Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Stay Strong

Some mornings I wake up wondering “how much longer can I go on without Ben?” I know for a fact that I can go on. I've been doing it for almost a year now. I am NOT suicidal. There are several reasons I must go on, First...Ben would never have wanted me to do anything to myself, second...I have Hiker to live for. The day I adopted her, I made a promise to take care of her for the rest of her life and I intend to do that, and third...I'm a big chicken. I would never do anything to hurt myself. But that question to myself still comes up every now and then. I've been told by several people in my grief support group that the second year is worse than the first because true reality sets in. I am NOT looking forward to that because the first year has been no picnic. I remember my mom always saying to me after my dad died “I wonder how many years I will outlive your dad”. Took Hiker for a short walk to the park this morning. Was another beautiful morning here in SoCal. I just wish it didn't get so hot in the afternoon. Went to my grief support group today. Our “leader/therapist” had car trouble so she did not make it to group. She called the Senior Center and told them to let us know and for us to “carry on without her”, so we did. Edwin (the obnoxious man) was there, but all of us kept him “under control”. We let him talk but when we felt he was trying to “analyze” someone or trying to tell someone what “he” thought they should do, we stopped him in his tracks. All went pretty well. We all just talked about whatever came to our minds. After group, DeDee and I went to lunch at Cathy's Deli and we invited Gin, one of our newer members. Gin (Virginia) is 80 years old and lost her husband of 58 years due to results of an auto accident they were in with a big rig. She is such a sweet lady, only about 4 months or so into her widowhood. She says being with us and seeing how we all have coped gives her encouragement. Got home a little earlier than I normally do on Tuesdays. Hiker wanted to go for a walk, but it was 82° so I told her we'd go out later after it cools down some. So even though I was a little “discouraged” this morning when I first woke up, the rest of the day turned out pretty good. I am strong!


  1. Kay, you are such a strong lady. I admire your determination and courage to keep going. I know sometimes I am so alone and I get so lonely and feel worthless and pointless in my life. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would even realize if I wasn't here. But I know what is happening to me is nothing compared to what you are going through! I too am not suicidal and I am too chicken to do anything to myself anyways..haha. I am sure it is so very hard for you Kay, I will be praying for you. Ben would be so proud of you!! Great post!

  2. It's like Britt said Ben would be so proud of you. I'm glad you have your Grief Support Group and Hiker. You take care. Jean

  3. Over the year I have followed your grief and I can hear that you are coping better all the time even though there are still very bad days, you still come back stronger. I admire your strength and ability to keep going. You must be an inspiration to new members of your group. I have returned home from our 5 week stint in your state. I wished that I could have found time and wheels to visit you but grandma duties are hectic and time consuming. Give hiker a hug from me.


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