front yard but I do let her run loose in the back yard. I keep thinking I should start going through things and toss whatever I can. I could start in one room and finish it all up and then go to the next room, but I just cannot get into the mood to do it. There are all kinds of papers and junk that I could get rid of, but I hate to get rid of anything that was Ben's or his and mine together. I would feel like I was tossing him away. I wish I could get myself to start cleaning up around here. Maybe when the new year gets here, I'll feel more like doing it. Got another free $10 gift card from Kohl's in the mail today. That's about my 10th one this year. Took Hiker out for another shorter walk this afternoon. I got a phone call from my brother Ron and while I was talking to him, Hiker was jumping all over me, chewing on my foot and barking at herself in the mirror. She really needed to burn off some energy. Sometimes she won't calm down until I take her for a walk.

Snapshot Sunday

2011-11-27T15:57:00.001-08:00

Well the “prescription” my friend “Dr.” Linda gave me to help stop my heartburn seemed to work better than anything else I had tired yesterday. She told me to mix vinegar and water and drink it, so I did and it seemed to help. Once again, she has come to my rescue. My Internet went down around 4:30 pm yesterday and I was feeling so isolated for some reason. It was down for over 30 minutes. Had a 20 minute crying attack while I could not get on my computer. Think it was because I had not felt very good all day and I missed Ben not being here to take care of me. Sometimes I feel like I just don't care about anything anymore and that makes me sad. But then I look at Hiker and know that I need to be strong for her because she needs me to take care of her. When I was crying, she was licking me and barking at me. I slept better last night, but this morning when I woke up, I felt very weak and had a few body aches from the episode. I guess the body aches could be from shampooing the carpet though. I took Hiker down to the park for a few minutes this morning and wished that I felt better today because it was a beautiful morning and would have been a great morning to take her for a hike in the mountains. I could tell that Hiker knew I didn't feel well because she stayed by my side and kept kissing my hand. I started feeling better, and I could not stand to be inside when it was so nice outside, so I put Hiker in the 4Runner and headed up to Vasquez Rocks County Park. I had never taken her there and she loved it. She lives for being out in nature and exploring everything. She was born for it. I normally do a load of laundry on Sunday...my sheets and towels, but I didn't feel like doing it this morning, but after Hiker and I got home from Vasquez Rocks I decided to at least wash my towels. Since it's just me in the bed now, I guess there is really no need to wash the sheets every week.
Here is the link to my photos if I didn't already sendit to you:
http://public.fotki.com/kayben80/miscellaneous-stuff/misc-2011/hikers-first-visit-/

A Little Sick On Saturday

2011-11-26T15:44:00.001-08:00

Didn't sleep well last night. I have a severe case of heartburn which I have not had in a long time. Had to sit up in bed most of the night and try to sleep that way. Don't know what I ate that caused it. I used to get heartburn a lot years ago. Took Hiker for a short 1 mile walk this morning because I wanted to get home and pay some bills and then shampoo the living room portion of my carpet. I almost didn't do it because the heartburn was making me feel kind of sick but I went and bought some Mylanta and came back home and did the carpet. Found out that I felt better working than I did just sitting around doing nothing. Had lunch and watched some movies on Hallmark Channel. Took Hiker for another 1 mile walk this afternoon, so I got some exercise in today. I've had several suggestions about how to “cure” my heartburn. I just tried Linda's suggestion of drinking a mixture of vinegar and water. Hope it helps. I think Hiker knew that I did not feel very well all day as she never let me out of her sight and she sat with me every time I sat down. I could not believe all of the hair she has left in the carpet. I vacuumed before I shampooed but there was still tons of hair. I thought with her short hair that she would not shed that much. I keep telling her she should be bald by now (LOL). Maybe I need a heavy duty vacuum. Noticed when Hiker and I went for our second walk that one of the new neighbor's 3 doors down was putting up outside Christmas lights. This is the weekend Ben and I would have been doing that.

