Saturday, June 25, 2011
Very lonely today. I keep feeling like it was a Saturday that Ben had to work and I was here waiting for him to call me like he always did when he worked. I did not go to sleep last night until around 1:30 am. I had to take an OTC sleep aid to go to sleep. Woke up around 6:30 am but was so tired and groggy that I just got up, took my blood pressure medications and vitamins and then went back to bed. I slept until around 9:00 am. By the time I got up and had something to eat, it was already too hot outside to go for a morning walk. I just sat on the sofa and watched TV for several hours. I don't really pay much attention to what I'm watching. The gardener showed up and mowed the lawn. I had to figure out what I wanted for lunch. It's so hard for me anymore to do that since I'm never really hungry. While I was having lunch, a guy delivered a plant in a nice basket. It was from the staff of All Saints which is the facility where Ben was supposed to have his rehab before he was going to come home. It was nice of them to think of me. After lunch I decided I needed to get out of the house. I was starting to get a little crazy just sitting here. I drove over to Bridgeport Marketplace where there is a duck pond. I took my camera with me and shot a few photographs. There were a few people sitting around the pond. I think I may be in the "anger" stage of grief because it makes me so mad to see people enjoying their weekend together. Ben should be here enjoying the weekend with me. I am so angry with God for taking Ben away. I keep telling Him how mad I am with Him for doing that. I didn't stay at the duck pond very long because it is very hot outside. I came back home and now I'm just back sitting on the sofa with the TV on just wishing that time would pass and the hurt would go away.