Saturday, June 18, 2011
Not having a good day. Last night I could not get to sleep. It's like my adrenaline is working overtime. I think I finally fell asleep around 2:00 am, but then I woke up around 5:15 am and tried to go back to sleep, but that didn't happen. I finally got up around 7:15 am and started to get dressed. As I was making the bed, I thought of how Ben used to help me make it and started to cry. That lasted for about 10 or 15 minutes. Had a sweet roll for breakfast. I don't really care for them, but Ben always bought them and so I decided I'd better eat them up. Took Ben's wedding ring (which is in 2 pieces since the hospital cut it off of his finger) over to a jeweler to have it soldered back together so I can wear it on a gold chain around my neck. There are times (like when I'm hiking) that I won't want to wear the cremation locket for fear of losing it, so I want the ring so I can wear it all the time. It will be ready for me to pick up on Thursday. Cam back home and decided to take Ben's sunglasses that he had left on the kitchen counter and put them in a drawer. I started crying. Got over that. Decided to empty out the bag that I took with me every day to the hospital that I carried his razor, his TV glasses, his toothbrush, his comb, etc. in. I started crying. Got over that. Made lunch. Wasn't really hungry but forced it down anyway. Had a salad and a tuna cake, a banana and some iced tea. I had to mail some of the flyers for Ben's memorial so I headed over to the post office to do that. I don't know how I got there and back home because I was in a daze the entire time. Balanced my checkbook, could not figure out a $3 error for about an hour. Remembered how Ben would always help me when that happened. He was so good at math. Cried again. Went outside and cut some of the dead stems from my gladiolas. Filled my bird feeder (made a mental note to buy more birdseed). Filled the birdbath and the hummingbird feeder. Came back into the house and here I am on the computer again. I feel somewhat better when I'm on the computer because I have so many wonderful online friends who are helping me get through this awful time in my life and if don't feel quite as alone when I'm online. It was "June Gloom" again this morning, but now the sun is out and it's 80°. Sure has been a long day, and it's only 3:00 pm.