Monday, May 30, 2011

Monday Update For Ben

Ben was awake and alert when I got to his room this morning. He could talk a little and his writing is getting better and I can read some of it now. Doctor Manek came by around 8:45 AM but he didn't have any news yet. Ben told me he felt a little nauseous so I told Katrina (his nurse) and she gave him something through his IV to settle his stomach. Ben started falling asleep around 11:30 AM. I was going to leave around 12:30 since I had gotten there so early, but Ben wanted me to find out if the doctor was still there and if he had any information for us yet. I found the doctor and he told us he was going over to Radiology to look at the x-rays to see what was going on. When he came back he told us that there is still no sign of a blockage, however Ben's large intestine is dilated. He told us the Barium (or Contact as they call it) still had not reached the lowest part of the intestine but as of right now, it appears that there is nothing blocking the intestines. The doctor called Dr. Melman in Gastro to ask him about another colonoscopy to see if they could find anything that way, but Dr. Melman told him that he didn't think it would show anything different. Dr. Manek says he is still very optimistic because of Ben's improvement in his other health issues like getting of the ventilator, having no more fevers, no more infections, and his blood tests show that other things have improved too, but basically it seems we are right back at square one. Dr. Manek still says he is not giving up, but I don't really know what else he can do. Ben became very upset and started to cry again. He asked me not to go home, and I was about to make the decision to stay there with him all night but then he got very agitated and was getting really mad at me because he kept saying he was hot and wanted to take his gown off. I got the nurse and she was trying to calm him down. I kept feeling like I should stay with him, but then I thought about the other night when I did stay overnight there and how I didn't get any sleep and didn't eat and how Ben kept waking me up. I kept thinking if I get sick then we will really be in trouble. I told Ben that I thought it was best if I came home and came back to see him in the morning. He agreed somewhat, but started to cry again and I told him I'd stay, but he told me to go home. I asked if he was sure and he said "GO BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND". I felt so guilty when I was leaving him, but I felt like I could not be of any help to him in the state I was in and with him getting more and more agitated. I left his room crying. I cried all the way home and I'm still crying as I type this. I feel so bad for him and so lost and alone for myself. I don't know what to do. I feel as though our world has come down around us and I feel like I'm buried alive.


  1. Oh Kay, my heart breaks for you as I read this. This is just the most difficult thing...watching a loved one suffer, the not knowing and uncertainty of the present as well as the future, and trying to reconcile your own needs with your loved ones needs with all the guilt it brings. You ARE in a difficult situation; you are feeling despair because you are just a human, plain and simple. Tomorrow is your hope; God always allows us the hope of a new day. God Bless, have faith, and take comfort knowing I'm sitting in Smyrna, Delaware, so far away, and have a heart for your trouble tonight. I'll pray for you, for Ben, and for your strength to bear and endure, persist and achieve. You are doing the best you know to do for Ben. Allow yourself a time of grief for tonight. You'll appreciate the sunlight tomorrow.

  2. Try not to feel guilty Kay. You are doing the best you can. Ben is sick and not at himself and you're right you can't afford to get sick too. I'm praying for you tonight and for Ben.


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