Took Hiker To "School" Today

Took Hiker out for her walk this morning. She still will not go potty while out walking. She “uncovered” a cottontail rabbit while in the park. She didn't chase it, she just watched it run. When we got home, I put her out in the backyard and she went potty. She has had about 3 or 4 accidents in the house. She doesn't go to the door to ask to be let out. I hope this doesn't keep happening. I was going through some papers in a drawer this morning and came across Ben's and my “weekly menu sheets”. Every Sunday, we would fill out a “menu sheet” for the entire week to know what we'd be making for lunch and dinner. We always did it together. I started to cry when I saw them and I realized today was Sunday. Hiker was all over me, licking and yapping at me. She didn't like that I was crying. I decided it was time to go through my earthquake kit that Ben and I have always kept in the garage. I ran the generator for about 10 minutes to make sure it still works and I changed out all of the water, checked the dates on the canned food, checked out all of the flashlights, etc. Ben and I used to do this every 3 months. I don't think any of it had been done for almost a year because it was this time last year the Ben had his eye surgery and we just didn't do it. Took Hiker to her first training class this afternoon. It turned out that she and I were the only ones that showed up today, so we got a “private” lesson. We worked on her “sit command” and her “watch me” command. We are teaching her by using the word “yes”. I was given the choice of a word or a “clicker” and I said “let's use a word”. The shelter had told me to buy her a choke chain when I took her home, but the trainer today told me not to use the choke chain on her unless she was not walking properly with her regular collar. I've never had a problem with her walking, so I guess I bought the choke chain when I didn't need to. The trainer also told me to NOT leave a full bowl of water around for her all of the time. She said that is why she is having to go wee wee so much and probably why she is doing it in the house now and then. She said that an indoor dog only needs water in the morning when they get up, when they eat and after a walk or exercise. The trainer asked me if she barks a lot. I said no, but that she does if she hears a noise she doesn't recognize or if she see someone outside. The trainer said that is good and for me not to tell her no when she does bark because Hiker is protecting me. After class I took Hiker for a 1 mile walk. I had asked the trainer why Hiker didn't go potty when she was out on a walk and the trainer told me that some dogs just feel more comfortable going in their own domain. Need to get Hiker's dinner for her so I need to send this out.

Sunny Saturday

Got into the shower last night and had a little bit of a crying episode. This time however, it didn't seem to last as long and I did not sob like I have before. When I got out of the shower, there was Hiker on the bed looking at me with those big brown eyes of hers. I really think she is going to help me through this “widow thing”. She has totally taken over Ben's easy chair. I had planned on moving it out to the patio, but now that she loves to lay in it so much, I may have to just leave it right where it is. Took Hiker on a walk this morning. For some reason she does not want to go potty while out on a walk. She sniffs everything but just won't do “her thing”. She seems to prefer to do it all in her own yard. I still had not had any mail delivery so I went over to the post office this morning and asked them to check to see if they were still holding my mail even though I had stopped by there last Wednesday and picked up the mail the were holding and asked them to resume my delivery. I was correct, the person who helped me that day did not “put me back into the system”, so they were still holding everything. They told me they have now put me back into the system and that my delivery will resume Monday. Hiker is proving to be a good guard dog. She won't let me out of her sight and she barks when she hears a noise outside or sees someone walk by. She was barking at the gardener today. I hate to tell her not to bark because I do want her to protect me. I took Hiker over to Placerita Canyon to just see how she'd do on the trail. I didn't go very far because it was hot. She seemed to do OK though. The pull handle on my master bath shower broke. I went over to Home Depot to see if they had a new handle but they told me they do not carry “shower door parts”....only complete shower doors. It had screws on one side that went into some kind of “rivet” thing. The “rivet” thing was the part that broke, so I had to “Mickey Mouse” it by putting some screws through it with washers and nuts. I could only fix the outside handle to pull the door open, so now there is no “push” handle on the inside. I'll just have to push the whole door. If it doesn't work very well, I'll have to get hold of my handyman to put a whole new door on or something. When I was eating lunch, something touched off a few tears for Ben. Hiker was sitting next to me and she looked at me and tilted her head like she was trying to understand why I was crying. Good dog.

Now It's Just Me & Hiker

Now It's Just Me & Hiker

The first night with Hiker went pretty good. We took her for a 1.5 mile walk after dinner to try to get her to go potty but she didn't so took her out on the patio around 8:00 pm and she finally went potty. I brought her tent crate into my bedroom for her to sleep in. She stayed in it half the night, but spent the other half on the bed with me. Let her out into the yard around 7:00 am and she went potty. We took her for another walk this morning...2 miles this time. Linda came by at 11:00 am to meet Hiker and then she, Keith and I went to lunch. Now everyone is gone except for me and Hiker. I'm a little lonely, but it doesn't seem as bad since I have Hiker here with me. I think I'm going to have to go over to the post office tomorrow morning. I had my mail held while I was at my brother's. I picked it up the afternoon Keith and I got back into Santa Clarita and the postal worker asked me if I wanted to resume my mail delivery and I said yes, but I did not see him pull the hold card out of the box. I have not gotten any mail for 2 days which is very unusual for me, so I think he forgot to take the card out and they are still holding my mail. I went over to Sam's Club to renew my membership and had them take Ben off of the account. Hiker is really good when I have to leave her in the garage. I have an A/C out there for her and she just crawls into her tent crate and goes to sleep.

Photo My Friend Took

Here is a photo that my friend Linda took of me with Hiker this afternoon.

Hiker's First Day With Me

Keith was so tired last night for some reason. I should have been the one who was tired since I did all of the driving. He and I went out to sit on my patio and listen to the old radio show “Dragnet” on his iPhone. He kept telling me that he could hardly keep his eyes open. He went to bed at 10:00 pm while I went to my room and watched “CSI” on TV. I went to sleep around 11:15 and slept pretty good, even though I woke up a couple of times during the night. Picked up Hiker this morning. Went straight over to Pet Smart to get her some food and toys and to sign up for her training class on Sundays. Start with her this coming Sunday at 1:00 pm. Took her by home and put her in the garage in her “tent” crate and then Keith and I went over to the Animal Control Facility to get her license. When we came back home she was laying inside of her crate being a really good girl, so Keith and I decided to go get some lunch. She seems just fine being alone in the garage for a few hours. We came back and then took her out in my yard to play with her some and I made a short video of her. She is so active. I hope she will settle down tonight and sleep. It got up to about 103° here today.

Hiker's First Video

Back Home and All's Well

We are home from our trip. Got here around 3:00 pm. It is very HOT here...almost 100°. To tell you the truth, I was not looking forward to coming home knowing that Ben would not be here standing on the front porch waiting for me with a big smile and a hug. While driving home, I kept thinking about the fact that he would not be here and every now and then, my eyes would fill up with tears. I know Keith didn't notice the tears. While up at Ron's, I only cried twice while I was in the shower and both times were for only about 5 minutes instead of the normal 20 to 30 minutes I cry here at home. Took me over an hour to put everything away and go through my mail when I got home. Finally got to sit down for a few minutes and check my email. I'll have to fix something for Keith and I to have for dinner soon. He is staying with me until Friday afternoon. I called “New Leash On Life” (the shelter where “Hiker” is) and told them I wanted to pick her up tomorrow, so they are expecting us around 10:00 am. Hope everything works out with her. I hope I will still sleep as well as I did while I was at my brother's but I have the feeling I won't.

Last Day In Paradise, CA

I am still so amazed at how well I've been sleeping while here at my brother's. Last night we were watching TV and I started dozing off in the chair around 9:30 pm. We decided to go to bed at 10:00 and I went right to sleep. Woke up a few times during the night but mostly slept until around 6:30 am. Around 8:30 am, Matt, my oldest nephew (Ron's oldest son), came by and we all took a drive up to Red Bluff, CA. There wasn't really a lot to see there, but none of us had ever been there, so we thought “what the heck”. We did get to walk down to the edge of the Sacramento River. On our way back to Paradise, we stopped in Chico, CA and had lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Later in the day Keith and I took a 1.5 mile walk then when we got back, we all went and picked up some Subway sandwiches for dinner. Tomorrow morning Keith and I will head back out on the road to go back home to SoCal.

Very Rainy Monday

Forgot to mention in yesterday's daily email that when we were leaving the parking lot of Look Out Point, overlooking Butte Canyon that as I was backing the car up I noticed something on the ground that I just had to get out of the car for and go check it out. It was a folded $20 lying in the ground. I'm assuming someone who had been there earlier had it in their pocket and when they pulled their keys out of their pocket, they dropped it. Well that was a nice “added bonus” for my Sunday. I am so surprised at how well I've been sleeping while visiting my brother. I actually fall asleep before midnight. I am still waking up a couple of times during the night and still having dreams (that I do not remember), but at least I am actually getting some quality sleep. It was raining when we got up this morning, so our planned trip up to Mt. Lassen Volcanic National Park was postponed until tomorrow, that is if it is not raining tomorrow. If it is raining, we may have to try to see if there is somewhere else we can go sightseeing. We still drove down to Chico. Went to WalMart, then over to the mall and then over to Big Lots and Best Buy. Headed over to Denny's for lunch. Came back up to Paradise where it continues to rain. I didn't get to take any photographs at all today which bugs me as you all know how much I love taking photographs. Talked with Ron's daughter Darrah on the phone. She lives in northern Nevada, then we watched a movie. Even with the rain it was a pretty good day.