A Day With Some Of Ben's Family

2011-11-25T16:34:00.001-08:00

Hiker loved her Thanksgiving turkey last night. She inhaled it all in about 10 seconds and then was begging for more, but I did not give her more because if I fed her the way she wants to be fed, she'd be the world fattest dog. I don't think I'll ever do another turkey for just me and Hiker. It's just too much trouble. Has to cook all day and then I have to clean everything up. I didn't mind doing it when Ben was here because he would help me with everything. He was so sweet about things like that. I had taken a sedative to help me get through the day yesterday and it made me so sleepy last night (along with the tryptophan from the turkey) that Hiker and I went to bed before 8:00 pm. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Took Hiker on her usual 1.5 mile walk this morning then had breakfast and put a load of laundry into the washer. Was planning on going to Sam's Club to pick up a few things I need, but then my gardener showed up at my door. Last week I had asked him about trimming the shade tree in my back yard when he had time. I worry every time we have a big wind storm that a big branch will break or that the entire tree might blow over into the house. He was wondering if he could trim it today. Only took him about an hour and 15 minutes trim the tree. I was getting ready to head over to Sam's Club when my phone rang. It was Ben's sister Donna. She and her husband and daughter were here in Santa Clarita from Las Vegas visiting their son and his family for Thanksgiving. She said they wanted to come over to see me and I was so happy to have them come. Had not seen them since Ben's memorial in July. I had some things of Ben's that I wanted to give to Donna that I knew would mean a lot more for her to have than for me to keep them. Things from their childhood. While we were at lunch, Donna and Beth (her daughter) told me something very interesting. Most of you probably remember the other day I posted about a strange thing that happened to me where I thought I heard Ben's voice call out “Hey You” to me while I was in my computer room and that I almost answered his call. Well Donna and Beth told me that they had a really strange experience about Ben. When growing up, Ben, his brother Lanny and sister Donna used to refer to each other with numbers in the order they were born. Lanny was “1”, Ben was “2” and Donna was “3”. When they all married, we, the in-laws became “ 1 1/2”, “2 1/2” and “3 1/2”. Only they and us in-laws knew about the numbers. Beth has an app on her phone that is supposed to detect “ghosts” if they are in the room. Kind of like the things you see on the TV shows about ghost hunters. Donna had never seen how it worked, so Beth was showing her. It has a meter that supposedly searches the room for any ghost activity. There is no way you can type text or record into the app. If there is an spirit in the room, text will show up on the screen and the app will say the word at the same time. The meter started searching and suddenly, the word “BEN” came up on the screen and the phone spoke the word “BEN” at the same time indicating that there was a spirit in the room named Ben. Donna and Beth were both shocked and didn't know how to react. Donna said “Ben, are you here?” and then the number “3” showed up on the screen and the phone said “3”. Donna felt that it was Ben and that he made the phone say “3” so that she knew for sure that it was really him. Not even Beth knew about Ben calling Donna “3” as a nickname. Donna told her husband Rich about it and he was even amazed. He said that if it had just spelled and said “BEN”, he would wonder about it, but then when it spelled and said “3”, that convinced him that there was something to it. Donna was hesitant about telling me this at first, but I told her I was so glad she did because I actually lost my faith after Ben died. I gave up on God and I gave up on Heaven and a life after death. After the experience I had and now what Donna and Beth told me, I may be able to get my faith back again. Maybe we are crazy, but I feel that it really was Ben trying to tell us that he is OK.

Me, Donna, Beth & Rich

I Made It Through Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T15:57:00.001-08:00

Well it's my first Thanksgiving without Ben. Got up just before 7:00 am and put my turkey breast in my crock pot then got dressed and took Hiker for a 1.5 mile walk. I cried for the entire walk thinking about Ben not being here. I told myself to try to think if I had anything to be thankful for this year. I thought of a few things. First I'm so thankful for Hiker. I do not know what I would do without her. I am thankful for my brothers, my nieces and nephews, and for my friend Linda. Plus my girlfriends from work and my online friends. And I am really thankful that Ben never had to watch me die and go through the pain and anguish of losing me. He never had to feel the grief and the loneliness. Those are the things I am thankful for today. I put Hiker in the car around 8:30 and went to get my Lotto Tickets and then over to the post office to mail my car insurance out. Found out that besides the “Twilight Zone” Marathon that there was also a “Bones” Marathon, so I was going back and forth between the two all day. Decided to run over to the grocery store and pick up a few pieces of fresh fruit and some ice cream. Went to Ralphs. It actually was not very crowded for being Thanksgiving. I took Hiker with me. She is getting to really be a good girl riding in the car now. One of my online friends suggested the other day that I bundle up in Ben's zippered sweat shirt, you know the one that I said I finally hung up in the closet that had been on the back of the chair since the last time he placed it there? Well it is chilly in the house today, so I am wearing that sweat shirt right now. It's kind of having Ben's arms wrapped around me. Hiker wants to eat even though I keep telling her she has another hour or so to wait until the turkey is done. So far, I have made it through this day with only one crying session I'd say that's pretty good. I will admit that I have felt the loneliness and the emptiness of not having Ben here, but actually, he's always here in this house watching over me

