Sunday, May 15, 2011


I think I am beginning to feel a grief similar to the grief people feel when they have lost a loved one. Even though Ben is still alive, he is very ill and in the hospital, and I feel like I have “lost” him. He is no longer the Ben that he was which makes it feel like “that Ben” no longer exists. Now and then I will see that “gleam” in his eyes that he had when he would tease me, or I see that smile come across his lips that he would have when he was pleased about something. But most of the time I see a different Ben. I see a man who is discouraged, frustrated, sad and very frightened. I see a man who wants to come home more than anything, and cannot understand why he can't. I see man who is getting weaker with each day and who seems to be slipping away from me.

I've heard about the five stages of grief a person goes through when they have lost a loved one and they seem to also fit when you have a loved one who is very ill and you don't know if they are ever going to get well.

1. Denial – When he first had his surgery I kept thinking “this isn't happening to us”. We are supposed to have many more years together enjoying our life and each other.

2. Anger – I was mad that this was happening to us. This was NOT in our plans. Why us?

3. Bargaining – I started begging God to make Ben well and promising that I'd give anything for Ben to be well and back to normal.

4. Depression – This is where I am now. I cannot stop crying. I cry all the time. When I think I have no more tears to cry, I find I have buckets of them.

5. Acceptance – I have not reached this one yet. But eventually, I'm sure I will have to.

I have never felt this kind of pain. I have never felt so alone or so discouraged in my life. I pray that I will be able to stay strong. I thank all of my online friends for their prayers.


  1. Know that we are with you, and send our hugs and love. I can;t imagine how this must be, but I am heartbroken with you. I continue to send prayers...I will not cease.

  2. Bless your heart, Kay.... I am crying right along with you. I know how you must be hurting... Please hang onto God. God will help you and Ben through all of this.
    Hugs and lots of Prayers,

  3. Yes I know how you feel. When my Mel had a bad stroke at age 45 I would look at him and see an old old man. I thought our life was over but he did recover to a good degree and I hope this for you and Ben.

  4. After reading your words, my stomach feels awful. I can't even begin to know how it really feels, but your words are so expressive. The pain that you are experiencing is so deep, it is scary. With what we know, I can offer no words of encouragement. Ben is at a standstill, with no one really knowing what to do next. We don't want to lose hope that it is possible that he can get better. Geeezzz, I wish there were something that I could do to make things better. I am powerless. What you need right now is the strength to endure this nightmare. Damn, I can't believe it. So, that is what my prayers for you and Ben will be. I pray that he gets better, yes, but the God that I know does not mess with people's lives like this. This is a very cruel thing to do to his "children". I would ask the doctor what he or she would do if this were his dad or brother. I am so sorry that you two have to go thru this. This sucks!!!!

  5. Dear Kay: I am sorry that you are hurting, I can't even imagine the pain of watching a loved one slip away, a helpless feeling, and one of despair.
    I pray that Ben will turn a corner and return to you, whole.
    Hugs friend,

  6. You know that your little brother is praying. That's what I do! I will not cease to pray. God is doing something in your life and He WILL bless you.

    Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.- Isaiah 41:10


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