Kay's Day - 07/10/2011

Had a really bad night last night. Before I went to bed, I started crying and it was not just a "normal" cry it was a sobbing and not being able to breathe cry. Until you lose a spouse, you will never know what this kind of crying is. It causes your chest to hurt, it gives you a terrible headache and it just makes you feel sick. You cannot stop crying no matter what you do. I finally got to sleep around 11:30 pm or so. Tossed and turned all night, had strange dreams but Ben was not in them. Woke up very early and felt terrible, so went back to sleep and finally woke up around 7:00 am. Today is my brother Keith's birthday, so I got online and sent him a Happy Birthday Note. Got up and put my sheets and towels in the wash. Made myself breakfast and then once I put the laundry into the dryer, I went to buy Ben's lotto ticket and then I went over to the post office to send out a copy of his death certificate to one of our credit card accounts. Yesterday evening, I went online and contacted several of our credit card accounts to find out what I needed to do to have Ben's name taken off of the accounts. A few of them had answered me already and one said to send them a photo-copy of his death certificate, so I wanted to get that out in the mail. When I got back home I actually decided to deep clean my small bathroom. It made me feel pretty good that I finally got around to doing something a little "normal". Got the laundry out of the dryer and made the bed. After I finished I made lunch and watched a little TV. I had thought about going for a drive somewhere like Ben and I used to do on Sundays, but I had no idea where I wanted to go. When Ben was here, we'd just jump in the car and he'd just take off driving and we'd be gone for a couple of hours. Since I had no idea where to go, I decided to go outside and cut pack some of my flower beds, sweep the patio and pull some weeds on the slope to the north of our house. That took about an hour or so. Came back in the house and played a few games on the computer. Around 3:00 pm, my friend DeDee called to see how I was doing. We talked for about an hour. Now I'm sitting her watching "Ice Road Truckers" on the History Channel. I still don't feel very well after all the crying I did last night. My chest (or lungs) hurt from the sobbing and my head has been killing me.