Hiker & Me - Thanksgiving 2011 - taken with my laptop webcam

Beautiful Fall Day In SoCal

2011-11-23T15:43:00.001-08:00

Finally some good news (I think). I still had not heard from anyone at Kaiser about my dispute about the $2000 bill I kept getting from the other hospital for when Ben was in their ICU the first 2 weeks. I called Kaiser again just before 5:00 pm yesterday afternoon and the woman I have been dealing with still was not at work so I asked to speak to someone else. A really nice woman came on the line and said she could help me. She found a letter that was supposedly mailed to me on November 17th (which I never got), telling me that Kaiser had decided, after reviewing my complaint, that I was not liable for the $2000 bill from the other hospital and that they will pay it. She ended up emailing me a PDF of the letter for my records and for my attorney. That is such a load of my mind. Keith is going to have to fight with Hiker for the ottoman bed. While I was watching TV last night before I went to bed, I noticed she was not in the living room. Went looking for her and she was asleep on the ottoman. Got up this morning, made breakfast and then headed over to Wal-Mart to grab some things I had run out of. Wanted to get there early before the last-minute Thanksgiving shoppers invaded the store. Came home and put that stuff away and I called the Kaiser Pharmacy to see what their hours were as I had ordered my blood pressure meds online the other day. Got a recording saying they were closed for the holiday. I thought “that cannot be right”, so I put Hiker in the car and headed over to the Kaiser building. The Pharmacy was open and there was only a couple of other people there. They are usually crowded. Got my meds then on the way home, stopped at the Southfork Trail to take Hiker for a 2 mile walk. She had been lying in the back seat looking so sad because she had not gone for her morning walk, so when I got her out of the car and said the word “walk”, she got all excited. She was so happy and she just “strutted” along the trail. Well it's a good thing I called Kaiser again yesterday and asked for someone else to help be because the woman I was originally dealing with STILL never called me back and I STILL did not get the letter in the snail mail that they emailed to me yesterday. We have cluster mail boxes here and our mail carrier is very bad about putting mail in the wrong boxes. I always try to make sure if I get a neighbor's mail that I take it to them, but I'm thinking someone on the street got my letter and just tossed it in the trash. They mailed it to me on November 17 and it should not take 6 days to get to me. At most it might have taken 2 to 3 days. Just took Hiker for another short 1 mile walk. When we got home I took her out in the back yard and played ball with her for awhile and she finally got tired and laid down on the lawn.

The Ottoman Bed

2011-11-22T16:22:00.001-08:00

Hiker is having a fit because I have not taken her out for her morning walk. I am waiting to hear from the furniture store about when they will be delivering the ottoman bed I bought yesterday. I probably won't be able to go to my grief group this morning either. Hiker is so eager that she is running all over the house with her “blue toy” in her mouth, shaking her head and barking. I keep telling Hiker that as soon as I know when they are coming or right after they get here, that I will take her for a walk. Then she takes off running around again. Yesterday Linda and I were talking about what I might do with Ben's stripped polo shirts. Originally I was going to give them to charity, but then I had so many friends suggest making a quilt with them. I have no idea how to make a quilt , but Linda does, but instead, she suggested that we make a throw pillow for the sofa with his shirts instead of a quilt. She said that way I can hug it anytime I feel like it, which sounded like a great idea to me. She is going to be with her family for the holidays, but she said after she gets back, she will help me to make the “memory pillow”. It was cold when we got up this morning...around 30° and there was ice all over everyone's roofs. Got my master bathroom cleaned while I was waiting to hear from the furniture store. I still had not heard from the furniture store by 10:30 so I called them and they told me that my delivery was scheduled between 11:30 and 1:30, so I took Hiker out for a very short walk. But she was totally satisfied because she was able to get out and roam around a little. I promised her that I'd take her for a longer walk later today. The guys delivered the ottoman bed around 12:45. I had to find a throw to put on it right away as Hiker immediately got up on it to look out the window and I do not want her to tear the faux leather with her sharp claws. Linda came by because she wanted to see the ottoman bed now that it is in my office. She took a video of me displaying how it opens and closes. Since Linda is leaving for Arizona tomorrow to be with her family for Thanksgiving, she stayed and visited for awhile and we took Hiker for a 2 mile walk this afternoon.

Here is a video on how the bed works

So Much To Do...Will It Ever Be All Done?