Really Nice Sunday

I was surprised at how well I slept here at my brother's last night. We all went to bed around 11:00 pm. I had an air bed on the living room floor and by around 11:30 I was asleep. I did wake up a couple of times during the night, but went right back to sleep. We got up around 6:30 am and a little after 7:00 we went over to the Black Bear Diner and had breakfast. I had not had a big breakfast like that in ages....two eggs, ham, hash browns and a homemade biscuit. All delicious. We then drove down to Chico, CA and stopped along The Sky Way at Lookout Point to shoot a few pictures. Also went to the Genetic Resource & Conservation Center in Chico. There is a beautiful stream running through the center and a lot of trees from all over the world. Walked almost a mile there. Came back to my brother Ron's apartment. We were still all too full from breakfast, so we did not have lunch. Ron went and picked up his son Jared so he could visit with us some. We sat out on the patio for awhile and I took a great photo of a humming bird out there and also a short video of the hummer. Later in the afternoon, Keith and I went for another 1 mile walk through the cemetery behind Ron's apartment. Going to head over and pick up a couple of Take 'n' Bake pizzas later to bring back to the apartment and put in the oven. Ron's son Matt is also here with us for dinner this evening. Hope you all had a good day. We had planned to take a drive up to Mt. Lassen tomorrow but there is 70% chance of rain in the area, so we will not be going. Hopefully Tuesday will be better.

Here is the video of the hummer:

Long Driving Day

Long drive today. Left home around 7:00 am and got to brother Ron's around 3:00 pm. Great weather all the way. Hope I will be able to sleep here. I always get “keyed up” after a long drive and have trouble going to sleep. Will be going out to dinner in a few minutes. Will try to check out my email later.

Very Active Friday

Keith and I got out early this morning and went for a 2 mile walk in the 40° weather. We also went over to Lombardi Ranch/Pumpkin Patch today before we went to lunch. Beautiful weather here today...in the mid-70's. This afternoon we went for another 2 mile walk. It was beautiful outside.

Today's quote:

“If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.”
~Author Unknown

Thursday With My Brother

So far, last night was the worst I've had for not sleeping. I watched “CSI” and then went to bed at 11:00 pm. Was not at all sleepy so I turned the bedroom TV on. Not much on at that time of night. After midnight I got my laptop and surfed the web for about an hour. Turned off the TV and computer and tried to go to sleep, but nope....still wide awake. Took a sleep aid pill around 2:00 am and the last time I remembered looking at the clock, it read 3:00. Then to make things worse, I jolted awake a little after 5:00 am. Finally went back to sleep and got up a little after 8:00. I noticed while lying there in the darkness that I am now not just thinking about Ben not being in bed next to me, but I am also thinking about how nervous I am about Hiker coming home with me later this month. I know that once I get her home and she and I get to know each other, that things will be fine, but I worry about her getting used to her new home, about me getting her on a regular potty schedule, etc. My brother Keith got here a little after 11:00 today. We went out to lunch and then went by Wal-Mart. I wanted to buy a portable dog crate for when I go to pick up Hiker. Got a nice folding one and a nice mat to put inside for her to lay on. Also bought her a nylachewy bone. They told me that they would give me the collar and leash she is now using and also a little food to incorporate into whatever kind of food I buy her so she will adjust. Sat out on the patio in the afternoon. It started getting very cloudy again. Keith and I went out for a 3 miles walk this afternoon. He wanted to burn off some of the calories we ate when we had pizza for lunch.

Today's quote:
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve”~ Earl Grollman

Rainy Wednesday

After dinner last night, I kept having a feeling that I had not been having for quite awhile...I kept feeling like Ben was going to come home from work and walk through the front door. I have not had that feeling since right after he died. I'm thinking the gloomy weather had something to do with it. I moved his “shrine” from the fireplace hearth into my bedroom on the dresser. I did this because I don't want Hiker to knock any of it over when she comes to live here. When I told my brother Keith that I had moved it, he kidded me by saying “oh good, now I'll be safe when I stay with you”. If you remember, he kept telling me that sleeping in the same room with Ben's ashes freaked him out. Woke up to rain this morning. While sitting on the sofa today, I felt a little chilly but instead of turning on the furnace, I put Ben's zippered sweat shirt on. It's the first time I have moved it from the back of his easy chair where he placed it the last time he took it off. It's big on me but it was like Ben's arms were around me keeping me warm. Good news...I passed the home inspection from the dog rescue shelter so I will pick her up in a little over a week.

Today's quote:
“Those who have suffered understand suffering and therefore extend their hand”~Patti Smith

Not Bad For A Cloudy Tuesday

Went to sleep around 11:15 last night. I'm still having strange dreams (not about Ben though) and then I still wake up several times a night. My guess would be that I'm getting about 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night, but that's better than a few months back when I was either not sleeping at all or only getting about 3 hours of sleep per night. Went to my grief support group today. Went alone as Linda is still sick and DeDee had an appointment. Not very many people showed up for group today. I'm guess it was because of the weather. Even though it is not raining, a lot of people do not like to get out when it might rain. For the first hour, I was the only woman there (except for Judy our therapist), all the men were there though. The second hour, two of the ladies showed up. Even though we only had a few people, it was still a good session because there was a lot of good conversation today. I picked up a copy of “The Mighty Oak” which is the monthly paper the senior center prints and noticed that there was a short article about Linda on the back page. It was about her winning first prize with her recycled plastic bag tote at the Santa Paula Balloon Festival. Got up to 70° here today, felt much cooler though. Sun peeked out a little but stayed cloudy most of the day.

Today's quote:
“Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated”~Lamartine

Moderate Monday

I actually slept a little better last night. Got in bed at 10:00 pm and turned on “CSI Miami”, but I feel asleep and missed the end of it. Woke up a couple of times, but I was able to go right back to sleep. Linda and I were supposed to go to Pasadena today. She is volunteering in the craft room at our local senior center and we were going to go to a craft store over there so she could pick a few things up, then we were going to wander around “old town” and have lunch and maybe stop by a nature center to check out a couple of hiking trails in Altadena. She called me when I was making breakfast to tell me that she is still sick. If you recall she came down with a sore throat last Friday and it is still sore and she is coughing a lot. She didn't sound very well on the phone. Got a call from my older brother Ron. He told me that he is so glad I am getting a dog. He said he thinks it will really help me a lot. Got a call this afternoon from the rescue shelter about someone coming to do the home inspection this week. I told them I'm available on Wednesday so they are going to see if they can find a volunteer to come out that day. They will call me back with details. I'm starting to get a little nervous about getting Hiker. It's been so long since I've had a dog....over 30 years. I just hope I know how to take care of her properly. It will take me awhile to get used to feeding her and getting her on a “potty” schedule.
Today's quote:

“Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed and very dear”
- Anonymous

A Blessed Sunday

Well last night was the opposite from my night before. I went to bed at 11:00 pm and went to sleep almost immediately but then I woke up around 3:30 am and could not go back to sleep. Also had strange dreams all night, but I do not remember what they were about. Had to get the Lotto tickets for Wednesday's drawing, so I walked down to the liquor store and back (2 miles) and got them. It was really nice outside while I was walking. I headed over to PetCo for their pet adoption event and I did it...I filled out the application to start the adoption procedure on Dolly, who I will rename Hiker if I get her. They will have to come and do a home inspection before I am approved. They know I will be out of town for a few days soon, so they said that we can do it all after I get back. Connie, the rep from the shelter remembered me from when I met Dolly the first time about 6 weeks ago. She said she was going to put in some good words for me because she thinks Dolly (soon to be Hiker) and I are a good match. I'm thinking of all of the things I will have to buy for her if I get her...food (naturally), food dish, water dish, bed, chew bone, toys, nice collar, tag with her name and my phone number (even if she does have a micro chip). If you all cannot tell, after seven terrible months I am finally excited about something in my life.

Today's quote:

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.

All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

- Helen Keller

Scroll down for photos of Hiker Dolly Waggoner (her name if I am approved for her adoption)

Sad On Saturday

Today's quote:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear” - C. S. Lewis

Here it is October. I thought that maybe by now I would have been doing a little better in my grieving process but I seem to cry more now than I did before. I guess it's true what they say...the 3rd to 6th month of widowhood is a tough time. Did not get to sleep until almost 2:00 am again. Stayed in bed this morning until around 8:00 am. Had breakfast and then headed over to The Dollar Tree to pick up a few items and then went next door to Big Lots and picked up an 8GB HP Flashdrive for $10. I store my photos on the flashdrives. I decided to get my small suitcase down from the shelf over my bedroom closet. It was inside of the huge suitcase that Ben and I had and that we always used together when we went to Ferndale on vacations. It was big enough to hold clothes for both of us for at least a week. When I brought it down, I realized that Ben and I would never use it again and I started sobbing. It's way too big for just me so I've decided to give it to Good Will. The TV weather people had been talking all week that today was supposed to be cooler here and that we would have a chance of rain but it was bright and sunny and in the high 90's. Don't know where they got their weather forecast.

