Saturday With My Brother

My brother Keith is here with me for the weekend. It's always so nice to have him come and visit. I love the company and someone to converse with. We went over to the mall here in town and had lunch at “5 Guys Hamburgers”. I had never been to a 5 Guys and Keith kept telling me how good their burgers were and he was correct. After lunch we went over to the Apple Store and played around with the iPads for a little while and then walked around The Patios as the mall. Left there and came buy home to pick up our cameras and then headed over to Bridgeport Market Place to the duck pond. There were a lot of turtles there today. The ducks didn't like the hot weather and they kept trying to get into the shade. After we left there we drove over to Tesoro Adobe Historic Park. Ben and I had gone there on a Sunday last year and took the guided tour of the adobe, but Keith and I got there after touring hours today, so we just walked around the grounds. We might go for an early evening walk once the sun goes down a little. It didn't even get up to 90 degrees today, so it wasn't too bad outside.

Friday

Had trouble going to sleep again last night. Finally took a sleep aid pill around 1:00 am. I had turned the TV in the bedroom off but it was so quiet that I could not stand it, so I turned it back on but didn't watch it. Finally fell asleep with it on. Woke up around 5:30 am because I heard the TV, but I went back to sleep. Woke up again at 7:00 am and decided to get up. Went to Eyeglasses Direct to have them put some lenses with my new prescription into the frames of my “spare” eyeglasses. I cannot get by without my eyeglasses, so I must have 2 pair. After leaving Eyeglasses Direct, I went and got the 4Runner washed at the “quicky car wash”. I've always hated washing the 4Runner because it is so big. I need to take it somewhere soon and have it hand waxed as Ben did not get to do that this year. I don't mind washing my Corolla, so I might do that later today if it's not too hot outside. Eyeglasses Direct called me and said my glasses were ready (wow that was fast), so I went a picked them up. Guess with this economy, they are not very busy, plus I had my own frames so the did not have to order any. I wish I wasn't afraid to go hiking alone now. When Ben was alive and before I met Linda, I hiked alone for a couple of years because I had no one to go with me. I was never afraid to go alone back then. Of course Ben always worried about me while I was out. I would go hiking on the days that he had to work. I remember I would tell him as he left for work that I was going for a hike and where I was going. He always insisted that when I got to the parking area of the hike to call him, then to call him when I got back to the car after my hike and then to call him again once I got home. He'd always ask about how long the hike would take and if he didn't hear from me in a certain amount of time, he'd call me. He was always worried about me and always watching out for me. I think that's why I'm now afraid to go hiking alone. I feel that no one would know where I was in case anyone had to come looking for me. Looking forward to my brother Keith coming up this weekend. It will be nice to have company and a little conversation. I miss conversation.

Busy Morning Thursday

Did not have a good night. I started crying around 7:00 pm and this went on for about an hour. After I finally stopped, I felt exhausted. It's funny how that heavy sobbing can take everything out of you. I was trying to watch TV but got so sleepy that I finally went to bed around 9:15 and went right to sleep. But I did not get a good sleep because I had crazy dreams all night and I kept waking up about every hour or so. Just kept tossing and turning. Went to Wal-Mart and picked u a few things I had run out of. Went over to Costco and had them change the membership into my name and remove Ben from the membership. They told me I have a “second household member” free card if I need it, but that person MUST live at my address to take advantage of the card and she told me that they would have to prove that they lived at my address. They used to let you give it to any family member. I was going to give it to Keith or Ron, but since neither of them live with me I can't. Went up to Kohl's and used my free $10 gift card toward a new purse. Got a $40 purse for $13 and change because it was on sale for 45% off and the I got the extra $10 off. They had claimed we'd get up to 105 degrees here today but it only got up to 97 at my house.

This was sent to me by one of my online friends today. She lost her husband not long ago too.

"There are moments in life when you wish you could bring someone down from Heaven...and spend the day with them just one more time, give them one more hug, kiss them goodbye or hear their voice again. One more chance to say I Love you. In remembrance of our loved ones who are not here...gone but not forgotten.♥ "

Warm & Muggy Wednesday

This morning when I woke up, I was thinking that Ben was in the other room on the computer. I thought that was strange because yesterday at grief group, Pete, one of the members said that sometimes he wakes up thinking his wife is in the kitchen making coffee. I had to get up about an hour earlier than normal because I had to take my 4Runner over to the Toyota dealer for service. I hate doing this as it was “Ben's job”, but I think he would be proud of me knowing that I have taken over the things he used to do and that I'm getting them done and taking care of things. I was at the dealer for over an hour waiting for the car. After I left there, I had to go over to the Kaiser pharmacy and pick up my refills for my blood pressure meds. Sometimes I don't know why I bother taking them. I no longer have any trust or faith in Kaiser. I'm afraid now to go for my physical/colonoscopy/female exams with them next year. Brought the 4Runner home and then jumped in the Corolla and headed over to Sam's Club to pick up a few things. I actually got a hamburger patty out of the freezer this morning along with a hamburger bun to defrost for dinner. Maybe some of my brain is coming back. I think Ben took it with him. After lunch, I went up to Stater Brothers Market. I needed to get some soda and some ice cream because my brother Keith is coming to spend the weekend with me. When Ben was in the hospital, I quit eating ice cream. It has always been my “vice”. When we were told that Ben was not going to be able to have is “beloved beer” anymore, I decided I'd give up my ice cream to kind of “help him along”, showing him that we could both give up something we loved. I should not eat a lot of ice cream because of my cholesterol, but I don't care anymore, so I eat it whenever I want now. Very warm and muggy here today.

Tuesday Group & Lunch With Friends

Woke up this morning and realized that I don't remember crying even once yesterday. Almost lost it a couple of times when reminiscing with Ed and Linda, but I held it together. It almost makes me feel guilty that I didn't cry even though I hate those times that I sob so hard that it feels like I cannot breathe. Felt a little “hung over” this morning when I woke up. Don't know why because I did not take anything to help me sleep last night. Had my grief support group today. After the group, Group was good today. Had a lot of good interactive discussions. DeDee, Linda and I went to Hometown Buffet for lunch. We were there for about 2 ½ hours, then we went over to Kmart to pick up some things. Got home around 4:30. Tomorrow morning I have to take the 4Runner over to the dealer at 8:00 am for service (lube, oil & filter), so hope I get some sleep tonight since I have to get up a little early.

Monday With Friends

Did not sleep well last night. I stayed up to watch the rerun of the Hallmark movie that I fell asleep during on Saturday night. Went to bed around 11:00 but was wide awake so I took the laptop to bed with me. Got bored with that so watched a little TV until I finally fell asleep around 2:00 am after I took a sleep aid pill. Went outside this morning to fill the birdbath and water my plant and I noticed there was a soft cool breeze in the air. It felt a little like fall. Didn't feel like the warm breezes like we normally get in summer. According to the date, Ben has been gone 2 months today even though it was actually a Wednesday when he died. My friend Linda and I met Ben's best friend Ed at the Sizzler in Sunland, CA for lunch today. Ben and I used to meet Ed there at least every couple of months for lunch. After Ben died, Ed told me he wanted to keep up the tradition. Ed has taken Ben's passing very hard. Lunch was really nice. The last time Linda and I met with Ed was not long after Ben had passed away and I was very quiet that day, not contributing much to the conversation. I was feeling so low because having lunch with Ed just brought back how much more Ben was not there with us. Today I did much better. I almost lost it a couple of times when we'd talk about Ben, but I held it together. Very warm here today. When I picked up the mail I noticed that I got another $10 gift card from Kohl's, so I guess I'll be heading up there next week to look around. Got up to around 99 degrees.

A Good Sunday

Had a rough night when I went to bed last night. I had started to watch another Hallmark movie around 9:00 pm but fell asleep, so missed most of it. Gave up on it and went to bed around 10:00. Something just “hit” me and I started sobbing. I even started hugging Ben's pillow, which I have never done before. This went on for about 15 minutes until I finally got up and took a half pill of my sedative and that seemed to calm me down. I fell asleep around 11:45. Yesterday evening I got an email from my friend DeDee. She wanted to know if I'd like to meet her at the mall for lunch Sunday and then come back to my house with her laptop because she wants me to show her how to do some things on it. DeDee is also a widow and understands how lonely it gets and it was so nice of her to ask me to spend some time with her today. She knows that weekends are bad for me. Went and bought Ben's Lotto ticket and came home and washed my sheets and towels. I met DeDee at the mall around 11:00 and we had lunch at Dink's New York Diner then we walked over to Sears Optical where I picked up my new eyeglasses. DeDee came back to my house for me to give her some “lessons” on how Facebook works and a few other things on her computer. I was also trying to show her how her new camera works and how to import the photos from her SD memory card to the laptop, but her SD card reader on the laptop would not read the card. When we'd put it into the computer, it said the card was empty. When I put the card into my laptop, the photos were there. I told her she might need a new card reader if those can be replaced. It sure nice to have someone to spend my Sunday with. Made it bearable for a change. Thanks DeDee.