2011-11-21T15:42:00.001-08:00

Every since I had that strange experience when I thought I heard Ben call “Hey You” from the other room the other night, I have not seen or heard the commercial or whatever the “Hey You” was from. I'm beginning to wonder if I imagined the entire thing because the more I think about it, what kind of commercial would someone say “Hey You”? Turned on “California's Gold” on public TV last night and wouldn't you know that Huell Howser went to “The Trees Of Mystery” which was one of the places that Ben and I always visited when we'd go up to our favorite part of California. I had to change the station because seeing one of our favorite places on TV was making me feel so sad. I took Hiker out for her morning walk a little after 7:00 am. We did 1 1/2 miles then came home and I made breakfast. Linda came by at 9:30, we put Hiker in the garage with her crate and we went looking for a bed chair. We first went to Easy Life Furniture but they only had full and queen size sleepers, so we headed down to Consumer Furniture. The did not have the chair beds but they had this really cool ottoman bed. Linda nor I either one had ever heard of this type of folding bed, but it was really cool. The original price on it was $589 but it was on holiday sale for $389. The woman who was showing it to us told me that she would let me have it for $350 and that they normally charge $100 for delivery but that she would only charge me $50 for delivery and that she would not charge me any sales tax. I told her I had a few more places to look so Linda and I head over to the mall and checked out the chair beds at JC Penney. They were $899 and Linda and I got to talking about how the chair would block my entire bay window whereas the ottoman would not block anything, plus no one ever really goes into my “office” to sit in a big chair and chill. The ottoman suited my needs more than a chair bed. We headed back to Consumer's and I bought the ottoman bed and they will delivery it sometime tomorrow, which means I won't be able to go to my grief group, but that's OK. Linda and I went to a new Mexican cafe here in town for lunch. The food was OK but I've had better. There were a lot of people there having lunch though. I still had not heard anything back from Kaiser about their review of November 9th on the bill I keep receiving from Henry Mayo Hospital for when Ben was in their ICU. I had called the woman who is handling my case with Kaiser a couple of times but had not heard back from her, so I called her number again and once again, I got her voice mail, so I left her another message and this time, I also called their main complaint office and left a voice message there. While Linda and I were out, I got a message on my answering machine from another woman at Kaiser. She wanted me to know that they got my voice message and she said the woman handling my case was off from work today, but that she will make certain that the woman will call me tomorrow. I also finally got some paperwork from the main office of the community where I live about taking Ben off of my land lease and transferring it over to my name only, but I'm going to have to get with my attorney to work on it because it all looks very confusing to me. I emailed my attorney's office to get an appointment with them asap which won't be until next week. Took Hiker for a second 1 1/2 mile walk this afternoon. That dog just loves to walk. She is now all curled up on the sofa next to me sleeping.

Here are a couple of photos of the ottoman bed

Hiker's Big Day

2011-11-20T15:48:00.001-08:00

Hiker has been waking me up around 4:30 am every morning and I keep thinking that she needs to go potty. So we do the routine of me getting up, going to the sliding door, unlocking everything and opening the door, only to have her sit there and stare at me like “what”? Then she turns around, heads back for the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and goes to sleep. What the heck is that all about? Because of this, I've been going to bed a lot earlier and going to sleep very quickly. Took her for a 1 mile walk this morning. I had heard on the morning news that it was raining hard over in Oxnard and Ventura and that it was headed this way, so I figured we'd better get a quick walk in before it got here. It started raining around 11:15. I took a baby step today. The afternoon before Ben went into the hospital for his emergency surgery, he was wearing his zip up Adidas sweat shirt. He wore it all the time. He had taken it off and laid it across the back of his easy chair and when we headed for the hospital, he did not pick it up to put it on so there it stayed. I had not moved that sweat shirt since that day (Feb. 28, 2011). Several times I would put my hand on it or I'd bend down to smell it, but it stayed there all that time. This morning I decided it was time to hang it back in the entry closet. Don't know how long it will stay there until I decide to give it to charity or whatever, but I felt it was time. Today was Hiker's "graduation" from her training classes, at which in my opinion, she failed. Actually they don't really give you much for the money, just tell you the basics and then we are supposed to come home and work with the dog. But when the dog is as stubborn and independent as Hiker, you don't get very far with the lessons. Hiker is not stupid. She knows how to do things and she knows when she has done something bad, but she just does not want to do what I tell her to most of the time. Probably my fault that I'm not more forceful with her, but then she gets scared and cowers like I'm going to hit her and when she get scared, she also pees. Anyway, each dog at the graduation had to do a certain “final exam”. We were given the task by the trainer. We didn't know what it was going to be. Hiker had to “sit and stay” for 30 seconds. I thought “oh no....she doesn't do this one all that well”, but she passed with flying colors! Sure surprised me. The trainer was trying to “pressure” all of us into signing up for the Intermediate Training Class which starts December 10th. She kept telling us that we got $10 off the total price, but all of us told her we'd have to let her know. I don't intend on signing her up for another class because I don't feel it's worth the money. If I ever really wanted to get her totally trained, I think I'd hire a professional trainer to do it for me.