September Has Come And Gone

Today's quote:

“I'm holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won't”~Anonymous

Linda and I had a hike planned for this morning but when I turned my cell phone on this morning there was a text from her telling me that she had a very sore throat and a slight fever so she could not go for the hike. Her boyfriend has been sick almost all week, so she probably caught it from him. So I ran a load of laundry, then sat out on my patio with my laptop for awhile. The weather is nice for that now. Decided to wash both vehicles. There is a chance of rain this weekend, but they were both so filthy that I thought at least if I wash them now and it does rain, they won't end up “muddy” from the dirt that was on them. Plus it gave me something to do this morning. I really need to get the Corolla hand waxed over at the big car wash. Trimmed my hair with my Flowbee. By around 2:00 pm the sun was gone behind the clouds and it started looking like some storms might be moving in. By 3:00 pm it was even darker outside. The change in the weather started making me feel lonely again. I was doing pretty good most of the day. I guess it was because I was keeping myself busy. I just cannot believe that tomorrow is October 1st. I thought Ben would have been home recuperating by now.

My Thoughts On Thursday

Today's quote:

“I wish that I could hold you now... I wish that I could touch you now... I wish that I could talk to you... be with you somehow”~Anonymous

Yesterday afternoon and into the evening, I shed a lot of tears. I was “talking” to Ben a lot too. As I've mentioned before, this is all “normal”, but these crying episodes just unexpectedly come over me. I'm told by other widows that one day, the crying episodes will be fewer and further apart. I sure hope so even though I'm also told that the more you cry for your lost love, that it shows how much you truly loved them. Picked up the Lotto tickets this morning and then mopped my kitchen floor. Forced myself to go for a 1.5 mile walk. At least today I didn't cry while out walking. I was however thinking about Ben and I was thinking how angry I am at Kaiser for not doing everything they could to find the second blockage in his intestine, which caused him to get so weak and eventually die. After my walk, I went out and sat on my patio for about an hour with my laptop. It was nice and breezy and I felt pretty good sitting out there. I used to sit out there in the morning on Ben's work days. I don't go out to sit much by myself anymore. I do go out there when my brother Keith is here visiting. I hope I can get back to enjoying my patio alone again. I really loved it so much when we first got it covered. Ben never really got to enjoy it. I don't like the fact that it is getting darker earlier now. I remember I used to tell Ben how much I loved autumn but that I hated the shorter days. I think I hate them more now that he is gone.

Got A Good Deal On A Pair Of Jeans Today

Today's quote:

“Good-bye is only truly painful if you know you'll never say hello again”~Anonymous

Slept in a little this morning then got up, had breakfast and headed over to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries. While driving home, I was thinking about how they call our spouses “our better half”. Now that Ben is gone, I totally understand why they refer to them that way because when they pass away, it's like half of us is gone too, and it is our “better half”. Later I went over to Kohl's because I had received another free $10 gift card from them. I picked up a pair of Levis for $5.43 using the card. I sure hate it when I'm doing something like making lunch and a memory of something Ben did or said comes to mind and I start to cry. That happened to me today. I sobbed for about 5 minutes. These episodes sneak up on me when I least expect it. The sobbing can last just a few minutes or as long as 20 minutes. I just let the tears flow and then I wipe my eyes and go back to whatever I was doing. I have learned that I cannot control these moments, so I just let them “run their course”. The waste management company exchanged my 95 gallon trash bin for the 33 gallon trash bin today. The new one is really a lot smaller, but I'll bet I still won't fill it up each week. Got up to almost 100° here again today. I sure wish the fall weather would get here.

Group Tuesday and lunch with the girls

Today's quote:

“I miss the talks we used to have, I miss the voice I used to hear... I miss hearing your crazy but cool stories, and above all these... I just miss you”~Anonymous

Last night I was getting extremely sleepy while sitting on the sofa watching TV so I went to bed just before 10:00 PM thinking that I'd go right to sleep. Well guess what...the minute my head hit the pillow, I was wide awake. Did not go to sleep until almost 3:00 AM. Stayed in bed until about 8:15 AM but had to get up and get going because Linda was coming by to go with me to my grief support group. Quite a few people there today. We met DeDee there and after the group we went out for lunch. DeDee was telling some great stories today and had Linda and I laughing a lot. Now I'm home watching The Young & The Restless that I recorded while I was out. Got up to almost 100° here again. I was hoping the summer weather was done.

Weather Was Nice, But I Mostly Stayed Inside

Today's quote:

“I often catch myself constantly wondering how you are, sitting alone with my mind set so far, reminiscing about your smile, voice and touch, damn this life... I'm missing you too much!”~Anonymous

I have read that after the 3rd month of losing your spouse the grief is stronger and I agree with that. I know that everything I am going through and everything I am feeling is perfectly normal, so I know not to worry about it, but I just hate feeling this way all the time. About 30 minutes after I got out of bed this morning, I had already had a bout of crying. It was a short one. Cleaned house today and ran a few errands. I called our local waste management. I saw in their newsletter that I could save 20% on my trash bill by turning in my 95 gallon trash container and having it replaced with a 33 gallon container. Since I'm the only one here now, I don't make much trash. A lot of it goes into the recycle container. There have been some weeks where I have not even put the trash container out since there wasn't much in it. I'll save almost $4 per month and since I pay it every 3 months, I'll save about $12 each billing cycle. That will almost get me one month free since the monthly rate will drop from $18 and change down to $14 and change. May as well save money wherever I can. Got up to the mid-80's today. Was able to leave the sliding patio door and the front door open all day and did not turn on the A/C. They say we will be getting warmer again by the end of the week. Too bad because I'm enjoying this cooler weather.

After Several "Good" Days, I Knew It Couldn't Last

Today's quote:

“Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don't have”~Anonymous

I was feeling so “normal” when my brother Keith was here the past few days. It was so nice to have someone here in the evenings to talk to and it was even nice preparing meals for someone. Ben's memory was still in my mind and in my heart, but it was more on the “back burner” for a few days, but the minute Keith left to head for home, Ben's memory came forward again and the lonely ache came back. Cried for about 15 minutes last night. Woke up so sleepy this morning and my legs were sore. Don't know if the Friday hike just caught up with me or what. I went to bed at 10:00 pm last night and went right to sleep, but I just cannot stay asleep all night. I wake up several times. If I could stop doing that, I might be able to get a good night's sleep. It was very overcast when I woke up this morning. I knew it was still dark, but then my bedroom is always dark because I have tinted windows and black-out curtains. I always kept it that way for Ben as he liked to go to bed early. I kept telling myself that I needed to get out and walk since it was so cool outside. I still have trouble getting myself psyched up to walk. I used to love to go out walking when Ben would be at work and I would walk every day. Now it's like a chore for me. I finally forced myself to go for a walk around 9:30 am. I did 2 miles in 30 minutes. I think I have finally figured out why I don't like walking alone anymore. When I'm home alone, yes, I think about Ben constantly, but I have the television and my computer to deter my thoughts, but when I'm out walking, even though I have my MP3 player with me, all I do is think about Ben and the yearning and ache becomes uncontrollable and I always start to cry. I know the crying is good for me, but sometimes it overwhelms me. I washed my sheets and towels today and also decided to change from my “summer” comforter to my “winter” comforter, so I washed the summer one and put it away. Today was a very “teary” day for some reason. I was sitting on the sofa eating my lunch and I glanced over at Ben's “shrine”. I saw the picture of him smiling at me and I thought he looked so alive and wondered how in the hell he could be dead and I broke down and just sobbed. I guess the tears have been backing up because I have not cried for about 4 days and today the dam gates have opened up.

It's Saturday, but I keep thinking it's Sunday

Today's quote:

“Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on.”~Anonymous

Keith and I sat out on the patio last evening and watched the lightning in the clouds for awhile. The storm was far away and we could not even hear the thunder. I think I slept pretty good. Went to sleep around 11:30 pm or so. Got up this morning and made waffles for Keith and myself, then we headed out for a few errands. We went to Kmart and I bought a new pair of hiking boots. They are made by Coleman and the normal price was $24.95 but I got them for $12.48 as they were on sale for half price. I guess they think “hiking season” is over since summer just ended, but to me, hiking season is just starting. Fall, Winter and Spring are the best time to hike here in SoCal.  I stopped by Time Warner's office to see about changing my account with them from Ben's name into my name. I have my TV cable and my Internet with them. Well they told me they have just changed their rules this year that if you want to change a name on an account, you have to cancel the current account and set up a new one, which means I would have had to give them back all of their equipment and then open up a new account, get all new equipment, and I'd have to change my email address. I didn't want to do that, so they just suggested that I leave it in his name as long as the bill gets paid. So that's another thing I can now scratch off my list of things to change. Only two more things left on the list. We took a drive up to Pyramid Lake to the visitor center there and spent about 30 minutes looking around at the exhibits. Keith left to go home around 3:00 pm and now I'm feeling a little lonely.

