Saturday, January 21, 2012

It's Been A Rough Saturday

I've had people tell me that I've really seemed to “improve” the last month or so with my grief. They don't see me at home in the evenings. I don't mention it as much now in my daily journal, but I cry some every single day. I don't have as many grief attacks that make me sob and wail like I did before, though now and then one of those episodes does still hit me. Now it seems that more and more memories are coming back to me and I'll cry for maybe 5 minutes and then I'll go back to whatever I was doing. But those memories and tears seem to come several times a day now and today has been one of those days. Sometimes I'll remember something Ben said or did and it will make me smile or even chuckle a little, but then the tears flow a little too. He was one of a kind, my Ben. Was raining when Hiker and I woke up this morning. Went through everything in the computer room closet. Put a lot of stuff out for Goodwill and tossed some old boxes. You never know how much you are accumulating until you start going through things. I keep running out of room in the trash bins, so I have to stop so I'll have enough room for the regular trash. There was a break in the rain, so I took Hiker down to the park for a few minutes. I knew she wanted to get out for a walk. By noon, the sun was out and it was really bright. Not much of a rainstorm if you ask me. They kept saying we'd get about 1/2” to 1” but I'll bet we didn't get that much. Don't know why today has been such a bad day for me. I had tears this morning some but this afternoon, I've really been having a hard time. I took Hiker for an afternoon walk and the entire 20 minutes we were out I cried. I remembered a day during Ben's last few weeks at the hospital. They had taken him off of the respirator and he was having a lot of trouble breathing. He had made the comment to me that he wished he had more air to breath, but I think Kaiser was hoping if they removed him from the respirator that he'd die and they would no longer have to keep paying for him because by now, they were 100% responsible for paying his hospital bills. Before I went home, I kissed him and gave him a hug and told him that he was my life. He kissed my cheek and whispered “you're my life too” into my ear. I looked into his eyes and told him I loved him and he said “I love you too”. For some reason, this memory came to be today and I have been crying about it almost all day. I was also going through some old bills from last year to shred them. I started thinking that last year at this time, Ben was alive and getting ready to go for his colonoscopy in February. I remember him telling everyone that “the preparation is the worst part”. Oh how I wish that had been the truth in his case. Hiker has been hovering all over me today kissing away my tears.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kay, I am so sorry you are so sad. I can not say I know what you are feeling. I know your hubby was your life. I can say I hope your memories later on will make you smile more than bring the tears. I know you have many good and happy times with your Ben. Keep thinking of the good times! Take care and give Hiker a hug.


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