Solitude Saturday

Stayed up last night watching another free On Demand movie. This one was called “Murder 101 – College Can Be Murder”. It starred Dick Van Dyke. It was one of his movies where he played a college professor and he dabbled in solving crime. It was pretty good. I went to sleep about 20 minutes after I went to bed but kept waking up all night long. I just hope that some day, I'll get back to where I can sleep through an entire night again. Got up and made myself some pancakes for breakfast then I cleaned the smaller of my two bathrooms. A little after 11:30 am, my older brother Ron called me from Paradise, CA. He said he knows that weekends are bad for me so he called “just to talk”. That was sweet of him. After talking with him, I called to see if my new eyeglasses were ready for me to pickup and they told me they would be ready for me to pickup tomorrow after 11:00 am. Watched another free On Demand movie called “Thicker Than Water” with Melissa Gilbert and Lindsay Wagner. Had someone call me about the recumbent exercise bicycle I have for sale on Craig's List. Have posted it 3 times now. The first time I got one call for it and they left a message as I was not home. I called back and got their voice mail but they never called back. Now this one wanted me to deliver the bike but I told her that I do not have a way to deliver it, plus it would be too heavy for me to lift. She said she will try to see if she can find someone to bring her to my house and if she does, she will call me back. Had lunch. Made a tuna patty and warmed up the left over noodles I had for dinner last night. Looked at the TV schedule and see that there is a movie for me to watch tonight at 8:00 pm on ION Television called “3000 Miles To Graceland”. Will have to try to figure out what to have for dinner tonight. Probably just end up with a frozen dinner. Went online and made an appointment to have the 4Runner serviced on Wednesday morning. I hate having to maintain the vehicles. That was Ben's “job”. I took care of the house and the finances and he was supposed to take care of the vehicles and me.

I Made It Through Another Friday

Slept a little better last night but still had a few strange dreams. Don't remember any of them though. Got up around 7:15 am and had breakfast and then drove over to Central Park in Saugus and did a 1.5 mile walk. Came home and was out filling my birdbath and watering my plants and I noticed that the house behind me was having new flooring installed. Just then I flashed back to Ben and me sitting on the patio watching DVDs the day our new carpet was installed last year and the memory made me cry. Seems like “everything” makes me think of Ben and causes me to cry these days. I guess this is the “depression” stage of grief. I put a boneless chicken breast in my crock pot this morning and later I'll add a packet of “Grandma's Noodles” that I bought at the store the other day. When I was a little kid, my mom used to put chicken in a pot on the stove and then she would get out her Bisquick and make home made egg noodles. It was always one of my favorite “comfort foods”. The “Grandma's Noodles” are a pretty close second to those noodles my mom made. Had lunch and watched The Young & the Restless then I watched a free On Demand movie called “Final Days Of Planet Earth”. It was a strange movie about huge insects from outer space coming back to earth on a shuttle and taking over earth by using humans as their food source. But it kept my mind occupied. After the movie I went out to get my mail and noticed that it is humid outside. Now I face another long, lonely weekend.

Thoughtful Thursday

Not a good night last night. I went to bed at 11:00 but found myself thinking about Ben and eventually found myself in the living room crying and talking to his urn. I kept thinking of all he had to suffer through at the hospital and then he didn't survive. I kept thinking how unfair it was and how much I hated seeing him so weak with tubes up his nose, down his throat, in his veins, etc. I finally fell asleep around midnight but then I started dreaming. I do remember one dream and it was very strange. In the dream I had to go to the doctor for something, but the doctor was my attorney. The building where I had to go see her was very strange and there were a lot of people just wandering aimlessly around the halls. I remember in the dream that I saw a woman I used to work with many years ago walking down one of the halls and she seemed to be in some kind of a trance. Very strange. After breakfast, I drove over to Bridgeport and walked around the man-made lake. I did 1.94 miles. While walking around, I started to remember how when Ben was in the hospital, how he looked forward to my visits. It was funny because the nurses would tell me that before I got there, he'd ask them if I was coming and when would I get there. They said that when I'd leave in the afternoon, he'd act sad and then he'd act happy when I'd walk into his room every morning. I'd tease him and ask him if he missed me and he'd kind of look off into space with a quizzical look on his face like he was thinking about that question and then he'd roll his eyes and smile at me and say yes. He was always joking and teasing me. I miss that so much. Didn't really do much else today. I had lunch and watched my soap and then I watched a movie on FX called “Meet Dave”. It was a little strange but it kept me occupied.

Weepy Wednesday

Woke up around 6:40 this morning. Did not go to sleep until after midnight. I stayed in bed until about 7:30 and then got up and headed over to Wal-Mart to get some groceries that I had run out of. When I got out of the car to go into the store, the car door came back on me and hit my elbow. Now my elbow is swollen and bruised and my entire arm hurts now. I don't go on “normal” grocery shopping trips anymore. Ben and I used to do a huge grocery list and once a month, we'd go and really stock up on the non-perishables. Ben loved going to the grocery store. Now I just go and pick up what I've run out of. It's no fun going grocery shopping anymore. I'm in and out in about 15 or 20 minutes. Came home and had breakfast...bacon, eggs and toast. I know I'm supposed to watch my cholesterol intake but I just don't care anymore. I had a “cry” this morning. I started noticing stuff around the house that was Ben's, like his little electronic poker game and blackjack game, the zippered sweatshirt that he wore all the time when it was cool, which is still on the back of his chair where he left it in February. The cheap reading glasses he bought at The Dollar Tree. I still cannot wrap my brain around the fact that everything in this house, including the house and the vehicles, etc. are now “mine” and not “ours”. I cannot get it in my head that I alone, am responsible for everything now. I used to love my life. Now I HATE it. I would rather not have any of it and just have him back. Judy, the therapist who heads up my grief group gave us this quote yesterday ‎"You think that their dying is the worst thing that could happen. Then they stay dead." It is so true. Every time I go to do something that was Ben's “job” around the house, I just start sobbing. I went over to Sam's Club to get some things there that I needed and then came home and cried some more. After I watched my soap, I decided to go for a walk. It was about 82 degrees, so I didn't think it would be too hot. I only did 1.4 miles. I took my MP3 with me and wouldn't you know...as I'm listening to my music, “The Dance” by Garth Brooks comes on my MP3 and stupid me...instead of changing the music, I listened to it and there I was crying my eyes out while I was walking down the path. I was sitting on the sofa watching a rerun of “The Closer” around 3:15 pm and I fell asleep. Heard the trash truck out front and it woke me up.

Tuesday Group & Lunch Out

Slept a little better last night even though I didn't actually get to sleep until around midnight. I slept through most of the night. Had strange dreams, but once again, I did not remember any of them once I woke up. I do know though that Ben was not in any of them. I have not dreamt of him since right after he died. Watched a hummingbird at my feeder this morning while I waited for Linda to come to go to my Grief Support Group with me. The group was much smaller today. We were thinking that a lot of the people went to the Ventura Country Fair on the Senior Center Trip Bus today. Today was “Senior's Day” at the fair. Linda and I had originally planned to go today, but when we heard it was “Senior's Day” we changed our minds because we were thinking how crowded it would be with all of the senior centers taking busloads of people up there from all over. After the group, DeDee, Linda and I went to the pizza buffet for lunch. I'm starting to get a little “burned out” on the pizza, so I think next week, I may suggest we go elsewhere. On the way home, Linda and I stopped by Wal-Mart. My paper shredder “crapped” out on me this morning. Something inside of it broke. I was shredding something this morning when I was paying some bills and I heard a “thunk” noise and when I lifted the top off of the shredder there was something on the inside “rattling” around. I've had that shredder for about 5 years, so I decided it was time to get a new one. Wal-Mart had one on sale for $20. Came home and after Linda left, I gathered up my trash to put out for collection tomorrow and washed all of my waste baskets out really good. Got up into the low 90's here today but didn't feel that hot because there is a strong breeze blowing.

"Enjoyable" Monday

Well, I don't know what was wrong with me last night, but I could not go to sleep. Finally took a sleep aid pill around 1:30 am and I think I got to sleep around 2:00 am. Woke up around 4:30 am and realized TV was still on so I turned it off and went back to sleep until just before 7:00 am. Got up and made breakfast and waited for Linda to get here to go to the Ventura County Fair. She drove since I had not gotten much sleep. We got there just a few minutes after they opened. Was overcast the whole time we were there which was nice because it was about 15 degrees cooler there than it was in Santa Clarita. The fairgrounds is right on the beach, so that's why it stays cool there. We went through all of the exhibit buildings, had lunch at a chicken stand, checked out the livestock then went over into the fun zone to watch all of the young people on the crazy rides. I looked for the woman who is a friend of my friend Charlotte, but never did find her. She was supposed to be showing her goats at the fair. After we left the fairgrounds, we walked over to the beach and walked along the coast for a little while. Then we drove back up to Serra Cross Park to take some photos of the fairgrounds from there. Left there and headed home. There were a few times when Linda and I were talking about Ben and I cried, but all in all, it was a pretty good day. Even though I know that Ben will not be coming home from work around 5:00 pm for dinner, I still have that “inner clock” telling me that I need to get home before he does. It's a habit that is going to probably take me a long time to get out of.

Sunday On The Sofa

Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I took ½ of my Lorazepam pill to calm the anxiety that was starting to consume me. Around 9:45 pm, I started getting sleepy so I went to bed and I think I went to sleep just a little after 10:00. As usual, I turned the TV on to “replace” the sound of Ben's snoring. I woke up around 4:30 am and realized the TV was still on, but I fell right back to sleep without turning it off and stayed in bed until around 7:30. Got up and walked down to the local liquor store to buy Ben's Lotto tickets for Wednesday, came back home and had some waffles for breakfast then washed my sheets and towels. Noticed my hummingbird feeder was empty and that there was a little hummer hovering around it, so I went out and refilled it and also refilled the birdbath. Got an email from my friend DeDee telling me that she cannot go to the Ventura County Fair with Linda and me tomorrow because her house painters are not quite finished with the job and she wants to be there while they are there. I don't blame her. She too is a widow and I have found that widowhood makes you very protective of what you have left in your life. So it will just be Linda and me with the exhibits and the farm animals. Have to see if I can locate Sandy Van Echo who is a friend of my friend Charlotte Gemigniani. Sandy raises goats as does Charlotte and she is showing them at the fair. We will have to plan another outing with DeDee. I notice that it does not take much to make me cry these days. I don't think I cried as much when Ben first died. Now I cry every day, several times a day, and as I said, anything can trigger it. What a wasted day. Didn't really do anything all day but veg on the sofa and watch TV. But that's what I do most of the time now days.