Great Day With My Brother And My Friend

Today's quote:

“I miss you when I'm sad. I miss you when I'm lonely. But most of all, I miss you when I'm happy”~Anonymous

Linda picked Keith and I up this morning around 9:00 am and we headed up the coast to Carpinteria, CA to hike on the Carpinteria Bluffs. It was really an enjoyable day for me. I actually felt “normal” again and that was such a wonderful feeling. Of course I thought of Ben several times today, but I was thinking that he would be happy to know I was having a good time with my brother and best friend. We parked just ½ block from the ocean and walked through the Carpinteria State Park Camp Ground and found the Bluff Trail. We took some side trails that lead right along the cliffs overlooking the beach and then we walked along the railroad tracks for awhile. There is a seal rookery below the bluffs and we saw several seals in the water, but they never came ashore. On the way back to the car, we walked along the water's edge, picking up shells and checking out the birds and seaweed. Took lots of photographs and a few videos. Stopped by a little “food shack” and had a great lunch. On the way back down the coast, we stopped once again in Ventura and went up to Serra Cross Park to take more photos there. All in all, it was a really nice day.

Happy My Brother Is Here Visiting

Today's quote:

“I miss the way you used to hug me, I miss the way you used to kiss my lips, but most of all I miss the way you held me and my heart. I miss you...”~Anonymous

Got up, had breakfast and headed over to WalMart I originally went to find an inexpensive waffle maker as I have not had one in years and wanted to start having waffles in the morning again. I was buying the frozen ones and they just don't “do it” for me. While at WalMart, I also purchased a 5-cup Mr. Coffee brewer for my brother Keith. Bought it to surprise him. I have never drank coffee, nor did Ben so whenever Keith would come to the house, he'd have to have instant coffee or he'd bring some coffee from his home in a thermos. I decided that since he comes to stay with me more now and to thank him for being such a wonderful brother that I would buy him a brewer that he can keep here for when he visits. Now we will just have to buy him some coffee. I didn't buy any yet because do not know what kind he likes. Keith got here just a little after 11:30 and we headed over to Der Wienerschnitzel for lunch. After that we went to the tire place and had them check the air pressure in my tires and then we hit a few stores around town. Got very cloudy here this afternoon and it got very hot and humid. I received my paperwork on my house back from the County Recorder today so “Ben's & My” house is now legally just “My” house. Makes me a little sad.

Good Day For A Hike

Today's quote:

“It's not a 'good-bye', only a long 'I'll see you later'”

There is a commercial on TV I just hate seeing. It's for “Humana Health Insurance”. They say how “if you do not have that one thing or person in your life that really brings   you joy and makes you happy, that you are not fulfilled or truly living life to it's fullest”. Well DUH! Linda came over a little after 8:00 am and we went over to East/Rice Canyons and hike the Rice Canyon Trail. It was about a 2 ½ mile hike. Linda had never been on this trail before and I had not been on it since October 2008 when I hiked it alone. We both really enjoyed the hike. After the hike, we went out to lunch and sat and talked for an hour or so. Now that I am home, I need to check out the photos I took while hiking and get them posted online. Had a pretty good day. Cried a little at lunch when Linda and I were discussing Ben, but she understands. Tomorrow my brother Keith will be here around 12:00 noon or so. I'm going to actually cook a dinner from him. I'm going to fix a ham and a cheesy potato casserole.

Not Much To Say Today

Today's quote:

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell”~Edna St Vincent Millay

I've gained back 10 of the pounds that I lost when Ben was in the hospital and right after he died. Guess that proves I'm eating. I need to start watching it now so I don't gain all of the weight back. I had lost a total of 20 lbs. I think all of the eating out I've been doing is what's making me gain it back because I sure don't cook for myself like I did when I cooked for Ben. Didn't get to sleep until about 2:00 am this morning. Went to my grief group alone today. Linda was not feeling well and DeDee had to get her truck serviced. We had a couple of people at the group today that I had never seen before, but found out that they had been there before, just not in awhile. Since the girls were not there to go out to lunch after group, I headed straight home to fix myself something to eat. For some reason, all the way home, I was feeling really down. When I got home and walked into the house, my tears started to flow. This time there was nothing specific that made me cry, just felt like crying, so I did. I am so looking forward to this weekend as my brother Keith is coming Thursday and spending 3 or 4 days with me.

Mellow Monday

Today's quote:

“I miss your love I miss your touch, But I’m feeling you everyday”~Anonymous

Well I'm glad another lonely weekend is over. I hate the reality that Ben will never be here with me again, but I have to try to accept it. I don't think I'll ever understand why the weekends are so much harder on me than the week days. You would think they'd be the same, but there is just something about Saturday and Sunday that just make me feel lonelier. When Ben was alive, he worked every-other Saturday, but every-other weekend, we had 3 whole days we spent together all day and I think that has something to do with it. Today I was reading a “widows blog” and the post mentioned that “we are loneliest when we are in a crowd”. How true that quote is. When I'm out in public and I see older couples holding hands or sitting in a restaurant sharing a meal, I think “that's supposed to be Ben and me”. I got a couple of more things off the list of things I need to do since Ben passed away. Went to the Auto Club and renewed the registrations on both vehicles and while I was there, I requested to have Ben's membership changed into my name. Ben was the primary on it and I was the second. I also had the office here in my community fax some paperwork over to their main office to see about getting Ben's name removed from my land lease. I'm still waiting to get the paperwork back from the county recorder showing that the house in now in my name only. My attorney sent that out the first week in August and I have not gotten anything back yet, but those government offices are always slow. I still have about 3 other things to get changed. 2 of them are not a big deal, but I have not changed the bank accounts yet as my attorney said to wait in case any refund checks come back in just Ben's name. My older brother called and we talked for awhile. Got up to about 97° here today. Will be glad when it cools done. They say it should on Wednesday which is good because Linda and I have a hike planned for that morning.

Sleepy Sunday

Today's quote:

“I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you”~Anonymous

It is so amazing how sitting around on the sofa doing nothing all day can make me more tired than if I went out on a 4 mile hike. I felt exhausted last night. Went to bed at 10:00 but woke up off and on all night as usual. Woke up around 6:00 am but still felt very sleepy, so went back to sleep until around 7:30 am. Got up and went for a 1.5 mile walk before making breakfast and tossing my sheets and towels into the washing machine. Drove over to the post office and mailed a couple of letters. The weather was very nice out but they still say we are heading for another heat wave this week. I am not looking forward to that. I want the fall weather to get here. Watched more movies on LMN. Today they showed several “made for TV mysteries”. Around 1:00 PM I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up around 2:00 PM.

Salamander Saturday

Today's quote:

“You may be out of my sight… but never out of my mind… I Miss You! ”~Anonymous

Woke to another overcast morning. I prefer this cooler weather to the hot weather we were having, but it does make me a little depressed without Ben. When I got up this morning and went to my closet to get my clothes, I noticed some kind of movement on the floor next to me. I looked and saw what I think was a salamander sitting there. Scared the crap out of me! I went and got my grabber stick and got hold of it and tossed it out the door into the yard. I probably squished it but it had no business being inside my house! I do not like reptiles. I lucked out today...you all know how much I hate weekends since Ben passed away. I try to keep busy but it's not always that easy to do. Well today the Lifetime Movie HD Channel has been showing Nora Roberts movies all day. Nora Roberts was one of my favorite authors when I was able to comprehend what I was reading before Ben passed. So I vegged out on the sofa all day in front of the TV. The guy who inspects my Puronics Water System Tank every 6 months or so came by this afternoon and said since I'm the only one here now, he won't have to come check it as much because I'm using less water. They will come in June 2012 to flush the tank and remove the old carbon and fill it with new carbon. I get that service free the first time. Thank goodness I should not need it again for the next 3 years after that because I'll have to pay for it next time. I really need to try to get out for a walk tomorrow.

Not Too Bad Of A Day

Today's quote:

“When I miss you, I don’t have to go far … I just have to look inside my heart because that’s where I’ll find you.”~Anonymous

Yesterday, I was reading a post on Facebook from another widow and she said that her son told her that he missed his dad and she told her son, “I don't just miss him, I ache for him”. That word “ache” really says it all. I've talked about having a broken heart and how it is actually a physical feeling we widows have and the word “ache” describes it more than anything else could. I have so many good online friends who read my “journal” daily. Many of them tell me that they felt the “knew” Ben personally because of my story. They followed it all through Ben's hospital stay to his passing and now they follow my “new life”. So many of them write to me and tell me how bad they feel for me and how what I write brings them to tears and that they worry about me. Please know that I appreciate your support and that even though it may sometimes not sound like it, I am doing just fine in my journey through grief. Writing my feelings down was suggested by my therapist at my grief group and I've also seen on so many websites that keeping a “journal” about your feelings helps you to get these feelings out of you systems just as tears do. Besides helping me get through this, the worst time of my life, perhaps it will also help other widows to know that what they are going through is “normal”, that they are not the only ones with these thoughts and feelings. Also it might help people who have not lived through this kind of a loss what widowhood is all about and possibly help them when they must face this kind of grief. I often wonder if there will ever come a time that I will no longer start to cry when I least expect it. I was out watering my plants on the patio this morning and suddenly, my tears began to flow. Then I went for a late morning walk and once again, the tears came. I “talk” to Ben while I'm out walking.