Carpets & Crying

2011-11-19T15:14:00.001-08:00

For some reason I was extremely sleepy last night.Hiker and I went to bed around 8:30 pm. She woke me up around 4:30 am to gooutside and pee. Got up around 7:00 and it was very cloudy and gray outside.Looked like it could rain at any moment, so I put her leash on her and headedout for a short walk and hurried back in case the rain started. She doesn'tcare if her walks are short or long, just as long as she gets out for awhile. Iwas “attacked” by a crying jag while out walking this morning. Good thing I wasnot on the main trail where other people could see me because this was a“sobbing” one. Came back home and made breakfast and then got to work. Since Iam going to try to get the chair bed soon, I wanted to shampoo the carpet inthe computer room where the chair will be. Also shampooed the carpet in thehallway and the dining area. I used to shampoo the carpet in the entire houseyears ago but decided this time, I'll do it a few rooms and areas at a time. Noneed to hurry anymore. Hiker didn't know what to think of the shampooer. Shealready does not like the vacuum. Well, I guess I was wrong about saying that Ididn't think I was crying as much anymore for Ben because I had a huge “meltdown” today. Poor Hiker didn't know what to think, she was all over me tryingto get me to play with her. I do know though that these major crying jags donot come as often as they once did. I had to yell at Hiker for digging again. Idon't hit her. She has pretty much finally gotten the idea about going pottyoutside, but I'm still having trouble with her digging. I have tried buryingsome of her poop in the holes she digs and that detours her from those oldholes, but then she starts new holes. I've looked online of things to do to tryto get her to stop digging, but none of them seem to be working. She does notdig to bury things, she digs to look for worms to eat. Took Hiker out for asecond walk this afternoon and we did 1.5 miles. She and I went out in the yardwhen we got back and I chased her around for awhile. I like to try to get herworn out so she will sleep through the night. Ben thinking about trying to makea lemon/butter sauce for some baked tilapia tonight for dinner. I've been lookingat some recipes online for the sauce.

It Was A Cloudy A Cold Afternoon.....

2011-11-18T15:40:00.001-08:00

Got up around the normal time this morning, fed Hiker put her out for potty and then put a load of laundry into the washer. Hiker wanted to go for a walk right away, but I made her wait until after I put the laundry into the dryer. I drove us over to Central Park in Saugus, CA and we did a 1.8 mile walk around the park. There is a dog park there, so there are always a lot of dogs. I won't let her play in the dog park because I'm afraid to let her off leash except in her own backyard. I had one guy ask me if she had some Doberman in her because he said her head and face looked like a Doberman. Came back home and made a quick trip to the bank to cash a check and get a little cash. Almost had some tears while I was out walking, but was actually able to restrain them. I've noticed that sometimes I now just get a little moisture in my eyes instead of actually crying. I still do get hit now and then with one of those sobbing attacks, but they are fewer and farther between now. I put together a meatloaf to cook for dinner tonight. Ben used to love my meatloaf and I have not made one since he went into the hospital last February. I have just not been able to bring myself to make one until now, plus it's been so long since I've been hungry enough or “sane” enough to actually plan any “real” meals. I'm hoping that one of these days I'll be able to plan weekly meals every Sunday like Ben and I used to do so that I will always know what I'm going to have for dinner. It started getting cloudy and breezy around noon. They are saying that we might get some more rain this weekend and they are saying we may get rain on Thanksgiving Day. My gardener came a day early to mow the lawn. He said he was off from his regular job so he thought he'd get some of the yards done today before the rain comes. I spoke with him about thinning out my shade tree in the backyard. It's getting really thick and I'm afraid a big wind might blow it over. Then I talked with Linda on the phone. She was over at Wal-Mart looking for a new computer router and was asking my advice on which one to get.