Solitary Saturday

Stayed up watching TV last night until about 12:15 am. After I fell asleep, I think I didn't wake up all night except maybe once to go to the bathroom. Woke up around 6:30 and decided to get up and go for a morning walk. Did 1.84 miles. While walking, I cried a little because I remembered something Lanny (Ben's brother) had said at Ben's memorial. He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to Ben. No Lanny....Ben was the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me whole. I've been trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time getting back to walking every day like I did before Ben got sick and I think I finally came up with the reason. I always walked alone in the morning. Some days Ben went to work and I left for my walk when he left for work. On the days he was home, he'd see me off and then wait for me to come back home. On his work days, he would always tell me to call him when I got home from my walk. If I forgot to do that, he'd call in about 40 minutes to see where I was and he'd yell at me for not calling because he was worried something had happened to me. On the days he was home and I'd walk, if I was not back in a good amount of time, he'd jump in the car and come looking for me. He always wanted to know where I was walking so he'd know where to look. I think because I knew I had someone watching out for me that way, I was not afraid to go out walking alone. Now that he is gone, I feel that no one is here to watch over me and it kind of scares me to go out alone because I know how Ben was always worried about me being out there alone. After I met Linda and she started hiking with me, he told me how glad he was that I found someone to hike with because he never liked the fact that I was out in the canyons hiking alone all the time. Ben took good care of me. After lunch, I decided to go for a drive. Had no idea where to go, so I headed up Bouquet Canyon. Bad decision. The last time I was up in this canyon was with Ben on one of our Sunday drives. Plus he and I used to camp there when we were dating many years ago. All of the campgrounds up there are not gone, but the memories still flooded back just about the time my eyes flooded with tears. I took a few photos at the reservoir and then came back home.

Fruitful Friday

Slept pretty much through the night last night. Fell asleep around 11:30 and work up this morning around 6:30. Got up and by 7:10 am I was out for a 2.4 mile walk. It was nice and cool (around 60°) so it was a good walk. Came home and made a muffin/egg/ham/cheese sandwich for my breakfast. Did a load of laundry and then headed over to Stater Brothers to pick up some ice cream and some other stuff I needed. I am getting close to running out of the Lorazepam from when they gave it to me for anxiety when Ben first went into the hospital, so I emailed my doctor and asked if he could give me more. He emailed me back and said he put in a prescription for me to go pick up. He gave me half the dosage since I told him that I cut the pills in half because a whole pill makes me very drowsy and I cannot do anything when I'm like that. I don't like taking drugs, but I felt I needed something for my anxiety. My doctor also gave me a phone number for a counselor in Kaiser's Mental Health department in case I felt I needed professional health. I don't trust Kaiser anymore so I just told him that I'm going to a grief support group weekly at the senior center and that a family psycho therapist leads the group and he said that was fine as long as I was getting some kind of help. I went to my attorney's office after lunch and they went through all of my living trust, power of attorney and my health care directive with me to make sure I understood everything and then we signed, initialed and notarized all of the paperwork, so now my brothers will inherit everything and everyone will know that I'm not to be hooked up to life support if I'm brain dead and there is no hope for me to survive. They are still working on getting Ben's name off of my house deed and other investments. After I left Jane's office, I stopped by the Kaiser pharmacy and picked up the prescription for my sedative then stopped and put gas in the 4Runner and came home. Paid some bills and now I'm in front of the TV again with it on and me not paying much attention to it. The weekend is coming and you all know how bad those are for me. I'm hoping that maybe taking the sedative will help me get through it some.

Tearful Thursday

Every morning when I awake, Ben is the first thing on my mind. Mostly the fact that he is not here with me anymore. Something I see or do reminds me of him or something he would say and then my tears flow. Today I had to go for an eye exam to see if I need new glasses. They want me to come back in a month or so to have them dilate my eyes so they can check inside. I told them I have to see if I can find someone to drive me. Normally Ben would drive me to these exams because the doctor would dilate my eyes and I could not drive myself back home. I thought this morning about him not being here to take me and I cried. When our loved ones are here with us, we don't stop to think how much we depend on them for these little things in life and how they were the only person in the world we could depend on for everything. Then I remembered how Ben was having eye problems. He could not see out of his left eye anymore due to eye surgery he had last October, so eventually he would not have been able to drive. He never complained about having to go to the eye doctor at Kaiser every 6 weeks. Even his eye doctor told me after Ben died that some patients stood out in his mind and Ben was one of them because he said with all of Ben's eye problems and them having to give him injections in the eye and Ben having to use several eye drops all the time, that Ben always come into the office in a good mood and with a great sense of humor. He told me most of his patients whine and complain, but Ben never did. When I got home from the eye doctor and came into the empty house, I felt even worse. Every time I do something that we used to do together, I just hurt so much.

A Few Tears On Wednesday

Day started off not too bad. I'm sleeping a little better because I'm taking one of my sleep aids every night around 9:30 or 10:00 so I can go to sleep. Sometimes I still don't drift off until midnight, but I don't seem to be waking up all night long. I'm still waking up around 5:30 to 6:00 am so I'm still only getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep. Got up and made breakfast, then headed over to Target to pick up a flameless candle. My friend DeDee always laughs about her “shrine” she has in her bedroom for her late husband. Well I thought it was sweet, so I've started a “Ben Shrine”. I have it on my fireplace hearth in the living room. I consists of Ben's urn, a vase of flowers, his photo and now the flameless candle. After Target, I drove over to Kmart to see about getting a “bean bag” portable dash mount for my new GPS. I didn't want to mount it on the permanent windshield mount because people see that mount attached to the window and they break into your vehicle looking for the GPS. With the bean bag mount, I can take it off the dash and hide it in the trunk or wherever. When I was walking through the stores, I kept thinking how much a HATE my “new” life without Ben. There is such a large hole in my heart. Yes...you actually do physically feel a pain in the middle of your chest because of your heart being broken. While I was out, I tried my new GPS to see how it works. Worked good except I notice that the voice gets a little confused sometimes about if the final destination is located on the left or on the right. When I got home, I was looking for something in my bedroom closet and I happened to run across Ben's baseball mitt and baseball. He used to play baseball about 30 years ago when he worked at Cooper's Hardware Store and they had a team who played against other stores. Well all I had to do was see that mitt and the sobbing started. My brother Ron called me from Paradise, CA around noon. Was nice to hear from him. Hot here again today. I'll be glad when it cools down so I can start walking more and Linda and I can get out for some 
hikes.

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Therapeutic Tuesday

My brother Keith showed up at my door this morning. His job sent him here to Santa Clarita today to do a noise reading. I went to my Grief Support Group where I caught up with my friend DeDee. Had about 20 people there today and about 3 new people. Seems like every week we are getting more and more new members. There was one woman there who asked why she was still feeling so bad and not feeling like she was getting any better. She didn't tell us how long she had been widowed, but she said she thinks about nothing except for the fact that her husband is no longer here with her. I can kind of relate to that. One of the guys in the group said he could not get his head around the “why” his wife died. Judy, our therapist said it's not good to ask “why” because the answers we get will lead to more “whys”. Then he asked how long the “water works” will go on. Judy told him it's different for everyone. Keith did his day time readings for his work while I was at the group and then he met DeDee and me at Round Table Pizza for lunch. After we left the pizza parlor and DeDee headed home, Keith and I went out looking at GPSs. I did buy on at Wal-Mart and I hope I'll like it. I didn't want to pay a lot for one, so I got an inexpensive small one but it did come with the lifetime map updates. I will have to buy a AC charger for it as it only came with a car charger and a USB that plugs into the computer. Will have to go out and look for one of those this week. Linda and I had a hike planned for tomorrow, but she emailed me and said she was not feeling well so has asked that we reschedule. Keith will be with me until around 7:00 pm when he'll have to head back out to do his night time readings for his work and then he will head for home in Orange, CA.

Monday, Monday

Got out of bed around 7:00 am and the first thing I did was think of Ben not being here and I cried. I see in my bank account that Lockheed and Kaiser have now removed Ben from my health insurance plan so I will have more money on my pension check each month and I see that they also reimbursed me for the months of June and July when I had already paid for his health insurance premium. I would much rather have Ben than that extra money.

I guess now that I have the extra money, I will buy the GPS I've been thinking about buying and also I want to get a digital picture frame to put a lot of photos of Ben in. Decided to go over to WalMart and pick up a few groceries that I needed. I didn't take the time to look at the GPSs or the frames when I went there this morning. When I got home, I was sitting watching my soap opera and got up to go make my lunch and for a moment, I was thinking that Ben was at work and I wanted to call him, but then reality hit me that he is dead and I started sobbing again. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, but right now it just seems to be getting worse. I know it's because the numbness has worn off and the reality has set in. Around 1:00 pm I just had to get out of the house, so I headed over to Target to look at their GPS devices. The didn't have very many, so then I headed over to WalMart, who had even less. I then drove to Best Buy and they had a lot of them, but they were more expensive than either Target or WalMart. I did not buy one yet, but I did get to kind of play around with them. I did buy a 7” digital picture frame while I was at WalMart. Got it for $49. Was not really a very good day for me today. I just felt very anxious all day. Had not had the feeling of anxiety yet, today was the first time.

