Saturday, July 30, 2011

Sad To Say...I Hate Saturdays

I decided last night that I am not going to take a sleeping pill. I went to bed a little after 10:00 pm and went to sleep around 10:20 pm but did not sleep well. I tossed and turned all night. Woke up around 5:30 am. Got up around 6:30 am and by 7:30 am, I was on the road to Santa Paula for their Citrus Classic Hot Air Balloon Fest. I really need to give up on going every year. I've been going every year for about the past 4 years now and every time it is totally overcast and the balloons cannot lift off. So they just sit there on the ground, all inflated, for about a hour or so and then when they decide the sun is not going to burn off the clouds, they deflate the balloons. So what's the use? The city of Santa Paula should change the date of this festival to a time when they don't have the marine layer. So needless to say, by 9:00 am, I was back home. I'm really hating trying to drive with tears flooding my eyes. All the way home I was thinking about Ben and so I cried all the way home. Once I got here, I decided to go out and do some yard work to try to get rid of some of the stress. It may have been overcast about 30 miles towards the coast but it's a beautiful morning here in Canyon Country. I pulled weeds for about an hour. Didn't help the stress at all because Ben is on my mind from the time I wake up in the morning until I go to sleep at night. He is all I think about. After lunch, I just sat on the sofa all day with the TV on playing online computer games. I hate weekends so much. I do nothing but cry on the weekends. You would think that I would eventually run out of tears, but they just keep coming. There are times that I start thinking about the reality that I have to live the rest of my life without Ben and that I will never see him or hear his voice again and I totally feel like I am going to lose my mind. It all seems so unreal and so impossible. How can the person I loved more than life itself be gone? This has already been a very long day.


  1. The tears will become less as time goes on.Right now to doesn't feel like it,but trust me,I now have more days without tears than with.I still think of Jake daily,but it doesn't have the same sad effect.Now I can remember the happy times and smile about them.Having said all that,weekends are long and lonely,still.

  2. I would never sleep without sleep aids. I don't even try it without them. As far as I can tell they do me no harm so why not?
    I hope today is going better for you.


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