The Weather Was Beautiful Today

2011-11-17T15:52:00.001-08:00

A strange thing happened last night. When Ben was alive and if I was in one room and he was in another and he wanted to tell me something, he would say "Hey You". Well I was in my computer room around 6:45 last night. The TV in the living room was on and a commercial came on and on the commercial a man's voice said "Hey You". It sounded just like Ben's voice and I almost said "What" in reply. Caught myself just before I spoke out. Gave me a very strange feeling. I had never seen or heard that commercial before. Hiker and I were both exhausted from our vigorous hike yesterday so we went to bed around 9:00 pm. She woke me up at 4:30 am to go potty. Hate getting up that early to let her out, but at least she is no letting me know she has to go outside. We went back to sleep after she came back in. Got up around 6:45 and fed Hiker and then made my breakfast. I needed to head over to Wal-Mart for some groceries. Took Hiker with me in her crate in the back of the 4Runner. While at Wal-Mart, I had to do everything I could to hold my tears back because of the Christmas music they were playing in the store. Plus seeing all of the holiday displays and foods. I was able to keep any tears from flowing, but I rushed through the store so I could get out of there asap. I used to love to go to Wal-Mart and other stores at Christmas time to see all of the decorations. Now I hate it. I did decide to buy a boneless turkey breast to cook in the crock pot for me and Hiker for Thanksgiving. I had not planned on doing anything for Thanksgiving dinner, but saw the turkeys and thought it would give me and Hiker several meals. I took Hiker for a 1.7 mile walk after we got home and then after our walk she wanted me to come out into the yard and play ball with her. Trouble is, when she “plays” ball, it means she wants me to chase her around the yard and try to the get ball away from her. I do not know where she gets all of her energy. Took her for another 1 mile walk in the dry riverbed this afternoon. She was in a very cuddly mood all day. Kept wanting me to play with her. Finally settled down on the sofa next to me and went to sleep.

We Went On A Wonderful Hike Today

2011-11-16T16:11:00.001-08:00

Hiker woke me up around 4:30 am acting like she wanted to go outside, but when I went to the door, she didn't want to go out, so I made her go back to bed. She kept wanting to play, but I finally got her to settle down and go back to sleep for awhile. We got up around 6:30 and got ready for the hike we were going on today with our friend Linda. Linda got here around 8:00 and we headed over to Altadena, CA to a place called Eaton Canyon. We had never hiked there before so we were looking forward to it. The traffic on the freeway was crazy this morning. It usually is not backed up on the 210, but it was today. We got over to Eaton Canyon and Linda went into the Nature Center to get a trail map while I waited outside with Hiker. We started off on the trail and there were a lot of people there today. There was even a group of hiking seniors. We were told that the waterfall we wanted to hike to was about 1 1/2 miles into the canyon. The first mile of the trail was wide open and went through a few oak groves. We missed the turn off to the waterfall at first, but then went back and found it. The trail narrowed and headed under a bridge and then up into a canyon alongside a fast running creek, which we had to cross several times. Hiker got her belly very wet, but I could tell she was loving it. When we reached the 40 foot waterfall, we were very tired, but the vigorous hike was well worth it as the falls were beautiful. We rested awhile and then headed back downstream and back out onto the wide trail and to the parking lot. We headed home, but stopped in La Crescenta at a Subway Sandwich Shop for lunch. Hiker was stretched out in the back seat of Linda's car, sound asleep. The hike had worn her out. When we got home, I immediately got into the shower with Hiker and cleaned all of the mud off her. She doesn't care too much for showers, but she love it once she gets out and gets dried off with the towel. I don't think I'd ever seen her as happy as she was out on that trail this morning. She was really enjoying herself. I certainly gave her the perfect name. She is not stretched out, sound asleep on the sofa next to me. She should sleep good tonight. My body is starting to ache, so I'm pretty pooped too. LOL.

Is There Still Such A Thing As Good Customer Service?

2011-11-15T15:58:00.001-08:00

Hiker woke me up around 5:30 am wanting to play this morning. I thought she wanted to go potty, but she never went to the door. She did however run down to the room where Keith sleeps when he visits to look for him, but naturally, he was not there. Hiker was upset because I did not take her for a walk this morning. I never take her for an early morning walk on the day I have to go to my grief group at the senior center. I don't want to get all sweaty before I go over there. Hiker is not going to like the fact that I am going to leave her in the garage again this morning while I'm away. It was all cloudy and gloomy when we got up. We are having “strange” weather for SoCal. We are usually pretty sunny this time of year. We've already had more rain so far this year than we usually have this time of year. Before I left for my group I called the guy at the bank as he asked me to do to remind him to order my new checks. I got his voice mail, so I left a message. When I got home, there was no message from him so I tried to call him again and finally got him and at first he did not remember who I was. When I explained to him why I was calling, he remembered and told me he'd look into it and call me back in a few minutes. He never called me back. Great customer service. I had lunch and then had to run over to the market to get some milk and when I got back, I took Hiker for a short 1 mile walk. When we got back home, I worked with her on her “come” training. She did really well in the backyard, but then when I called her to come into the house, she ignored me. She only does it when SHE wants to do it. She is so stubborn.