Back On The Trail Thursday

Today's quote:

“I heard someone whisper your name, but when I turned around to see who it was, I was alone. Then I realized that it was my heart telling me that I miss you”~Anonymous

Walking around Santa Paula yesterday must have worn me out because I started falling asleep on the sofa around 8:45 pm last night. I went to bed around 9:15 and I think I went right to sleep, but I kept waking up all night, so still did not get a solid night of sleep. Today Ben has been gone 3 months. Linda came by a little after 8:00 am this morning and we went for a hike. We only hiked about 2 miles or so. Could not find the trail that we wanted to follow. We just hiked until we ran out of trail then turned around and came back. When I got home, I took a shower and then made lunch and watched “The Young & The Restless”. When that was over, I drove over to Kohl's. I had received another free $10 gift card from them, so I bought a long sleeved T-shirt to prepare for the cooler weather that will be coming soon. Only cost me $2.16 with the $10 off. When I got home something set me off and I had about a 10 minute cry. I think it was because I remember how when I'd buy blouses or whatever, Ben would always want to see what I bought. I started thinking how it's no fun for me to go shopping like that anymore. I used to love to go when he was alive. He'd be at work and I'd take a “Me Day” and hit all the stores like Wal-Mart, Target, Kohl's, K-mart, etc. I looked forward to it and enjoyed it so much. Now I do not look forward to or enjoy anything anymore. Life has no purpose without Ben. I'll survive somehow though. That's what he would have wanted me to do.

Walking Tour Wednesday

Today's quote:

“Why is it that when you miss someone so much that your heart is ready to disintegrate, you hear the saddest song on the radio?”~anonymous

Headed over to the Toyota dealer this morning to get my Corolla serviced and to have the smog inspection done on it. Ben would be so proud of me :-). Linda picked me up at the dealer and we headed up to Santa Paula to pick up her $250 prize for a contest she had entered in July at their Hot Air Balloon Festival. It was for creating a “green” craft and her recycled plastic bag tote won first prize. After they took her picture for their newsletter, she and I walked around Old Town Santa Paula and looked at their murals. We decided to drive up to Ventura for lunch and went to Andria's Fish Market for lunch. We both ordered fish and chips. For around $11 your get 7 or 8 big pieces of deep fried and a big basket of French fries. It was warm and sunny in Santa Paula but cloudy and overcast in Ventura, but then they are right on the beach. We headed back home and picked up my car at the dealer. I stopped by and filled the Corolla with gas and then headed home. Had a nice day.

Hearing Thunder On Tuesday Afternoon

Today's quote:

"There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and recovered hope." George Eliot

Was awake until around 1:00 am this morning. It figures....I had been going to sleep around 9:30 or 10:00 PM for the past few nights and now I'm back to the staying awake again. As I said before, I'll have a couple of good nights and then I'm back to the insomnia. Today was my grief support group. I thought today's session was one of our best. A lot of good discussion. I really felt like today's group was helpful to me. Even though I naturally have my “bad” days, I am so glad that I decided to start going to a grief support group right after Ben died because I really feel that being with other people who are going through the same loss as I am is helpful to me. DeDee and I went to lunch after the group and I told her that last night I had a “revelation”. I was watching “Rizzoli & Isles” and I guess I was pretty wrapped up in the storyline. The show broke for a commercial and suddenly I realized that I had not been thinking about Ben for the past 15 or 20 minutes. That's the first time I had had a feeling like that in the past 3 months. I'm thinking that this is a “good thing”. Linda had planned on going to lunch with us but she was not done with her volunteer work at the senior center. I'll be having lunch with her tomorrow. Temperatures got into the mid 90's today and sunny with some really big thunderheads. Around 3:00 pm I started hearing thunder and got some huge rain drops but not a lot.

Monday With My Friends The Meggitts

Today's quote:

“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies”~William Penn

I went to bed exhausted last night due to having a bad evening thinking about Ben and crying. I had not had a "sobbing" cry in quite awhile, had one last night. I've been thinking about my brother Keith and I going to northern California to visit our older brother Ron. I remember when we used to go and Ben would stay home, I'd be OK for the first 2 days or so and then I would start missing Ben so much. I called him several times every day while I was up there and I remember how on the drive coming home, I could not wait to get home and get a big hug from Ben. I just realized that if Keith and I get to go up to see Ron in a few weeks that Ben will not be here when I get home to give me that hug. I've been going to sleep a little earlier now, but I dream a lot and I wake up several times during the night so I'm still not getting good sleep. My friends Karren & Wally Meggitt came by a little after noon and took me to lunch at Dink's New York Deli over at the local mall. It was so nice to see them. I had not seen them since March when Ben was in the hospital and Karren stayed with me a few nights. We came back to my house after lunch and sat and talked about Ben and I showed them the slide show of photos I have of him before they had to head back home. Of course, once they left, the loneliness of the empty house set in again, but all in all, it was not too bad of a day.

Sentimental Sunday

Today's quote:

“Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making”~Stephanie Ericsson

Today was a “double sad” day for me since it was the 10th anniversary of 9/11 plus Ben not being here. I listened to the reading of the names of the casualties of 9/11 on CNN for awhile, did a load of laundry, then took advantage of the overcast weather and went outside to clean up the flowerbed in my front yard. At the same time I pulled some weeds and I also flushed my hot water heater, something that I usually do in the spring, but since I was running back and forth to the hospital every day back then, I did not have time to do. The sun came out around 10:00 am, so I opened up my front door and the sliding door to the patio and sat down to watch some TV. Weather was beautiful today. Thought about going for a drive, but instead decided to stay home and clean up a few things. I went through some papers that I'd been meaning to go through for a long time. Also cleaned up the kitchen island. Watched a movie on the Hallmark Channel. I noticed today I was reminiscing about trips Ben and I used to take together. I've always done that when the weather starts to get nice. Even back when Ben was alive I would do that. But now I realize that I will never be able to go on a trip with him again and it brings tears to my eyes and takes my breath away. I cannot see myself ever really enjoying a trip away from home again without him, especially places that were special to us.

Saturday Wasn't Too Bad

Today's quote:

“Do not protect yourself from grief by a fence, but rather by your friends”~Czech Proverb

For some reason, after I got home from going to lunch with the girls yesterday, I felt totally exhausted. I stretched out on the sofa in front of the TV and actually kept dozing off, so I took a shower and got my jammies on around 5:30 pm and just relaxed. I continued dozing off watching the TV so I finally got off the sofa around 9:00 and went to bed, which as you know, is early for me these days. I feel to sleep almost immediately and I think I slept through the night. Had some dreams, but do not remember what they were. When I woke up this morning, I felt “hung over” even though I do not drink alcohol. Stayed in bed for awhile. After I got up, I went for a 1.5 mile walk. It was really nice and cool outside this morning. After lunch, I was sitting in the living room watching the movie “My Girl” on ABC Family HD. I had the front door and sliding door to the patio open. I started hearing thunder and then it started raining big drops. Smelled good and I really enjoy the sound of the thunder. Then I heard a train whistle across the valley. I wished Ben was here to enjoy this with me. He loved the sound of the train whistles and he'd really be enjoying this weather. I just went outside to look at the weather again. The sun is shining here, but to the northeast, there is a huge storm cell. Looks like it might be heading this way. Heard that northeast of us in Acton that they have been having flash floods for about an hour along with huge hail. Wonder if it will get to me? If so, I'll have to log off the computer.

Ben's 61st Birthday (Or his "60 Forever Day")

Today's quote:

“Tearless grief bleeds inwardly”~Christian Nevell Bovee

Did not get to sleep until almost 2:00 am this morning. Don't know if it was because Keith had been here for 3 days and had just left to go home yesterday evening, so I knew I was alone again, or if it was because today would have been Ben's 61st birthday. Once I did go to sleep, I think I slept through the night. Sometimes I do not remember if I get up at night or not. I woke up around 6:00 am and could not go back to sleep. I do not understand how I get by on only 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night. When Ben was alive, I always got 7 or 8 hours. I met my friends Linda, DeDee and Judy at Backwoods Inn at 11:45 am for lunch. We toasted Ben and then we ate and sat there and talked for about 3 hours. It felt cooler outside today. Thermometer read 96° but it still felt cooler. Tomorrow it's only supposed to be about 85° here. Now for another lonely weekend.

Thursday With My Brother

Today's quote:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”~Jesus Christ on the Mount, Matthew 5:4

Keith and I were a little lazy this morning. I woke up around 6:45 am and saw that he still had the door closed to the computer room where he sleeps, so I just stayed in bed until I heard him get up. Made pancakes for breakfast then we went over to Wal-Mart so I could pickup a few groceries. We were out running around almost all morning, going to different stores, then over to Arby's for lunch around noon. I am NOT looking forward to him leaving to go home this evening. It has been so nice having someone here with me these past 3 days. Nice having someone to talk to at night while watching TV. I helped Keith by printing out his resume. His printer at home is not working properly. Tomorrow is Ben's birthday. I am meeting with 3 of my girlfriends for lunch at Ben's favorite steak house here in Santa Clarita. I'm looking forward to having lunch with the girls but I'm not looking forward to Ben's birthday without him.

