Monday, July 25, 2011

Mostly OK Monday

Started getting extremely sleepy last night around 9:30 pm. Went to bed around 10:00 pm with the TV on but I think I went right to sleep for once. Tossed and turned most of the night and woke up around 5:30 am, but stayed in bed until almost 7:00 am. Even though I knew I had things to do today, I just did not want to get up and face yet another day without Ben. Since the memorial is now over, I seem to feel worse. I need to find out from some of my widowed friends online if this is a “normal” feeling. Maybe it's because I've just closed the first chapter of my widowhood and now I am starting the next chapter. I was crying quite a bit before, but now I cry over the stupidest little things. I went to Wal-Mart this morning to pick up a few things that I've run out of. I took one of my cloth Wal-Mart reusable bags in to carry my groceries out. As I was walking out the door, the bag tore and my groceries fell on the ground. A nice young man who was entering the store came over and helped me pick my stuff up. Thank goodness I only had a few things in the bag. I got into the car and I just started crying because of that damn bag. When Ben was alive, that would have been a “funny thing” that I would have called him about and shared with him because he would have been at work today. We would have laughed about it and that would have been the end of it. But he is not there for me to call and when I thought of that, I just started sobbing. It is hard to drive your car when your eyes are full of tears and you cannot stop crying. That's what I mean about crying over the stupidest little things. Now that the numbness of his death has worn off and the memorial is over, I feel all of the sadness and the pain. After Wal-Mart I hung out at home awhile. I filled my birdbath, watered my plants and filled my hummingbird feeder, then went over to get my cleaning deposit back from the community office for the clubhouse we used for the memorial/life celebration. After that, I headed over to Sam's Club to pick up some things I needed there. Got back home and put things away, then I called the corporate office of our community to see if the woman I need to talk to about my land lease was there. She wasn't, so I left a message to have her call me. I need to have Ben's name removed from the lease and have mine on it. I was going to watch my soap and then make lunch when my brother Ron called me and we talked for awhile. I'm glad he calls me now and then to see how I am doing. Right after I hung up, my friend Karren called me to see how I am doing. We talked for about 45 minutes. I finally got around to making my lunch around 1:00 pm. Since my house had not been cleaned in months, I dusted a couple of weeks ago but had not vacuumed, so decided I'd better to that, so finally got the vacuum out this afternoon. When I went into my bedroom to move things off the floor so I could vacuum, I picked up Ben's shoes that are still on the floor on his side of the bed and I immediately started sobbing/wailing. Cried the entire time I vacuumed. Also the bag of his clothes that I brought home from the hospital on the night of February 28 when he had his first surgery is still on the floor next to the rocking chair in the bedroom and I cried when I picked that up too. I just do NOT feel like doing anything with his clothes right now, so they will just stay in that bag on the floor. So for the rest of the afternoon, I watched my soap (I always record it just in case) and I've been watching re-runs of “The Closer” and “Ghost Whisperer”. Tonight I will watch new episodes “Eureka”, “The Closer” and “Rizzoli & Isles”. When I watch my TV shows, it helps keep my mind occupied for a few hours until I have to force myself to go to bed. So that was my day. Hope all of you had a good one.


  1. I can relate to crying about some of the most incidental things.The hardest grief hit me a few weeks after the funeral,and I was not prepared for it.I still have to deal with tears at certain times,often about small things,like having to sign a card and putting only my name on it.I hope you get a good rest tonight as that is so important.

  2. It's normal. Crying and driving happens a lot. I had a lot of up and down times. Things would seem to be going along normal and then I would have some bad times. There was a short period that I would stay in bed for many hours after I woke up, didn't really have anything important to do and just stayed in bed thinking or reading (but then there were times that I could not read - just could not concentrate) and staring at pictures on the walls. I could not watch any TV shows that had hospitals. You are normal, don't worry that you are not - we all grieve in our own way and it's good to blog and to talk to someone about it.


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