A Busy Monday

2011-11-14T15:42:00.001-08:00

Hiker slept good again last night. I guess running her around until she is “pooped” is what does it (LOL). She woke me up around 6:00 am wanting her breakfast though, but that's better than at 5:00 like she was doing. It was a busy day. After I made breakfast for myself and my brother Keith, he and I went over to the Social Security Office so I could apply for my SS benefits after my 62nd birthday in January and also I changed my direct deposit information for Ben's SS that I am receiving now and for when I start receiving my benefits next year. We were gone for about 1 1/2 hours which wasn't too bad I guess considering that we got there just before 9:00 am when they open and there were about 5 people in front of me. Of course I won't start getting mine until March but at least it is all taken care of now. When we got home, we took Hiker for a 2 mile walk. We had to leave her in the garage while we were at SS and had promised her we'd walk her once we got home so we did. I had to do some emails about my direct deposits and bank account changes with my investment adviser and with my attorney, then Keith and I went over to Sam's Club and had lunch and then did a little shopping. I got Keith a complimentary “family” members card on my account since Ben does not need a card anymore. Temperatures got up into the low 70's today and it was really nice outside. Keith left to go home around 1:15 pm and as soon as he left, I felt lonely even though I have Hiker with me. I'm still waiting to hear back from the main office of my community about taking Ben's name off of my land lease and putting it in my name only and I'm also still waiting to hear back from Kaiser about their decision on whether or not they are going to pay the $2000 to Henry Mayo Newhall Hospital that I keep getting billed for. I have received 3 statements from Henry Mayo so far and I'm afraid if something isn't done soon that they will send it to collections. Kaiser had told me they would contact Henry Mayo and tell them that they were reviewing this bill however, I do NOT trust Kaiser for much of anything anymore. I called both Kaiser and Henry Mayo Hospital today and once again got voice mail for both of them and had to leave a message. I received a call back from Henry Mayo and they said Kaiser had NOT contacted them to tell them that they are reviewing this bill, that figures. But Henry Mayo also told me they have sent me 2 statements when in reality I have received 3 from them, but the woman who called insisted they had ONLY sent out 2. She told me all that she can do is to put a note on the bill saying that I called and told her that Kaiser is reviewing this bill but that she cannot put a hold on it. Hopefully, I'll hear from Kaiser soon so I know what their review results were.

Hike, Class and Then Relax

2011-11-13T16:15:00.001-08:00

Keith was supposed to stay until Tuesday afternoon, but he has to go home Monday because they are doing “Scrooge” at his church for Christmas and he is playing Bob Cratchit so he has to rehearse Monday evening. After Hiker woke me up to give her her breakfast around 6:30 am, we waited for Keith to get up and the 3 of use went for a hike at O'Melveny Park at Bee Canyon in Granada Hills. I had never hiked this area before so it was new to us. It was about 47° when we left the house, but it was a beautiful morning out and about. After we got home we had some waffles for breakfast and then went over to Smart & Final to pick up a few things I needed. We also sat out on the patio with Hiker for awhile. We played ball with her but she is reluctant to give up the ball so we can throw it. She wants us to chase her and that wears these two “old” folks out. Took Hiker to her class at PetSmart today. I was not very proud of her today because she would not do anything she was told. Usually she is the dog that catches on the fastest in class but today, she was just terrible. She would not listen to me, she kept hiding between my feet and hiding behind the seats in the room. Don't know if it's because she got tired from her hike this morning or if it was because we got her all crazy because we had been playing ball with her in the backyard before we went, but whatever it was, she “failed” today's class as far as I'm concerned. Next week is her “graduation” and then they are wanting us to sign up for the “Intermediate Training Class” but I do not have another $99 to spend on another class for her when she hasn't even learned what she was supposed to learn in the Beginner's Class. I guess I need to work with her more at home and be more aggressive with her. Thinking about heading over to the Social Security Office tomorrow morning. I have to change from getting Ben's SS to getting my SS in January, so I should start the process now plus I need to change my direct deposit account number with them before my next check comes.

Gray Sky Saturday

2011-11-12T16:42:00.001-08:00

Woke up around 1:30 am to the sound of pouring rain and then Hiker decided she needed to go out into it and go potty. But at least I'm glad that she is now letting me know when she needs to go outside. After she came back in, she did not want to settle down. She kept wanting me to feed her or play with her. I finally got her to settle down for a little while, but she was back at it around 6:30 am. The rain had stopped so I finally got up, fed her and took her for a short 1 mile walk. Keith showed up at my door a little before 11:00 am. We went over to my bank to have Ben's name removed from my 2 joint accounts with him and let me tell you, it is not an easy process anymore. I remember when my dad died, I took my mom to her bank and they just took him off the accounts and put everything in her name with me as a secondary on the accounts, but now they have to delete the accounts and set up all new accounts. I did have to leave my joint checking account with him open until I can get my direct deposits changed to the new account plus they have to order some new checks for me at the bank. Then we went to lunch and Weinerschnitzel and then over to Sam's Club so I could get Keith a complimentary member's card on my account. We also stopped by Ashley Furniture to look at the chair and a half twin beds but they only have one right now that they are selling and it was $800.00. I've seen them cheaper elsewhere. We took Hiker for another walk. This time we did 2 miles. Hopefully it made her tired and she will sleep through the night. Just put a ham and some scalloped potatoes in the oven for dinner.