Car All Waxed Wednesday

Today's quote:

“The pain passes but the beauty remains”~Pierre Auguste

Made breakfast for Keith and I this morning and then we headed over to have my tires rotated on the 4Runner. They told me that my rear brake drums needed to be adjusted, so got that done too. Then we went to the Verizon Store as I really intended to buy an iPhone 4 today. Had to wait around about 15 minutes as they were really busy. When they finally got to me and I told them what I wanted, they told me it was NOT time for my upgrade, which I already knew. They then told me that they suggested I wait until after February 24th when I can get an upgrade because they could not give me the phone for $199 unless I also switched my home phone over to their home phone system. I would have had to pay full price for iPhone without the home phone package. Full price for the phone is anywhere between $425 and $600. To switch over to their home phone system, would have cost me around $125 and then the cell phone would have been $199, but I just didn't care about changing my home phone system right now. Also the iPhone 5 is due to come out in October sometime, so I guess I'm waiting until the end of February. We left the Verizon Store and headed over to the Canyon Car Wash and left the 4Runner to washed and waxed while we walked across the street to the Route 66 Grill for lunch. I think Ben would be proud of me for taking good care of his 4Runner. We also went to a few other stores. Very hot outside. Got up to around 104° so we finally came back home to the A/C. When Keith is here visiting me, I feel a little more “normal” than when I'm alone. Keith used to sometimes come to visit when Ben was working. I think I keep feeling like Ben is as work while Keith and I are out running around, even though I know in the back of my mind that this is not true. Keith told me he slept good last night and he thinks it's because I had him sleep on the air bed in the computer room instead of in the living room with Ben's ashes. I think I mentioned before that he said for some reason knowing the ashes were in the room with him freaked him out.

Nice To Have Company

Today's quote:

“Tears are the silent language of grief”~Voltaire

I had to take a sleep aid pill last night for the first time in over a week. Stayed up and watch “The Closer” and “Rizzoli & Isles” last night, went to bed at 11:00 pm but could not go to sleep. After I took the pill, I went to sleep just before 1:00 am. Met DeDee at the Senior Center for our Grief Support Group. Had a pretty good turn-out. As usual, our therapist (Judy) made sure to tell us that no matter what stage of grief we are in, whatever we are doing or feeling is exactly what we are supposed to be doing and feeling. She always assures us that everyone goes through their grief in their own way and no matter what people tell you, there are no “set” rules for how we grieve. After group, we drove over to Round Table Pizza and met with my brother Keith and had a nice lunch. Keith is staying with me for a few days so it will be nice having someone to have conversation with in the evenings. Tomorrow morning, I have an appointment to get the tires on the 4Runner rotated at 9:00 and then I'm going to check on getting the 4Runner washed and hand-waxed. Ben used to get it hand-waxed once a year and he didn't get it down before he got sick.

Lonely Labor Day Monday

Today's quote:

“Mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have... The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits”~Shneidman

I used to think that the words “broken heart” were just that...words. Since Ben passed away, I know that a broken heart is actually a physical condition that truly does exist. Some days you feel like there is an empty spot in your chest where your heart used to be, other days you feel like a dagger has been plunged into your chest. Sometimes you feel like you can hardly breathe. Some days you barely cry a single tear-drop while other days, you cry so much that you wonder where all of the tears are coming from. Some days you feel so lonesome and so empty inside that you wonder where you will ever find the strength to go on living without that special person by your side. You knew that one day in your life that there was the probability that you would lose that special person, but you never expected it to happen so soon or for it to hurt this bad. There is no way anyone can understand this completely until they actually go through it for themselves. Very dark and cloudy outside when I woke up this morning at 6:30 am. Strange because we usually do not have this kind of weather during the summer. Since my brother Keith is coming up for a few days to visit me, I decided to go through Ben's sock drawer to see if there were any of his socks that Keith could use. When I pulled the drawer out of the dresser, I heard something “rolling” around in the bottom of the drawer. I took out all of the socks and there were 2 small pieces of a tooth and a silver filling. I guess Ben had lost a filling and never told me about it. Have no idea why he put these things in the bottom of his underwear drawer plus why they were lying in there loose, and I have no idea why he never told me unless it was because we did not have dental insurance. Well when I saw this, I just could not part with these little pieces. Sounds crazy, but this was Ben's tooth and very much a part of him plus contains his DNA. I put them into a small plastic bag and put the bag into the little silver box that contains some of his ashes. Went for a walk before lunch. It was totally cloudy but 80º and humid. Spent most of the day on the sofa watching TV again.

Another quote from me (not the Internet):

“Don't cry because he died...smile because he lived”~Me

Relaxing Sunday

Today's quote:

“Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through their sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery”~F. Alexander Magoun

Had to go buy Ben's Lotto ticket this morning plus the ticket that he and I always share with our friend Ed. Ed refers to it as the EBK Krazee Ticket (EBK standing for Ed/Ben/Kay). I buy it for Wednesday's drawing and Ed buys it for Saturday's drawing. To tell the truth, I'd feel really bad if we won the Lotto jackpot. Ben was the one who was so into playing and always hoping we'd win “big”. It just would not be the same to win a lot of money without him being here to spend it with. I had been waiting for the guy who sold us our whole house water filter to come by today and do the 6 month check on the tank, but he called about an hour before he was supposed to come and said he had to reschedule. DeDee showed up around 11:30 and we headed over to Route 66 Grill for lunch. We sat there for about an hour and a half eating and talking then headed back to my house for me to give her some more camera and computer lessons. She left just before 4:30 pm. Had a pretty good day.

Sofa (all day) Saturday

Today's quote:

“There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go”~Author Unknown

Woke up around 6:00 am with a really bad headache. I had been having a really strange dream and woke up a little “startled”, but immediately forgot everything about the dream except that it was strange. Went back to sleep and woke up about an hour later and the headache was gone, so I decided to get up. Put the towels and sheets into the washing machine and had breakfast. One of my widowed online friends had posted something on Facebook that gave me an idea. Last week was her late husband's birthday. Her best girlfriend had just moved and they were going to hang pictures and arrange furniture. My friend took her husband's ashes along, set them on the table with candles so her husband could “supervise” the move and they called it his “69 Forever” party. I have lunch planned with a couple of girlfriends for Ben's birthday next Friday. I told them I didn't want to spend that day alone, so we have planned to go to Ben's favorite steakhouse here in town. I've decided to call it Ben's “60 Forever” party and I'll bring the little silver box that contains a few of his ashes with me so he will be there with us. Most of his ashes are in the urn, but I do have a small amount of them in the box to take with me if and when I travel. I wouldn't want to carry the urn everywhere, even though some people do that and it came with nice cloth bag in case I wanted to take it with me. But don't think we will do the “candle thing”. Hope this doesn't freak out the girls who are going with me (LOL). Called and made an appointment to have the tires on the 4Runner rotated when Keith is here next Wednesday. The quotes I've been sending each day have been from the Internet, but here is one straight from me...”Widows know what empty feels like”.

How Can It Be September Already?

Today's quote:

“Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow”~Dan Rather

Got up and went for a 1.4 mile walk first thing this morning. I noticed that my legs and feet hurt now when I walk. Guess it's because I don't walk every day like I used too. I hope that when Linda and I get back to hiking this fall that I'll be OK on the trails. I think I have figured out another reason why I don't like going out for my walks now, when I'm walking alone, my mind wanders directly to Ben, as it does at home, but then I start to cry while walking and when I pass other people, I've got tears streaming down my face. This morning while walking I got to thinking about Ben's last day of his life. I started thinking about me holding him and telling him how much I loved him and thanking him for loving me and being such a good husband. I started sobbing as I was walking. Luckily I had worn a baseball cap so I could dip the brim down so people could not see my tears. My friend DeDee emailed me this morning and asked if I wanted to get together on Sunday, so thank goodness I have something planned for one day over the long holiday weekend. Was out back watering the plants and noticed that someone has moved into the house behind me. It had been empty for almost a year. They have 2 yappy dogs. Ben would have hated that. The people who lived there before had yappy dogs and it drove him nuts. He was so glad when they moved out of the house. Hopefully the dogs will get used to their new home and not yap so much. Got an email from Brittney who works at Fast Undercar where Ben used to work. She told me that they all talk about Ben all of the time and that his timecard is still in its usual spot. She said they can't stand to take it down. Ben would be so pleased to know that and I told her it means so much to me to know that they are keeping his memory alive and I'm sure it will mean a lot to Ben's brother and sister too. I actually took a short nap this afternoon.