So So Sunday

Had to take a sleep aid again last night. I was awake until almost midnight. This morning when I woke up, I could not remember what day it was. Don't know why it would matter though since I have no reason to get out of bed anymore. When I finally did get up, I washed my sheets and towels, then I walked down to the local liquor store to buy Ben's Lotto ticket for Wednesday. So at least I got in a 1.9 mile walk today. I thought on the way home that I should start carrying a box of Kleenex with me everywhere I go because it seems like I start crying at the drop of a hat these days. I don't even need to have a reason to start the tears to flow. I finally got around to “cleaning” off my dining room table. I had a lot of the stuff from the mortuary and Ben's memorial sitting there. For now I just stuck it in a drawer, but I needed to get it off the table as I was getting so sad looking at it. One of these days I will feel up to cleaning/straightening closets and drawers, but not yet. Stayed inside most of the day. It stayed cloudy and overcast all day which was nice because it stayed cool outside. Had my front door and sliding door from the living room to the patio open all day until the A/C came on a little after 2:30 pm. Earlier I smelled wet pavement and noticed that a few large rain drops were falling, but that only lasted about 5 minutes. Uploaded some photos to my photo sites on the Internet to share with everyone. Most of my day was spent, as usual, messing around on my computer with the TV on in the background.

Sad To Say...I Hate Saturdays

I decided last night that I am not going to take a sleeping pill. I went to bed a little after 10:00 pm and went to sleep around 10:20 pm but did not sleep well. I tossed and turned all night. Woke up around 5:30 am. Got up around 6:30 am and by 7:30 am, I was on the road to Santa Paula for their Citrus Classic Hot Air Balloon Fest. I really need to give up on going every year. I've been going every year for about the past 4 years now and every time it is totally overcast and the balloons cannot lift off. So they just sit there on the ground, all inflated, for about a hour or so and then when they decide the sun is not going to burn off the clouds, they deflate the balloons. So what's the use? The city of Santa Paula should change the date of this festival to a time when they don't have the marine layer. So needless to say, by 9:00 am, I was back home. I'm really hating trying to drive with tears flooding my eyes. All the way home I was thinking about Ben and so I cried all the way home. Once I got here, I decided to go out and do some yard work to try to get rid of some of the stress. It may have been overcast about 30 miles towards the coast but it's a beautiful morning here in Canyon Country. I pulled weeds for about an hour. Didn't help the stress at all because Ben is on my mind from the time I wake up in the morning until I go to sleep at night. He is all I think about. After lunch, I just sat on the sofa all day with the TV on playing online computer games. I hate weekends so much. I do nothing but cry on the weekends. You would think that I would eventually run out of tears, but they just keep coming. There are times that I start thinking about the reality that I have to live the rest of my life without Ben and that I will never see him or hear his voice again and I totally feel like I am going to lose my mind. It all seems so unreal and so impossible. How can the person I loved more than life itself be gone? This has already been a very long day.

Friday With My Friend

Well I slept pretty good another night but I'm afraid it's because I've been taking the sleep aid pills. I don't want to get where I depend on them to help me sleep. I went to bed at 10:00 last night and went to sleep almost right away and I slept through the entire night again. I remember having strange dreams but when morning comes, I don't remember what the dreams were. I'm thinking the sleep aid may be causing the strange dreams even though it is just an OTC that I buy at Wal-Mart. It's their own brand. I was sitting on the sofa this morning thinking about the lonely weekend approaching and I remember how one of my “widow friends” that I met online made the comment about how she hates the entire concept of widowhood. She said “the whole thing totally sucks”. How often do I repeat those words? There really is no other way to describe it. When you shared your life with that very special person and suddenly they are removed from your life, the emptiness is so overwhelming. I kept wondering if Ben and I had ever had children and they were in my life right now, would I still feel this way. But as I have discovered from my widow friends who do have children and grandchildren, they still feel that total emptiness. It's something no one can understand until they go through it personally. I was so glad that Linda emailed me and said she was going over to Sam's Club and Wal-Mart this morning and said I could ride over with her if I wanted something to do. These days I'll jump at anything anyone offers so I don't have to stay home alone all day. She picked me up a little after 10:00 am. She was trying to upgrade her phone at Sam's but has to wait for something on her contract to get fixed before they can upgrade her, so then we went over to Wal-Mart for her to exchange a blouse she had bought. After that, she asked if we could go to lunch somewhere, so we ended up going to Dinks New York Deli which is the place DeDee took me last week. After lunch, we walked around The Patios and ended up going into the new Apple Store to ask a few questions about the iPads. She dropped me back by home around 1:30 pm. Linda's son and his family are coming up to visit her this weekend, so she booked a couple of rooms over at La Quinta Inn and she is heading over there later this afternoon to be with them. I paid some bills and then gave myself a haircut with my Flowbee. I always feel sad when I do that now because I used to always give Ben a trim with it before I would cut my hair.

My Thursday

Had a pretty good night's sleep again last night. I took a sleep aid pill around 10:00 pm, watched “Hot In Cleveland” and “Happily Divorced” and then went to bed. Fell asleep in about 15 minutes. Had strange dreams all night, but I don't remember what they were about. I actually slept through the entire night too. Woke up around 6:15 am, but stayed in bed until about 7:30 am. Got up and went for a morning walk. Did 1.4 miles which isn't really very much, but at least I got out. Came home and had breakfast then I mopped my kitchen, entry, small bathroom and my laundry room. While they were drying, I went to get Ben's Lotto ticket for Saturday and then went over to Wal-Mart. I needed to get some door mats. When I came home, I called the main office for my community to talk with them about taking Ben's name off the lease. I called them Monday but the woman I was supposed to talk to was not there and I was told she would call me back, but she never did, so I called again and got her this time, but she seemed a little confused about what was needed to take Ben's name off of the lease, so I told her after I get a copy of my trust and the name change papers for the house that I will come over to the office in person and work with her. She also could not understand why the lease bill comes with ONLY Ben's name on it since my name is also on the lease. She said it should have been coming in both names. Hopefully it will be taken care of soon. I swept my front porch and my patio and noticed it was getting pretty warm. Came back into the house and watched my soap and had my lunch. My wonderful friend Mary Lou Voils who I worked with me for many years at Lockheed and who now lives in Virginia called me in the afternoon to see how I'm doing. She and Ben loved each other so much. The rest of the day I just vegged on the sofa and watched TV.

Wednesday Was Pretty Good

Actually got sleep last night. I took a sleep aid around 9:45 pm before I watched “Hawthorne”. Went to bed at 11:00 PM and went to sleep around 10 or 15 minutes after my head hit the pillow. Woke up a couple of times during the night but was able to go back to sleep. I woke up around 5:30 am but dozed off again. Turned on the morning news at 6:00 am and got out of bed at 7:00 am. Linda and DeDee got here around 9:00 am and we headed up to Ventura, CA. We first went to a park high on a hill looking over the city of Ventura and the Pacific ocean. Took a few photographs there, then headed down into town. We walked down Main Street and checked out a few thrift stores then we went to a 50's Diner called The Busy Bee. After lunch the sun had finally popped through the clouds so we drove back up to the park on the hill again to see if we could get some better photos as it had been overcast when we went there in the morning. Then we drove over to Ventura Harbor Village and walked around there for awhile. The harbor is across the street from the beach, so we went over there and walked down to the breakwater. On the way home, we stopped in Fillmore, CA at their railroad station and City Hall to walk around some and then we stopped by the Fillmore Fish Hatchery to check out the wetlands and take some photos of some herons. Got back home around 4:30 pm. All in all, it was a pretty nice day with my good friends. The only thing that I kept thinking about was that I felt like Ben was at work and I was just out with friends for the day and that Ben would be home from work around 5:00 pm. Then when I came into the empty house, reality came back.

Today Is Tuesday

Could not go to sleep at all last night. After I watched “Rizzoli & Isles”, I went to bed at 11:00 pm. Turned on the TV in the bedroom like I always do because I've gotten to where I cannot go to sleep without it on because it's just too quiet in the room without Ben's snoring. I was channel surfing for about 30 minutes then decided to turn the sound way down to where I could just barely hear it and tried to roll over and go to sleep, but it didn't work. I kept tossing and turning and finally got up and came into the living room and turned on the TV in here around 1:30 am. Watched 2 episodes of “The Golden Girls” and then tried to go to sleep again. By now it was 2:30 am and I still could not go to sleep. My eyes were so tired and were burning. I finally took a couple of Tylenol because I was getting a headache and about 15 minutes later, I fell asleep. Woke up around 4:30 am and went back to sleep for about an hour then woke up again. Laid there staring at the ceiling, so I finally turned on the morning news. Stayed in bed until a little after 7:00 am. Got up and had breakfast, then waited for Linda to get here to go over to the Grief Support Group. DeDee didn't go to the group today as she is helping a friend pack to move. Like last week, the group was very crowded and we had a couple of new faces again. I was hoping I didn't fall asleep because I was just so tired from only getting about 2 hours of sleep. Also had a bad headache from lack of sleep. After the group, Linda and I went to have lunch and then headed home. She had to get home a do some laundry. When I got home, I found a package on my front porch. It was a sympathy from my friend Candi and her husband. It was full of “comfort foods” which is exactly all that I am eating now. It was so sweet of them to send it. I am trying to sell an Recumbent Exercise Bike and a 36” Exercise Trampoline and I had put it on Craig's list yesterday. Had a voice message on my phone when I got home, so I called the person back and got their voice mail. Tonight I'll watch “Hawthorne” on TV before I try to get some sleep.

