Saturday, May 12, 2012

Busy Saturday

They say that “anger” is one of the phases of grief and up until now, I had not really experienced that phase. I have never been angry with Ben because it was not his fault that he died. I've heard that some people blame their spouse for leaving them. This morning something hit me about the fact that he will NEVER be here again for me to share my life with and I just felt extremely angry at the world in general. It didn't last long, but that is the first time I have had that feeling. Took Hiker out for a 2 mile walk and then went over to the Home Depot to buy a cordless string trimmer. I have a gardener, but there are times when some areas of my yard get so tall in between the times he comes to trim and mow. I wanted the trimmer to clean up those areas. I have an electric trimmer, but it's such a pain in the butt to get a cord out and try to find somewhere to plug it in so it will reach everywhere in the yard. I used to love to do yard work when I was younger, so I don't mind getting out now and then to do small yard jobs like that. Did a load of laundry and had lunch. Hiker kept acting “frightened” about something after lunch, so I thought maybe if I got her out for a walk she'd be OK. NOT! I drove her over to the community of Bridgeport in Valencia to walk around the lake there. She was still acting scared and then she saw some people in a paddle boat on the lake and she went crazy. She peed all over the sidewalk and tried to run. It's a good thing I was holding onto her leash nice and tight. I kept trying to get her to calm down, but she just kept pulling really hard on her leash and she was panting very heavily. I tried to get her to drink some water, but she didn't want any. She finally started to calm down some when I got her back to the car and headed home. Going to have some stewed chicken and pasta for dinner. Now that I've been cooking again every night, I'm gaining weight. I have gained back all of the weight I lost when Ben was sick in the hospital. I was hoping that I'd be able to keep my weight down.

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