Temblor Thursday

Today's quote:

“No one ever really dies as long as they took the time to leave us with fond memories”~Chris Sorensen

Got up a little earlier than normal this morning so I could get some things done before I headed over for my first day of volunteering. I thought of Ben and started crying. I was wondering what he would think about me “getting out there” and taking care of myself. I thought of how I can never share my feelings and thoughts with him anymore and that's what made me cry. The little hummers were at the feeder early this morning. Guess they wanted to get out before the heat. So I hate to say this, but I did NOT like volunteering today. I was extremely bored. Wasn't so bad when I first got there. All of the animals were walking around and coming up to me. I was petting them and talking to them. The other person there with me today was a woman in her 30's. She was nice, but she didn't seem like she wanted to have much conversation. She would hang out on the other side of the barnyard from me. I'd go sit by her and try to start talking with her, but she didn't say much, so I'd move on. All of the animals decided to go to sleep around 9:45 am, so for the next 2 to 2 ½ hours, there was nothing to do but just sit. I was barely getting phone service there, so I could not really call anyone. I was able to send out a couple of text messages, but I had to walk around the barnyard until I could find a signal. I had hoped that the animals would have been more active and that there would have been at least a couple of people there to have a little conversation with. I'm thinking that if the other woman would have been more my age, we would have been able to sit and talk. The animals started to wake up and move around again about 15 minutes before it was time for us to leave. I could not wait to get home and take a shower. I felt so dirty. When I got home I jumped into the shower. I got out and made a lunch and sat down on the sofa to eat and a 4.2 earthquake hit. Scared the heck out of me. It only lasted about 5 seconds. Felt like the sofa was falling out from under me then the house shook a little. I could hear the rumble. I grabbed my cell phone and called my brother Keith in Orange, CA. He did not feel it as he was about 50 miles away from the epicenter (Newhall, CA) and he was driving his car. He kept telling me I'd be OK. I then called my friend DeDee over in Sylmar, CA to make sure she was OK. She too had just sat down to have lunch and felt the quake. She was about the same distance from the epicenter as me, only on the other side of it. We had just talked about this last Tuesday at lunch, about how both of us were afraid to think about the next big quake that will come since both of us are now without our husbands. Anyway, I guess I'll have to think about finding volunteer work somewhere else. When I went into the office to sign out after my volunteer shift was done, there was no one there for me to talk to, so I guess if they call me, I'll just have to tell them that it was just not what I was looking for.

Woeful Wednesday

Another good quote...

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal~From a headstone in Ireland”

Went to bed with a headache last night. Had to take some Tylenol. I think I slept pretty much through the night but woke up around 4:30 am and couldn't go back to sleep. Got up and made breakfast then vacuumed the carpet. Didn't feel like dusting so I just said to heck with it. No one here but me to see the dust anyway. I really hate housework. Maybe one of these days I'll see if I can find a cleaning woman to come in a couple of times a month. Went out and watered my plants and filled the bird bath. I've noticed that I have 3 or 4 hummingbirds at my feeder every day. A couple of them are large for hummers. Went to Sam's Club and picked up a few things. It's no fun going to Sam's Club anymore. Ben used to love to go over there and just wander around the entire store to see what they had and to try the food samples. Tomorrow I go to The Gentle Barn for my first day of volunteering there. I'm beginning to wonder if have bitten off more than I can chew there. Especially the part about keeping the animals away from the 1000 lb pig and vice versa. Also, it's going to be in the 90's tomorrow and I'll be outside for 4 hours from 9:00 am to 1:00 pm. I'm going to put on a lot of sun block before I go and take my big brimmed straw hat. I promised them I'd be there so I will keep my promise. Went for an afternoon walk around 2:30, did 1.4 miles in 25 minutes. It was about 87º which was about 20º cooler than it has been. I cried most of the time I was walking. I just cannot seem to get by one single day anymore without shedding tears. Everything makes me think of Ben. Yesterday in our grief group, we were discussing one of the “new” stages of grief which is “Yearning”. I did some research on it today and found that a studies done with people attending grief support groups shows that “it's the constant nagging desire for one last word, one last touch, or one last sight of the person who has died. The word “yearning” describes it well. Also it has been observed that somewhere between 3-6 months the full reality of the death hits, and with it the full impact of the loss.” Ben has been gone for 11 weeks now (almost 3 months), so I think I am entering this “Yearning Grief Stage”.

Group Tuesday

Found this quote that I thought was very good...

“As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us~Sascha”

Did a lot of crying again yesterday so last night I took ½ sedative to help me sleep. Cried more this morning because I got to thinking about day trips Ben and I would take on his days off and I thought of how I'll never be able to do that with him again. For some reason, it just seems that I am crying more now than I was before. Could be because I am spending more time alone at home lately. At first I was getting out with friends at least 2 or 3 times a week, now I'm lucky if it is once a week. Friends go back to their own lives and routines. My life and routine as I knew it is gone forever. It could also be that his birthday is coming up on September 9th. I went to my grief support group today. Not as many people showed up today as usual. DeDee was there and after group we went to the pizza parlor for lunch. We sat there for 3 hours and just gabbed. She and I can talk about our husbands for hours because we understand that we need this kind of therapy where other people don't want to hear us talk about them. Always have a good time when she and I get together. While at the senior center I ran into Lisa, the vocational nurse who works for my attorney and who was at Ben's hospital room so many times with me. It was good to see her again.

Mediocre Monday

Had trouble going to sleep again last night. I guess I should know by now that some nights I'll fall asleep quickly and others I'll lie there waiting for sleep to come. I stayed up watching a Hallmark movie “William & Catherine” until 11:00 pm. I took a sleep aid around 10:30 but it didn't seem to want to kick in. Finally went to sleep around midnight. Had to go pick up the groceries that I'd run out of so I went to Wal-Mart first and then headed up to Stater Brothers. Was already getting warm outside by 9:30 am. I keep telling myself that I need to get out and walk early in the morning, but I still cannot seem to get myself back into a regular walking schedule. I still just do not want to do anything but sit around the house, unless I have a lunch date with the girls. I received an email from Ben's sister Donna yesterday. She made the comment that she wished we could jump ahead about a year so the hurt would not be as bad as it is now. I had to tell her that I've learned from my grief group that it will still hurt a year from now. I just keep wondering if I will ever get over sitting here “waiting for Ben to come home”. Sounds crazy. Even though my mind knows he is gone forever, my heart just does not listen. Spent most of the day in the house with the A/C again today. At least tomorrow I will be going to the grief support group and then DeDee and I will go to lunch after. Watched more of “Antenna TV” today. Great old shows like “Father Knows Best” and “Burns & Allen”. Ben would have loved watching this channel. I also watched “Funny Girl” on TCM. Got up to 102 degrees today. Wish it would cool down.

Sleepy Sunday

Well, yesterday after the girl came and took the gas BBQ grill, I came back into the house and sobbed for about 20 minutes. I thought I was ready to let some things go, but then I guess I started thinking about when we first bought the grill, Ben would grill on it about 2 or 3 times a week. He loved grilled steaks. I could take them or leave them. We had not used that grill for quite awhile in the past year to year and a half. That's why I thought I'd have no problem giving it away, but then the memories flooded back. I took ½ of a Lorazepam (Ativan) pill to calm me down. It also helped me to sleep last night. I went to bed around 9:30 pm and I think I only woke up maybe once all night. But when I woke up this morning, I cried again thinking of Ben. I just hope that every time I try to get rid of something of Ben's or that has a memory connected to it, I don't cry. Today I discovered a television station that Ben would have loved. It's called “Antenna TV KTLA 5.2”. They show old TV shows from the 1950's, 1960' & 1970's. Old shows like “Circus Boy”, “Rin-Tin-Tin”, “Iron Horse”, “Burns & Allen” and “Hazel”. Ben would have really loved watching some of these shows. Went out around 9:00 am to buy Ben's Lottery Ticket and noticed it was already getting very warm. Almost 80º by 9:15. I decided that it was going to be another day to stay inside with the A/C. Also noticed first thing this morning that today was going to be a day of tears because ever since I got out of bed, every little thing has been setting me off. My friend Karren Meggitt called me to check up and see how I was doing. I also got another call from a “general contractor”. This is the 3rd time I've gotten a call like this. I'm assuming they saw a public notice of Ben's death because the know my name. I guess they start calling widows because they think the husband is now gone so the widow needs work done. All 3 time it has sounded like the same voice but the guy kept telling me he had not called me before, which I didn't believe because as I said, sounded like the same voice and he always says “hello Mrs. Waggoner, my name is (which he says so fast I never can catch what it is), and I'm a general contractor”. That's where I usually stop them because I tell them I do not need a general contractor for anything and I hand up. Today I told this guy to stop calling me. He claimed he had never called me before but I told him that I recognize his voice and again told him I do not need a general contract and to stop calling me and then I hung up. Don't know if that will stop him. Guess I'll have to start letting the answer machine pickup my calls again. I stopped doing that when Ben was in the hospital because it was usually the hospital or doctors calling me. Don't have to worry about that now so I need to get out of the habit of grabbing the phone as soon as it rings. And so goes another day of doing nothing but sitting around watching TV.