Mostly OK Monday

Started getting extremely sleepy last night around 9:30 pm. Went to bed around 10:00 pm with the TV on but I think I went right to sleep for once. Tossed and turned most of the night and woke up around 5:30 am, but stayed in bed until almost 7:00 am. Even though I knew I had things to do today, I just did not want to get up and face yet another day without Ben. Since the memorial is now over, I seem to feel worse. I need to find out from some of my widowed friends online if this is a “normal” feeling. Maybe it's because I've just closed the first chapter of my widowhood and now I am starting the next chapter. I was crying quite a bit before, but now I cry over the stupidest little things. I went to Wal-Mart this morning to pick up a few things that I've run out of. I took one of my cloth Wal-Mart reusable bags in to carry my groceries out. As I was walking out the door, the bag tore and my groceries fell on the ground. A nice young man who was entering the store came over and helped me pick my stuff up. Thank goodness I only had a few things in the bag. I got into the car and I just started crying because of that damn bag. When Ben was alive, that would have been a “funny thing” that I would have called him about and shared with him because he would have been at work today. We would have laughed about it and that would have been the end of it. But he is not there for me to call and when I thought of that, I just started sobbing. It is hard to drive your car when your eyes are full of tears and you cannot stop crying. That's what I mean about crying over the stupidest little things. Now that the numbness of his death has worn off and the memorial is over, I feel all of the sadness and the pain. After Wal-Mart I hung out at home awhile. I filled my birdbath, watered my plants and filled my hummingbird feeder, then went over to get my cleaning deposit back from the community office for the clubhouse we used for the memorial/life celebration. After that, I headed over to Sam's Club to pick up some things I needed there. Got back home and put things away, then I called the corporate office of our community to see if the woman I need to talk to about my land lease was there. She wasn't, so I left a message to have her call me. I need to have Ben's name removed from the lease and have mine on it. I was going to watch my soap and then make lunch when my brother Ron called me and we talked for awhile. I'm glad he calls me now and then to see how I am doing. Right after I hung up, my friend Karren called me to see how I am doing. We talked for about 45 minutes. I finally got around to making my lunch around 1:00 pm. Since my house had not been cleaned in months, I dusted a couple of weeks ago but had not vacuumed, so decided I'd better to that, so finally got the vacuum out this afternoon. When I went into my bedroom to move things off the floor so I could vacuum, I picked up Ben's shoes that are still on the floor on his side of the bed and I immediately started sobbing/wailing. Cried the entire time I vacuumed. Also the bag of his clothes that I brought home from the hospital on the night of February 28 when he had his first surgery is still on the floor next to the rocking chair in the bedroom and I cried when I picked that up too. I just do NOT feel like doing anything with his clothes right now, so they will just stay in that bag on the floor. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched my soap (I always record it just in case) and I've been watching re-runs of “The Closer” and “Ghost Whisperer”. Tonight I will watch new episodes “Eureka”, “The Closer” and “Rizzoli & Isles”. When I watch my TV shows, it helps keep my mind occupied for a few hours until I have to force myself to go to bed. So that was my day. Hope all of you had a good one.

Sunday Afternoon Sadness

My nephew Matt just left to go back to Paramount, CA to his girlfriend's parents house. They will spend the night there and leave to head back to Paradise, CA tomorrow. I started to cry as he was ready to climb into his truck and leave. I'm so glad he stayed here last night after the memorial. After being with all of my friends and family yesterday, I would have felt very lonely last night if I had to face an empty house. It was nice to have his company.  I could not get to sleep last night even thought Matt noticed I kept nodding off while he and I were sitting on the sofa watching TV around 10:00 to 11:00 pm. Went to bed at 11:00 pm and turned on the TV. Could not go to sleep so around midnight, I got up and took a sleeping pill. Went to sleep around 12:30 am. Woke up around 5:30 am, but dozed off and on until around 6:45 am, so I just got up. Matt got up a little bit later. We went over to the Placerita Nature Center. I wanted to show Matt some of the areas I hike. Left there and went up by Vasquez Rocks County Park and then back home. Stayed there for awhile then went to lunch at Weinerschnitzel. After lunch we drove around town. I drove him by a couple of my other hiking areas. Hoping that soon he will be able to come and stay with me a few days and he and I can do some hiking, maybe in the fall or spring when the weather is not so hot. Then we drove up by Castiac Lake and then home. He left a little after 4:00 pm. So now I face the empty house on a lonely Sunday evening/night. Need to decide what I am going to have for dinner in awhile.

Made It Through The Memorial

Actually fell asleep around 11:00 pm last night so I got some sleep. Linda got here around 9:00 am and we got the keys for the clubhouse and headed over there to start setting up everything. My friend Sandi showed up to help us set up the tables, chairs, etc. Everything went very smoothly. We had about 50 people…friends, relatives, etc. Linda and some of my other friends took care of all of the food preparations and Linda's boyfriend Manny grilled the beef and chicken. It was delicious. Could not believe all of the food we had and everything was so good. After the guests arrived, my brother Keith and a couple of his friends played music and Keith sang. I had asked Keith to sing "The Dance" as I felt it was perfect for the occasion and he also sang "Annie's Song". Keith talked about his memories of Ben as did my friend Linda, Ben's brother Lanny, Ben's sister Donna, my niece Stephanie and Ben's nephew Matt. Keith spoke of how God originally never intended for humans to die, but then when Adam and Eve ate the apple, "death" became a reality and part of "life". Then we ate and as I said, the food was delicious and everyone enjoyed themselves. I'll admit that I cried some when Keith sang "The Dance". I loved the stories that Lanny and Donna told about when they grew up with Ben. There were even a few that I had never heard before. My nephew Matt came down from Paradise, CA to attend the memorial and he is staying with me tonight so I don't have to be alone. He said he thought I probably would not want to be alone after the memorial and he was right. All in all, it all went very well. Thanks to my brother for all that he did today and to all of my friends and family who showed up at the memorial. I love you all.

Busy Friday

Did not get to sleep last night until about 1:15 am. I'm told it's called "grief induced insomnia". Got up early because Linda was coming by at 7:45 am to follow me over to the Toyota dealer so I could get my car fixed and checked out. She was going to drive me back home, but as it turned out, the service advisor told us we could wait as it would only take about an hour. Once I told him why I was there, he said this is a common occurrence. He said that the "splash plates" under the engine have plastics fasteners and when something hits them, they snap off and since my plate was still there and would not have to be replaced it would not take long. So the put new fasteners and checked out to make sure there was no other damage and in an hour and $49.00 later, I was out of there. I was relieved it was ONLY $49.00. Brought Linda's car back to my house and then went by Home Depot get a sprinkler part I needed then went by Wal-Mart and then headed over to a thrift shop in Newhall where Linda wanted to donate some clothing. Went to Costco to pick up the chicken thighs for the memorial tomorrow. Came back to my house and I sat on the sofa and cried for about 30 minutes as Linda listened to me talk about Ben.  Then we decided where we wanted to go for lunch. Ended up at Arby's. After lunch we went by the store and got some bags of ice for the memorial. Came back to my house to make sure we had everything we need for tomorrow. We were going to go out for a ride and take some photos, but just ended up staying at my house. Linda left a little after 2:00 pm and I did a load of laundry. People keep asking me if I'm "looking forward" to the memorial tomorrow because it is to celebrate Ben's life, but no, I am not looking forward to it. I am looking forward to seeing friends and family, but not to the sobbing I know I will do. Linda keeps telling me that tomorrow I am NOT to worry about the food or anything else. She said my job is to just greet everyone at the door. She knows me too well. She knows I am the type who would be trying to "supervise" everything. But I know it's all in good hands with her taking care of it. I just feel like tomorrow is the "beginning of the end" and that bothers me some.

OK Thursday

Cried some this morning. There are some days that my eyes just seem to "leak" and won't stop. DeDee showed up a little after 10:30 am. We went to Sam's Club and she bought a small digital camera. I need to "train" her on how to use it (LOL). After Sam's, we went out to lunch at a place I'd never been. It's called Dinks New York Deli and is located in our mall. DeDee bought my lunch and it was very good. We spent a little longer than we expected having lunch and talking, then headed over to my house for me to start helping DeDee learn how to use her camera. The battery was not charged, so we didn't get very far. We have planned for her to come to my house a week from Saturday for me to help her learn how to use it and how to upload the photos to her computer, etc. She left to go home around 4:30 pm. Tomorrow I have to get up and be ready to get my car over to the Toyota dealer by 8:00 am to see if they can fix the thing under my car. Now I feel "alone" again and I need to decide if I'm going to have anything for dinner. We had 1/2 sandwich and a salad for lunch and the sandwich was as big as a whole one, so I'm not really that hungry.

