Thoughtful Thursday

Not a good night last night. I went to bed at 11:00 but found myself thinking about Ben and eventually found myself in the living room crying and talking to his urn. I kept thinking of all he had to suffer through at the hospital and then he didn't survive. I kept thinking how unfair it was and how much I hated seeing him so weak with tubes up his nose, down his throat, in his veins, etc. I finally fell asleep around midnight but then I started dreaming. I do remember one dream and it was very strange. In the dream I had to go to the doctor for something, but the doctor was my attorney. The building where I had to go see her was very strange and there were a lot of people just wandering aimlessly around the halls. I remember in the dream that I saw a woman I used to work with many years ago walking down one of the halls and she seemed to be in some kind of a trance. Very strange. After breakfast, I drove over to Bridgeport and walked around the man-made lake. I did 1.94 miles. While walking around, I started to remember how when Ben was in the hospital, how he looked forward to my visits. It was funny because the nurses would tell me that before I got there, he'd ask them if I was coming and when would I get there. They said that when I'd leave in the afternoon, he'd act sad and then he'd act happy when I'd walk into his room every morning. I'd tease him and ask him if he missed me and he'd kind of look off into space with a quizzical look on his face like he was thinking about that question and then he'd roll his eyes and smile at me and say yes. He was always joking and teasing me. I miss that so much. Didn't really do much else today. I had lunch and watched my soap and then I watched a movie on FX called “Meet Dave”. It was a little strange but it kept me occupied.