"Selling" Saturday

Tossed and turned all night again. I wake up so tired in the morning. I had planned on going for a morning walk before it got too hot, but it was already over 75º when I got up at 7:00 am, plus I had someone coming to buy my recumbent exercise bike that I had posted on Craig's list. He had called last night after 9:00 pm and wanted to come then and get it. I told him NO WAY! Anyway, he came by around 10:45 this morning and got it. By that time it was already over 90º, so no walk. Then I decided to post my old BBQ grill on Craig's List as a freebie. My phone has been ringing off the hook! I had to put a message on my answering machine to tell people that I promised the first woman who called that I would hold it until 4:00 pm for her, so I've been telling everyone else that if she does not take it, I will leave it on Craig's List and the first person who calls can come and get it. Wonder what Ben would think about me selling and “giving” these things away. He and I had not used the BBQ grill since last December and then we used it for his memorial service lunch, but I would not use it just for me. I have a small camping gas grill that I can use if I really get desperate for a grilled steak, which I don't think I will. Ben was the steak lover, not me. I've also posted Ben's collection of Andy Griffith collector plates on Craig's List plus my collection of Y&R collector plates. I have no use for them anymore. Got up to 107º here today.

Another Do Nothing Day

Went to be earlier last night but I just cannot sleep through the night anymore. I just have the strangest dreams (and I'm not taking medications) and I just toss and turn all night waking up every hour or so. I woke up around 4:30 am and went back to sleep and then work up at 6:30 am. It felt warm so I checked the outdoor temperature and it was already over 70 degrees. I had planned to get up and go for a morning walk, but decided against it as I was so tired from the tossing and turning. Mopped my kitchen floor, paid some bills and wrote some letters. Was on Skype with my brother Keith and he said that he is going to update his resume next week. I just keep worrying about him. I used to love Fridays especially when Ben did not have to work on Saturday because I knew that we had 3 days to spend together. Now every day is the same, get up, survive, go to bed.

Thursday...Some Good...Some Bad

I had not cried for a couple of days but I made up for it last night. I cried for about 30 minutes and the entire time I was “talking” to Ben telling him how much I loved him and how much I miss him. Needless to say, I didn't not go to sleep until around 1:30 am. Strange how on Tuesday night I could not keep my eyes open while watching TV and went to bed at 9:15 pm and went right to sleep, but the next night, I could not sleep if my life depended on it. Ran some errands this morning, got Ben's Lotto ticket, went to the post office, filled the 4Runner with gas and then went to the bank to cash the check I got for selling my gold and silver. Got some bad news from my brother Keith today. He got laid off from his job effectively immediately. The company has been taking a hit from the bad economy. His losing his job could cause our trip to see our brother Ron in October to be canceled. The company is giving Keith a severance package and he can claim unemployment once the severance runs out, but if he is able to find a job before the date we are planning to go to Ron's, we won't be able to go because he can't get a new job and then just take off for a vacation right away. Met with 5 of my retired girlfriends that I worked at Lockheed with for lunch today. We had a nice time as usual, shooting the breeze for hours. Now I'm back home feeling a little lonely and thinking and worrying about Keith and hoping that he has no problem finding a job soon.

A Very Warm Wednesday

Had to go over to Wal-Mart this morning and pick up some things I ran out of....the usual....milk, eggs, tomatoes, lettuce. I wanted to get over there early before it got too hot. Went to bed last night at 9:15 am because I could not hold my eyes open. I think I went to sleep right away but I woke up several times during the night. As usual the TV was on all night long. I woke up around 4:00 am and turned it off. I was sitting around this morning thinking about how when Ben was alive, I used to pray that I would die before him. It was the “selfish” part of me that could not stand to think about living my life without him. Now I am so thankful that he was not the one left behind to go through this terrible pain and loneliness. I really do not think he would have survived it. Yes, he was strong, but he did not have a lot of friends and he did not have any interests or hobbies, so I think he would have just sat in his chair and grieved for me. Maybe that sounds vain on my part, but I knew Ben for 38 years and I know how much he loved me and depended on me for so many things. Plus financially, I don't think he would have been able to get by. I'm afraid he might have lost the house. I'm actually getting more money now than when he was alive because I'm no longer paying for his health insurance plus I'm now getting his social security, but his income would have dropped a lot because he would have only gotten half of my pension from Lockheed. He could have gotten my social security which will be more than his, but he still would have been getting less money than he and I got together when he was alive. Took my little bit of old gold and my nine silver dollars to the Gold Buyer Depot and sold them. Got more money than I thought I would. It will pay for my trip and then some when I go with my brother Keith up to my brother Ron's in October.

"Training" Tuesday

I hate to say it but I'm starting to feel like I might start going through some of Ben's clothes soon and start giving some to charity. May not start this week...maybe next week, maybe not. I'll see how I feel about it once I start looking through his things. I was a little nervous about going to The Gentle Barn today. I almost felt like I was applying for a job, plus the fact that I'm basically a very shy person. This was a big step for me. Ben would not believe that I did this because he knew how "chicken" I always was about meeting new people and going places by myself. But after all of the "strangers" I had to deal with while he was in the hospital and since he died, I guess I've gotten a little more used to it. Still don't like it though. I know I'm on my own now for the rest of my life and that I no longer have him here to push me and support me, so I have to do these things on my own. I was at The Gentle Barn for an hour. There were two other women at the orientation too, one about my age and the other maybe in her 20's but we won't be volunteering together for now. There sure is a lot of stuff you have to remember. Not only do you pet and hug the animals, you have to make sure they have water, make sure you hose them down if it's a really hot day, especially the pigs as they can sunburn, and you have to clean up the animal poop. Found out that you do not have a “regular” schedule for volunteering. You talk with Michelle who does the scheduling and see what days they might need you and then you commit to the days you can work. I won't be going back until Thursday September 1st and I will be on what they call “Pixie Patrol”. Pixie is a little young goat and she can get into all kinds of trouble, so it will be my job to keep her out of trouble, plus back up the other Barn Buddy who will be there. I have not met the Barn Buddy who will be there with me yet. We have to keep certain animals away from each other as they do not get along sometimes, for instance, the 1000 lb. pig Biscuit intimidates the 800 lb. pig Zeus, so you have to keep them apart, in fact you have to try to keep most of the animals away from Biscuit because he pretty much intimidates all of the animals. So....I'll just have to see how it goes I guess and see if I enjoy it or not. They also asked us never to bring lunch that contains meat or dairy products out of respect for the animals at The Gentle Barn. The animals basically “rule” the place. It is NASTY HOT here today. At 3:30 pm it was 103°

Monday On The Sofa

Went for a 1.4 mile walk this morning. It was really nice outside...in the 60's and partly cloudy. But they are saying that this week we are going to be up in the 100's again. After my walk I had breakfast and then did a little cleaning. I keep wondering if the feeling that Ben is still alive somewhere and that someday he will be coming home will ever go away. I no longer envision him as the sick, weak man in the hospital bed. I envision him as he was before he got sick, standing there smiling at me. Each time I clean around the house, I seem to remove or put away something that reminds me of Ben. Today I cleaned off his sink counter in the master bathroom. Just basically sat the sofa all day and messed around on my computer and had the TV on. I never got a call from The Gentle Barn about my orientation for tomorrow so I called them to make sure it's still on and they said it was, so I'll head over there in the morning.

Satisfying Sunday

I stayed up until 11:00 last night watching a movie starring Valerie Bertinelli on Hallmark Channel last night. Went to bed and was still wide awake. Didn't go to sleep until around 1:00 am. I was having a dream, don't really remember what it was about, but I do remember there was a “glimpse” of Ben in it. I remember seeing him standing in a hallway. He had on one of his signature blue stripped shirts. I only saw him for a second and then he was gone. Got up around 7:00 am and made breakfast for Keith and myself. The weather was so nice this morning that we went out and sat on my patio for awhile. Keith told me how sleeping in the living room with Ben's ashes “freaks him out” for some reason. He said he used to sleep really well here at my house, but now he has strange dreams and keeps thinking about the ashes being there. I told him I'm here all day with them and never even think about them being there. Keith and I headed over to The Gentle Barn around 10:00 am. They have their open house every Sunday. As soon as we got there, I asked them how I go about volunteering. They gave me a form to fill out and then I spoke with Ellie the founder of The Barn. She seems to be a very nice lady. She said the need “Barn Buddies”. For this “job” they have shifts available Monday through Friday, either mornings (9:00 am to 1:00 pm) or afternoons (1:00 pm to 5:00 pm). I would prefer the mornings. As a “Barn Buddy” I would spend 4 hours in the “petting” area with the pigs, goats, sheep, llamas, chickens, turkeys, peacocks and emu. Basically the job consists of petting them, hugging them, brushing them, talking to them....just pretty much letting them know they are loved. Ellie told me that someone will call me tomorrow to confirm I will be coming to the volunteer orientation on Tuesday morning, then I guess I will decide what days I will do my volunteering. After leaving The Gentle Barn, we headed over to some of the local pet stores to see if they had any adoptions today. At PetCo, there was this sweet Australian Cattle Dog named Dolly that I liked. She is only a year old, so still kind of in the “puppy stage”. They told me she is housebroken too. She loves to walk on her leash, so she would be great for a hiking partner, but I'm still not ready because I want to get some trips out of the way before I get a dog. It would not be fair for me to get a dog and then start traveling and have to board it. I want to be able to let a dog get used to me and it's new home and taking some small trips I would not be able to do that. Keith left to head home around 2:30. Hated to see him go. I emailed my brother Ron and told him Keith had just left and then the phone rang and it was Ron. He said that since Keith just left and I was alone, he thought he'd call me to talk and keep me company for a little while. So I had a pretty good weekend.