Monday, November 28, 2011
Another Day, Another Post
Why is it that Sunday evenings feel so lonely for me? Didn't cry last evening, but felt so sad. I took another “baby step” before I went to bed. The plastic bag with Ben's clothes from the hospital was still on the floor where I left it the night he went into the hospital back in February. I finally picked it up and took his clothes out of it. Some days I wake up in the morning and think "I can do this. I can face this world alone". But other days I wake up and think I can't. And then there are the days I wake up and think "OK, I'm done with the grieving. It's time for it to stop and go away" as if I'm in control (LOL). I just wish everything could go back to the way it used to be, but we all know that will never happen because Ben is gone forever. Hiker and I went for our morning walk. Today the weather in the morning was not as pretty as yesterday. Today was a bit cloudy. Didn't have any plans for today, so decided to go out this morning and trim my rose bushes. Took Hiker out with me and tied her up so she could not run free, but gave her enough rope that she could roam around the yard. I don't trust her loose out in the front yard but I do let her run loose in the back yard. I keep thinking I should start going through things and toss whatever I can. I could start in one room and finish it all up and then go to the next room, but I just cannot get into the mood to do it. There are all kinds of papers and junk that I could get rid of, but I hate to get rid of anything that was Ben's or his and mine together. I would feel like I was tossing him away. I wish I could get myself to start cleaning up around here. Maybe when the new year gets here, I'll feel more like doing it. Got another free $10 gift card from Kohl's in the mail today. That's about my 10th one this year. Took Hiker out for another shorter walk this afternoon. I got a phone call from my brother Ron and while I was talking to him, Hiker was jumping all over me, chewing on my foot and barking at herself in the mirror. She really needed to burn off some energy. Sometimes she won't calm down until I take her for a walk.
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I remember thinking "I just want my life back", but as you know, sadly, that is not going to happen. You seem to be doing good, making some changes, a little at a time.
ReplyDeleteIt must be so hard for you but you are certainly trying to get on top of it. Bit by bit you will get into a routine not as before but a different one. Hiker needs routine too.
ReplyDeleteKeep on taking those 'baby steps,' and before you know it, your life will take on fresh direction. It won't be any dramatic change, but change. It's hard loosing a loved one. Don't feel bad about cleaning out the closets, papers, etc. Life does go on, just differently. Keep busy. You are Not alone. Put up some Christmas sparkle, Ben would want you to go on enjoying what you enjoyed together.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful Christmas.
I love that your dog's name is Hiker...he will help keep you busy and full of ' happy feet.'
BlessYourJourneyHeart
I just came across your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my dad 12 years ago when I was 6 years old. I know how hard that must be for you!! I'm sure you feel alone in the world and your best friend is gone. But one person is always there for you- God. He has a reason why you are going through all of this. I am so sorry for your loss- I'm sure it must be a difficult time for you. I will be praying for you :)
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