I think I am beginning to feel a grief similar to the grief people feel when they have lost a loved one. Even though Ben is still alive, he is very ill and in the hospital, and I feel like I have “lost” him. He is no longer the Ben that he was which makes it feel like “that Ben” no longer exists. Now and then I will see that “gleam” in his eyes that he had when he would tease me, or I see that smile come across his lips that he would have when he was pleased about something. But most of the time I see a different Ben. I see a man who is discouraged, frustrated, sad and very frightened. I see a man who wants to come home more than anything, and cannot understand why he can't. I see man who is getting weaker with each day and who seems to be slipping away from me.
I've heard about the five stages of grief a person goes through when they have lost a loved one and they seem to also fit when you have a loved one who is very ill and you don't know if they are ever going to get well.
1. Denial – When he first had his surgery I kept thinking “this isn't happening to us”. We are supposed to have many more years together enjoying our life and each other.
2. Anger – I was mad that this was happening to us. This was NOT in our plans. Why us?
3. Bargaining – I started begging God to make Ben well and promising that I'd give anything for Ben to be well and back to normal.
4. Depression – This is where I am now. I cannot stop crying. I cry all the time. When I think I have no more tears to cry, I find I have buckets of them.
5. Acceptance – I have not reached this one yet. But eventually, I'm sure I will have to.
I have never felt this kind of pain. I have never felt so alone or so discouraged in my life. I pray that I will be able to stay strong. I thank all of my online friends for their prayers.