A Milestone In My Widowhood

I've been crying a lot more again lately. Don't know if it's because Christmas is coming or if it's because today it's been 6 months since Ben passed away. 6 months is a major milestone. I cannot believe how fast time goes by when you live your life in a constant daze. Most of the time I don't know what day it is or what time it is. Thank goodness for calendars and clocks. The wound of losing Ben seems to be more open and more raw at this time than it was 6 months ago. I'm still struggling so hard with my faith, or I should say, my lack of faith. I lost my faith 6 months ago on the day Ben died. I'm sure this has a lot to do with why I do not want to even acknowledge Christmas this year. As a kid, I believed in God, Heaven and life-after-death. Now I question their existence. I tend to believe now that the only “life-after-death” that exists is the memory of Ben's life I keep alive in my heart. If there was no one on earth to remember a person who passes away and keep their memory alive, there would be no so-called “life-after-death”. It was 30° this morning when Hiker woke me up to go potty. Decided not to take her for her morning walk until it got warmer because yesterday when we went out, even though I had on a coat and gloves, it was freezing. This SoCal “girl” is NOT used to it being so cold. After lunch, I took Hiker over to PetSmart and bought her a Martha Stewart Doggie Quilt Coat for when she and I go out on our cold walks. Every year I make calendars for my friend Judy with her grandchildren on them. She gave me a check for them when I saw her awhile back so I finally got around to cashing that check and decided to spend some of it on Hiker, so that's what I paid for her coat with. I took her out in it this afternoon just to see how she'd react to it. She was a little upset about it at first, but I think she got more used to it as we walked. She did keep trying to shake it off her body though, like when dogs shake water off. While we were out for our short afternoon walk, it was drizzling some which is strange because they did not mention any rain, just more wind. It is getting dark and cloudy, so I don't know what's going on.