Wednesday Woes

I could not go to sleep last night and finally ended up taking a sleep aid pill around 12:30 am and went to sleep around 1:00 am. Woke up a little after 6:30 am and got up. Had breakfast and turned on the TV for awhile. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up around 10:15 am and realized that Linda would be here soon. We were going to lunch with DeDee and Judy in Burbank. We met them over by our Stater Brothers market and I drove down to the valley. As we were going down the freeway, I was about 6 car links behind a flatbed big rig and he ran over a piece of tire which came down in the road right in front of me and I could not avoid hitting it. We went to lunch at Fuddruckers then decided to drive around a little and look at some of our old stomping grounds when we worked at Lockheed when it was still in Burbank. Got home around 2:30 pm or so. I decided to look under the front of my car to see if everything looked OK, but I see where there is a piece of plastic that was knocked loose and is "dangling" under the car. I made an appointment with the Toyota dealer on Friday morning to take the car over to see if they can fix it or replace it and check to see if there was any other damage. Taking the cars to be fixed for stuff like this was always Ben's job. I miss him not being here to help me with these kinds of things.

Grief Group Tuesday

Linda came by a little after 9:00 am to drive me over to the senior center for my Grief Support Group. DeDee met us there. Had a very large group today, maybe about 20 to 25 people or so, with about 3 or 4 new people. Had a lot of good conversation in the group today. What's good is that Judy, the therapist who leads the group, always gets us to laugh. I find that very helpful. It's nice to see that these people who are living the worst experience in their lives can still laugh. There are certain people who ask a lot of questions or have a lot to talk about, then there are others who just sit there and never say a word. But we all have a common bond. Seems like more men are coming to the group now. There were at least 7 of them there today and it's nice to see that they are able to open up and share their grief with everyone. After the group, Linda, DeDee and I hit our normal pizza parlor for the lunch buffet. We didn't stay quite as long today because I had to get home so that I'd be here for my handyman when he comes by to install my ceiling fan on the patio. He should be here in a little while. So far I have had a pretty good day. I cried some this morning before Linda got here, but that was because I had an online friend email me and say "I hope you have a lot of photos of Ben for his memorial on Saturday". Well, I have a lot of photos, but they are not printed out. I came up with the idea to put a bunch of photos on a flash drive and take one of my laptops to the memorial on Saturday and put the slideshow from the flash drive on the computer to run continuously during the memorial. I downloaded about 90 photos of Ben, some of Ben and myself.

OK Monday - So Far

Went to bed around 11:00 last night and went to sleep in about 30 minutes. Kept waking up all night long. Woke up around 6:45 am and thought about staying in bed but forced myself to get up and decided to go out for a morning walk. I did 2.4 miles. The weather was pretty nice as it was still in the 60's at that time. When I got back  home, I made breakfast. After breakfast, I decided to go out and pick up a few things I needed at the grocery store then went over to Wal-Mart. I needed a few things there too and had been thinking about getting a Brita Filter Water Pitcher for awhile and saw that they had one on sale, so I picked it up. Hope it improves the taste of my water. My brother Ron called me not long after I got home. Watched my soap and had my lunch. Kept "thinking" about vacuuming the carpet, but never got around to it. Today's is Ben's sister's birthday, so I sent her an email to wish her a "happy birthday" even though I knew it was not really a happy one for her. I told her that I don't know how I am going to make it through the memorial on Saturday. We've been planning it for about a month, but now that it is almost her, I'm scared. I am not looking forward to it much because it kind of brings an "end" to things and that frightens me. I don't know how I'm going to hold it all together on Saturday

My Sunday

Last night I really had a bad night. Did a lot of sobbing/wailing, being very mad at God because He took Ben from me. Went to bed around 10:00 pm but could not go to sleep. I think I finally went to sleep around 1:30 am. Got up around 7:45 am and had breakfast and washed my sheets and towels. Then I went out and washed both of my vehicles. They were both filthy. When I was done doing that I decided I'd head for Kohl's since I had received a $10 gift card from them. When Ben was in the hospital, I received a couple of those cards but was not in the mood to go shopping, so I had given the cards to my friend Linda to use. I'm still not really in that much of a mood to shop, but I thought it might help keep my mind occupied. On the way to Kohl's, I stopped a bought Ben's Super Lotto ticket. Did good at Kohl's. I found 2 nice T-shirts for $5.99 each, so with the card, they only cost me $2.15 out of pocket. After I left Kohl's, I headed over to Target to look at their discount racks, but found nothing, then I drove by PetSmart to see if they had the adoption dogs there, but they were not there yet. I assume they come later in the day. Came home and made my bed and put the towels away. Made lunch and watched a little TV. Checked out Facebook and noticed it was "National Ice Cream Day" and remembered I was almost out of ice cream. I had given up ice cream when Ben was in the hospital, but after he died, I started eating it again because it "gives me a little comfort". Seems like all I am eating is "comfort foods" which are not really good for me, but they are easier to make for just one person. I headed over to the market and picked up a couple half-gallons of ice cream. When I got home, I decided to dust everything in the house. I had not dusted in over 5 months, so everything was covered in 2 or 3 layers of the stuff. Thought about going for a walk, but by then it was in the mid-90s outside so it was too hot. Thought about going for a drive to take photos somewhere, but just cannot think about where to go. As I had said before, when Ben was alive, he would want to go for a drive every Sunday, but he usually drove and he would just jump behind the wheel of the car and head out aimlessly. I don't like to do that by myself. So I've just been sitting on the sofa watching HGTV and playing online computer games. I've had a slight headache most of the day. Probably from lack of sleep.

Kay's Day - 07/16/2011

As usual, I didn't get to sleep until about midnight. Even though I go to bed around 10:00 am, I just lay there awake. Got up around 7:00 am and headed over to the Home Depot and bought an indoor/outdoor ceiling fan/light for my patio. Came back home and did a load of laundry and deep cleaned my master bathroom. Went online and answered email and checked out Facebook, then I turned on the TV and watched some of the home improvement shows on HGTV. That's about all I watch most of the day, every day. Had my lunch and then my handyman came by and fixed my sprinkler siphon. He told me he will come back on Tuesday after he gets off work here in the community and install the fan on the patio. Decided to watch a movie on a DVD. Now it's just a little after 4:00 pm and I just had a crying jag. I got to thinking how Ben would be coming home in about 45 minutes if he had been at work today. God I miss him so much.

Kay's Day - 07/15/2011

Today it is one month since Ben passed away. I was afraid it would be a very hard day for me, but so far so good. My brother Keith had spent the night since he had to do some sound readings for his job. He and I headed over to the Caregiver's Support Group at the senior center this morning and Linda met us there. After the group, we went to lunch and then Linda had to go pick up here eye glasses, so Keith and I headed by to my house. Keith left for home and I wanted for Linda to come by to go to my appointment with my attorney with me. We were going to give her the information to set up my Trust, Health Directive and Power Of Attorney. Also she is going to have her paralegal get Ben's name removed from the house. I've done just about all of the other changes, only have a few left, so that was the main thing I wanted them to help me with. I go back to see her on August 5th to sign all of the papers for my Estate Planning. Now I am waiting for my handyman to come by. One of my sprinkler siphon valves is not working right and I need him to put a new one in for me. Also want to ask him about putting an outdoor ceiling fan with a light on my patio so I can start using it more. Ben as never real big about sitting out on the patio, but when the weather is nice, I like to go out there with my computer, or when Keith comes over, we like to go out there and sit in the evenings. Not looking forward to the weekend because they seem to be hard on me, but I'm going to try to stay busy if I can. I need to do some housework and wash the cars.

Kay's Day - 07/14/2011

There was a thick marine layer today that kept the sun from coming through the clouds, so it was a perfect day for a summer hike…not too hot and no worry about rattlesnakes. Linda came by to pick me up around 7:30 am and we headed over to Placerita Canyon. My brother Keith and I had just hiked there about a week and a half ago, but he and I only did 2 miles. Linda and I did the entire Canyon Trail which is 4.5 miles in and back. When we got there, we were the only hikers, but we started running into more people on our return trip. After our hike, Linda dropped me off at home so I could change clothes and Linda went home to change clothes, then she came back and picked me up to go have lunch and then we came back to my house to put some of Ben's ashes into the little boxes I had bought for Ben's brother and sister. We also put the remainder of Ben's ashes in the urn I bought for him on Costco.com. Then we took the locks of hair the mortuary had cut for me and I put them in frames with my favorite photo of Ben. I got a frame for myself and one each for Ben's brother and sister. My brother Keith had some field work for his job here in Santa Clarita today, so he came by just while Linda and I were busy with the ashes and locks of hair, had his lunch and then headed out for his field work. Linda left a little after that, but Keith will be back here when he gets his work done and he will have dinner with me and stay the night. It will be nice to have some company here tonight.

Kay's Day - 07/13/2001

Didn't do much today. Last night I took a sleep aid tablet around 12:00 midnight. Stayed up until 11:00 pm watching "Hawthorne". Woke up around 6:15 am but was still very sleepy, so I went back to bed and slept until around 8:15 am. Got up and made breakfast, then my brother Ron called me. After that I went over to Wal-Mart to pick up a few groceries. Had one of those drives where a song came on the radio called "I Still Miss You" and my eyes filled up with tears, but I just could not change the station. Every song I hear reminds me of Ben somehow. When I see older couples out together, I think of Ben and think "why isn't he here with me?" He is on my mind every minute of every day. They tell me at my grief group that this is very "normal". I'm told that one day, he won't be on my mind constantly. He'll be in my memory but not every waking minute. When I got back from Wal-Mart, I called and made an eye exam appointment for myself then I went out and filled my birdbath and watered my potted plant. Watched my soap and had lunch. Linda called and said she had stopped by Stater Brothers and picked up some bottles of soda for the memorial and she wanted to bring them by and put them in my closet. Played a few video games on my laptop. My brother Keith emailed and said he is coming up to Santa Clarita tomorrow to do a sound study for his work so he will be here in the afternoon and is planning on spending the night with me and then he will head home sometime on Friday. It will be nice to have some company during the evening.