A Mostly Gloomy Day But At Least I Got A Good Deal At Kohl's

2011-11-11T15:55:00.001-08:00

I hope that I'm not saying this too soon but I think that Hiker is finally catching on to asking to go outside to go potty. Last night she barked at the sliding door and I let her out and she peed and this morning she woke me up and went to the sliding door and I let her out and she went pee and poop. I had a strange dream last night. I don't remember any of it, but I remember it being really weird and I woke up feeling weird. I must say that one thing having Hiker has really helped me with is my sleep. I no longer go to bed around 10:00 pm and not going to sleep until around 2:00 am. I now fall asleep on the sofa around 9:30 or so and go to bed, go right to sleep and don't wake up until Hiker wakes me up around 6:00 am. Went over to Kohl's and got a long-sleeved, ribbed t-shirt with my free $10 gift card. The shirt was on sale for $13.99 so it cost me just under $5 with tax. I was cloudy all day. Looked like it could rain at anytime. They say we might get some rain tonight but not as much as they thought was coming. Took Hiker on her second walk and it was sunny at first but then got gloomy. I am really looking forward to Keith coming up from Orange, CA for a few days. He'll be here tomorrow morning sometime. It will be nice to have someone here to have conversation with.

THANK YOU

2011-11-11T10:25:00.001-08:00

The Week-end Is Near

2011-11-10T16:04:00.001-08:00

I was waiting for my handyman (Daniel) to show up yesterday afternoon after he got off work from his regular job. I thought maybe he had forgotten that I asked him to come by when I ran into him the other day, but he and one of his guys showed up around 4:30 pm. The sun was already going down and I needed him to go up on the roof to check around my chimney. I have not used my fireplace in a long time, but I've noticed that when it rains that I hear a dripping sound on the fire box so I figured there must be a leak around the pipe chimney. Sure enough, he said there was some cracks around the flashing and some of the shingles had come loose, so he used roof cement to fix the cracks and to glue the shingles down. Thank goodness Ben and I found him about 2 years ago. He is really good and very honest. I asked him to walk around the roof and let me know how long he thought the roof would last me since it is about 20 years old. He said that he thought I probably have another 5 to 7 years on it. I trust him, so I believe him. Thank goodness he didn't say I needed a new roof soon. Maybe I can start putting some money away now and in 5 to 7 years, I'll have enough to get a new roof. I can have the crew here in our community do it. They won't charge as much as a regular roofing company. I also asked him about a broken lock on my dining room window and about that broke handle on my shower door. He said he'll get the parts and come back and fix them for me. This morning while out with Hiker for her walk, I felt that huge empty feeling in my chest where my heart used to be. That gnawing ache that hits you no matter where you are or who you are with. The one that makes you feel so empty and so lonely and causes the memories and tears to come. Then it sneaks away and hides, waiting to attack you again when least expected. Those of you who have lost your spouse know exactly what I am talking about. Went to Sam's Club and spent $112. Grocery prices keep going up. I did by some big items though. I still stock up on things like toilet paper, paper towels, etc. even though Ben is no longer here. It's cheaper for me to buy that kind of stuff in bulk because it does not go bad and it keeps me from having to go shopping more often. Around noon, it started getting very cloudy. They are saying we have a chance of rain this weekend. That will make my brother Keith happy because he loves stormy weather and he will be visit me for a few days starting Saturday. I sold my bicycle to a very nice Japanese lady today through Craig's List. She told me her husband just turned 65 and she was not able to afford a nice gift for him but saw my ad for the bicycle and she said it looked nice in the photo. Her husband still works and lives 2 miles from home so she wanted to give him the bicycle to ride to work. She said he needs the exercise. I'm glad it went to someone who will use it because I have not used it in over a year. I also threw in a bicycle helmet that I had at no extra cost because she was so thrilled about the bike and she was so nice. I called my dear friend Mary Lou Voils who lives in Virginia this afternoon. She said that it is very cold and rainy back there. It was good to talk to her. She and I have been friends for over 40 years and we never get to see each other since she moved to the east coast.