Kay's Day - 07/12/2011

Had a hard time staying asleep last night. I stayed up until 11:00 pm watching TV and tried to go to sleep after that. Wasn't sleepy, so I tried to do a little reading, but only got through about 3 or 4 pages. Turned the TV in the bedroom on, but nothing was on, so I turned it off and tried to go to sleep around 12:00 midnight. It was too quiet, so I turned the TV back on. Finally fell asleep, but kept waking up about every 45 minutes to an hour and looking at the clock. I kept thinking I had been asleep for a long time, but it was just a few minutes each time. I was having strange dreams, but Ben was not in any of them. I don't remember any of the dreams now. Woke up around 5:30 am and tried to go back to sleep but couldn't, so I turned on the news at 6:00 am and got up around 7:00 am. Fixed a bowl of cereal and then went online and took care of a couple more of the credit card accounts with Ben's name on them. Linda came by around 9:00 am and we headed over to the senior center for the Grief Support Group. DeDee showed up about 15 minutes after we got there. Had a really good group today. Several new people and a lot of good conversation and information. After the group, Linda, DeDee and I went to Round Table Pizza for their lunch buffet. Seems to be our once a week place now. Got home about 45 minutes ago.

Kay's Day - 07/11/2011

Didn't get to sleep until 12:00 pm last night. I had taken 1/4 of one of my Ativan pill to try to "take the edge off". Usually they knock me out and put me to sleep, but last night it didn't help me sleep at all. It did keep me calm though so I didn't have a major crying jag. Got up around 7:00 am and made breakfast. Went to pick Linda up around 10:15 am and we headed over to the dedication for the new Haskell Canyon Open Space. Took some photos there then left and came by my house to get some stuff together that I wanted to give to the Goodwill. One of the items, they did not want to take, so we took it over to the Salvation Army and they took it. Then we went to lunch before heading up to Acton to pick up Linda's camera that she had left at my friend Marce's house last week. Took the "scenic route" going up and coming back instead of taking the freeway. On the way home we stopped at a little TV/Movie Set in Soledad Canyon in Acton. Took more photos there. I dropped Linda back home around 2:30 pm and headed home. I hate coming home to an empty house. I told Linda that it's like I feel Ben is at work and she and I are out running around like we did back when he was alive and that I'll come home and around 5:00 pm he will pull into the driveway, home from work and ready for dinner. Then reality sets in and I remember that he's never coming home again. I went up and got the mail and had received a sympathy card from my dear friend Mary Lou Voils whom I have known for 43 years. Mary Lou is in her mid-80's now. She worked with me at Lockheed for many years and she was the first person to speak to me on my first day I started working there. She just loved Ben and he loved her too. She now lives in Virginia but when she used to live in Burbank, CA Ben and I would go over and pick her up and take her to lunch at Fuddruckers for a hamburger. Anyway, I opened the card and she had put a little note in it telling me how bad she feels about him dying and there was also a small envelope inside the card. I opened the envelope and there was a $100 bill inside. I just started crying my eyes out. Once I calmed down, I immediately got on the phone and called her to thank her and tell her she did not have to do that. She said that she loved Ben and I so much that she just felt like she had to do something and she didn't know what else to do. She told me to use it toward the memorial or anything else I needed it for. I was on the phone with her for about 10 minutes and I cried the entire time I was talking with her. I have such wonderful friends.

Kay's Day - 07/10/2011

Had a really bad night last night. Before I went to bed, I started crying and it was not just a "normal" cry it was a sobbing and not being able to breathe cry. Until you lose a spouse, you will never know what this kind of crying is. It causes your chest to hurt, it gives you a terrible headache and it just makes you feel sick. You cannot stop crying no matter what you do. I finally got to sleep around 11:30 pm or so. Tossed and turned all night, had strange dreams but Ben was not in them. Woke up very early and felt terrible, so went back to sleep and finally woke up around 7:00 am. Today is my brother Keith's birthday, so I got online and sent him a Happy Birthday Note. Got up and put my sheets and towels in the wash. Made myself breakfast and then once I put the laundry into the dryer, I went to buy Ben's lotto ticket and then I went over to the post office to send out a copy of his death certificate to one of our credit card accounts. Yesterday evening, I went online and contacted several of our credit card accounts to find out what I needed to do to have Ben's name taken off of the accounts. A few of them had answered me already and one said to send them a photo-copy of his death certificate, so I wanted to get that out in the mail. When I got back home I actually decided to deep clean my small bathroom. It made me feel pretty good that I finally got around to doing something a little "normal". Got the laundry out of the dryer and made the bed. After I finished I made lunch and watched a little TV. I had thought about going for a drive somewhere like Ben and I used to do on Sundays, but I had no idea where I wanted to go. When Ben was here, we'd just jump in the car and he'd just take off driving and we'd be gone for a couple of hours. Since I had no idea where to go, I decided to go outside and cut pack some of my flower beds, sweep the patio and pull some weeds on the slope to the north of our house. That took about an hour or so. Came back in the house and played a few games on the computer. Around 3:00 pm, my friend DeDee called to see how I was doing. We talked for about an hour. Now I'm sitting her watching "Ice Road Truckers" on the History Channel. I still don't feel very well after all the crying I did last night. My chest (or lungs) hurt from the sobbing and my head has been killing me.

Kay's Day - 07/09/2011 - Very Boring

Not much to tell you about my day today. Went to bed at 10:00 pm last night, woke up very early. Don't remember what time it was. Went back to sleep and didn't wake up again until 7:00 am. Got up had breakfast, washed my clothes for the week. Cried a little. Have been doing nothing but messing around on the computer ALL day. Have the TV on, but have not been paying much attention to it. After the gardener left, I went out and filled up my hummingbird feeder. Had lunch. Cried some more. Back to playing games on the computer and that's it. Sorry I was so boring today.

Kay's Day - 07/08/2011

Actually got some sleep last night. Had dreams, but don't remember really what they were. I'm pretty sure Ben was not in them last night. Woke up around 5:00 am. Seems like I wake up between 5:00 and 5:30 am every morning, but then I go back to sleep for a couple of hours if I can. When I got up this morning, I had the feeling again about "why do I bother getting up?" but this morning I did actually have a purpose for getting up. Linda was coming by at 8:45 am to take me by the post office and then over to the senior center for the Caregiver's Support Group. This morning for some reason, I could not stop crying. It was as if my eyeballs were "leaking". I was ok once we got t the support group. Had a lot of members there today and again they told me how much they like me being there with them. A couple of them gave me a big hug and told me how they think about me and worry about me during the week. After the group, Linda and I went to lunch and the we stopped by Aaron Brothers Frame Store so I could buy some nice frames for some photos I have of Ben. After that we drove by a place that our city has just purchased from the county to preserve as an "open space" for hiking and recreation. We wanted to see where it was because they are having a dedication there Monday morning and we are going to go to that and we wanted to see where it was. When we left there, we went to one of the thrift stores. Linda wanted to show me a table that she saw that she might buy to use for one of the mosaic projects that our friend Marce has gotten us all interested in. When I got home, I had a voicemail from my attorney's office. I was supposed to see her on Tuesday to do my estate documents, but we had to reschedule it for next Friday. Now I have a headache and my eyes are really tires and sore from crying this morning. I took some Tylenol and put some "Tears" eye drops in my eyes. Hope that helps.

Kay's Day - 07/07/2011

Well I still had rats on the patio last night. I decided to get rid of the 1/2 bag of birdseed I had and give up on feeding the little feathered friends except for the hummers. I only paid $5.00 for the birdseed so…anyway, hopefully once all the birdseed is off the patio and plucked out of the grass by the lawn mower and by the birds and rats, the rats will stop coming every night. I also went to Wal-Mart this morning an bought some D-Con Rat Pellets and put them out on the patio. My niece Darrah told me that she used them in their basement once and that they really do kill the rats, so I hope that will do the job. I noticed that the rats did not take the poison cube I put out yesterday. They left it right where it was, but I also put out 2 more of them just in case they want to take them back to their nest. Didn't get to sleep until around midnight again. Took a sleep aid which made me groggy when I woke up this morning around 6:15 am. I took my blood pressure meds and then went back to bed and didn't get up until around 8:00 am. Had breakfast and then went to buy Ben's Lotto ticket (I'm still playing it for him), then went and put gas in the 4Runner and then over to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. Came home and put the rat poison out and got rid of the bird seed. Watched TV all morning then went over to my insurance agent's office to have the take Ben's name off of our auto insurance, homeowner's insurance and earthquake insurance. Also filled out the paperwork to inherit Ben's ROTH IRA and take his name off of our joint investment account. Every time I remove his name from something we had together, it puts another knife through my heart. Took Linda over to her eye doctor but the ended up not dilating her eyes this time. I need to make an eye appointment for myself soon. Time for dinner.

Kay's Day - 07/06/2011

Today I had lunch with my retired girlfriends. We have known each other for so long, we are like family. Linda went with me because all of my girlfriends wanted to meet her. She came to my hours around 10:30 am and then we went to pick up Sandi at her house and then we picked up DeDee at Costco. Met Kay (yes we have the same name), Gail, Marce and Judy at the Sizzler in Palmdale. Diana, who still works at Lockheed showed up a few minutes later. After lunch, all of us except Judy and Diana drove over to Marce's house in Acton, CA. She wanted to show us the mosaic art a craft that she has started doing. She has created a really cool table top for her patio, a couple of vases and a small side table. She was thinking that it might be something that some of us might like to start doing as a hobby. Marce and her husband Wayne live in a really cute house and have a great backyard. Wayne was my cube mate for a couple of years when I worked at Lockheed. While in their backyard we could hear thunder rolling over the high desert. Got home around 3:30 pm. It was so nice to get with my girlfriends again. I had not seen them since before Ben had gotten sick.

Me, Judy, Gail, Kay, Sandi, Marce, Diana, DeDee and Linda (kneeling)

Kay's Day - 07/05/2011

Went to bed last night around 11:15 pm and fell asleep around 11:45 pm or so. I took a sleep aid around 10:00 pm. Around 8:45 pm last night, I went outside to see if I could see the International Space Station when it flew over, and I did see it. Then the fireworks started going off, so I stayed outside for awhile to watch them. Came inside around 9:30 pm. I had noticed that "something" had "taken" the cube of rat poison I had placed in 3 areas of the patio. I figured it was the rat. Around 10:00 pm, I looked out at the patio from the sliding door and saw not just one rat, but about 5 of them. The big one that I saw the other night must be a mama because there were 4 little ones out there now too. They rat when I turned on the patio light and I saw that the were running to the side of the garage, so this morning I went out to look in that area to see how they were getting into the back yard. I saw that there was a space between the fence and the garage that was just the right size for them to squeeze through. I put a brick over the space on one side of the fence and on the other side, I put a piece of wood so hopefully now they won't be able to get into the back yard. Will watch tonight. Got up just before 7:00 am. I needed to call the Lockheed Employee Service Center on the east coast to make sure they would take Ben off of my Kaiser Health Insurance Plan so I won't have to keep paying premiums on him and to find out if they needed an original copy or a photo-copy of his death certificate. So I got that taken care of. I emailed the agent who handles our car insurance, homeowner's insurance and earthquake insurance to make an appointment with them to come by and get his name off of those policies. Waiting to hear back from them on that. Left around 9:30 am to head over to the senior center to my grief support group. My friend DeDee met me there in the parking lot. We had a full house there today…had a lot of good discussion. There is a guy named Pete in the group. Don't know when he lost his wife, but it was interesting to discover that men have the same pain and feelings that we woman have when we lose our spouse. After the group, DeDee and I went to Round Table Pizza for lunch. As usual we sat there for over 2 hours just talking about our husbands. We always lose track of time doing that. On the way home I stopped by the drug store and picked up some "Tears" eye drops. My eyes have been so tired and sore from the crying. Now I'm sitting here watching reruns of "The Ghost Whisperer".

Kay's Day - 07/04/2011

Very boring day for me today. Did not get to sleep last night until 2:15 am. It seems that when I am with people the day before and then they go home, I seem to have more trouble going to sleep on those nights. I noticed it last week when I was out with some friends and now I noticed it after Keith left yesterday. I slept in until around 8:15 am this morning and I was still extremely tired when I woke up. My eyes are very tired and sore from crying and from lack of sleep. During the night when I was lying awake, I got up and wandered around the house a couple of times. Once I looked out on the patio and noticed that there was a rat running around on the patio. I'm guessing it is there because I put out wild birdseed and the seed that falls on the ground from the feeder ends up in corner of the patio and the rat comes out at night to eat the seed in the corner. After I got up and had breakfast, I drove over to Home Depot and got some rat poison. Came home and cleaned up the seed in the corner of the patio and put cubes of rat poison in about 3 places. Came in and watched TV for awhile until it was time to make lunch so I did that and watched my soap opera. After that I drove over to the grocery store to pick up a couple of items. The store was very crowded. Came back home and turned on The Twilight Zone marathon. Around 1:30 pm I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up around 3:15 pm. Now I am very groggy and my eyes are still very tired and sore. Ben and I never really did much on holidays, but at least he was home from work on those days and we spent them together. We'd watch TV and then maybe go out for a drive. This being along really sucks.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

Kay's Day - 07/03/2011

Keith left about 15 minutes ago to head home. When he drove away, I came into the house and sat and cried for about 5 minutes. Sundays seem to be one of my worst days without Ben. Keith and I had a nice 2 days. As I said yesterday, picking up Ben's ashes didn't get to me as much as I thought it would. However, Keith told me this morning that he was a little "creeped out" trying to sleep on the sofa here in the living room because he kept thinking about Ben's ashes sitting over on the hearth of the fireplace. I was surprised that he said that because things like that usually don't bother him. This morning we went for an early hike over in Placerita Canyon. We wanted to "beat the heat" so we left right after 7:00 am. For awhile, there was no one on the trail but us, but as we started hiking back down to the parking lot at the Nature Center, we started passing people who were on their way up the canyon. We did a 2 mile hike. Probably would have gone a little more but it was already starting to get warm just after 8:00 am. When we got back down to the Nature Center, we went over to look at the hawk and the owl they have caged there. We came back home and I made some breakfast for us and did a load of laundry. After I put it in the dryer, we went out again. I decided to go by where Ben had purchased the tires on our Corolla because it was time to have them rotated again and I thought that I'd go by there while Keith was with me to have that done. The guy there knew Ben because Ben used to deliver auto parts to them. He told me he was really sorry to hear about Ben passing. He was very nice and told me to come by at least once a month to have them check the air pressure in my tires. We then went to Sam's Club because there were a few items I needed there. Came home and took the laundry out of the dryer then we went out for lunch. Came home and watched a little of "The Twilight Zone" marathon then Keith had to leave for home. I really hated for him to leave.

Cremation Locket

I was asked to explain what a "cremation locket" is. Mortuaries sell them and you can also buy them online. Some are actually jewelery that is made from the ashes themselves. Others, like mine, are gold or silver and have a very small amount of the ashes inside of them. The one I got from the mortuary is sterling silver and is smaller than I thought it would be. The ones I've seen online are bigger and they have a screw-on top. Mine is "bolted" together. I had never heard of them either until some online friends told me about them. The are a lot less expensive if you buy them online than at the mortuary.

Kay's Day - 07/02/2011

Got up around 7:00 am, had breakfast, then went over to the post office to mail out the last AT&T telephone bill that was in Ben's name. Bought some stamps while there because I'll probably have to send out more paperwork to some of the credit card places to close some of Ben's accounts. Keith got here between 10:00 am and 10:30 am. We headed over to the mortuary to pickup Ben's ashes. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be except that I did get a little teary eyed when they brought the box with Ben's ashes in and set it on the table in front of me. They gave me 3 locks of his hair, but they only put paperclips on them, so some of them lost some of the hair from the paperclips into the envelope they put them in so I will have to try to put the locks back together. I bought some blue ribbon to tie around the locks. Blue was Ben's favorite color. The cremation locket ended up being a lot smaller than I thought it was going to be, but it's still nice to have. I went this afternoon and bought a nice sterling silver chain for the locket at Kmart. They had a 50% off the chains today only, so I lucked out on that. Went to Wal-Mart to see about getting a couple of Carbon Monoxide Detectors, but they didn't have the kind I wanted, so we stopped by the Home Depot and they had exactly what I wanted there. We went to lunch at Carl's Jr. It's well over 100° here again today. If we go for a walk, it will be after the sun goes down some. I have Ben's ashes sitting on the hearth in front of my fire place. Keith and I actually opened the box to see what the ashes looked like and we were surprised to find that they are not gray as we had expected, but more the color of sand. I've been second thinking taking his ashes up to Ferndale, CA. I guess that's why they always tell widows and widowers to make any major changes or do anything major for a long time until you are more in your "right" mind. Sometimes I now think that if I take them up to Ferndale that I don't know if I could really part with them. I'll have to think on it a lot before I do anything. If I decide to keep them, I know that Costco.com sells cremation urns online and they are really nice looking and not very expensive. In awhile we will go out on the patio and grill up a couple of small steaks that I still had in the freezer. Ben was the big steak eater, not me. I probably won't buy steaks anymore after these are gone.

Kay's Day - 07/01/2011

Before I went to my group this morning, I went by the clubhouse office to pay my land lease and also to confirm that I will be using the clubhouse for Ben's memorial on July 23rd.  I then went to the Caregiver's Support Group at the senior center this morning. Only 6 people plus the Judy (the therapist) showed up today. I guess the others are either heading out of town for July 4th or out shopping for BBQ's etc. I mentioned at the group that I had considered quitting that group since I now go to the Grief Support Group, but again they told me they want to me continue coming and Judy said "it's like the mafia…once you are in, you cannot get out". Then she laughed. A couple of the ladies asked me to join them for lunch, but I bowed out. I was not in the mood to go out to lunch today plus I needed to go by the grocery store on the way home and get a few more things for when Keith is here over the weekend. The store was pretty crowded with shoppers. When I got home, I fixed myself some lunch and watched my soap. I got the telephone bill from AT&T in the mail. I saw that the collect call that Ben made from the hospital that one night he was so upset and called me on the bill. I started to cry because I remember how upset he was that night and how much he wanted to talk. I could not believe that that one call cost over $20. Ben would have had a fit if he knew that. He hated AT&T. I also received a letter from Lockheed (the company that I used to work for) telling me that they need an original copy of Ben's death certificate by July 16th to take his name off of my health insurance plan so I won't have to keep paying for him on the premium. I won't have the certificates until tomorrow and then I need to call Lockheed with some questions and I cannot do that until Tuesday. They don't give you much time to get things sent to them. It got up to 101°F here today, so obviously I did not do an afternoon walk. Keith will be here around 10:00 or 10:30 am tomorrow morning and we will head right over to the mortuary to pick up Ben's ashes.