Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday Update For Ben

Today I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I gave my permission to take Ben off of the support medications. We left him on the respirator because we just could not bring ourselves to "pull the plug". He was still alive when we left the hospital, but his heart rate was very erratic and his blood pressure dropped dramatically. The doctors seemed to think that just taking him off the medications will cause him to slowly pass on. His sister, her husband and Ben's brother were there along with me and my brother. We had a social worker and the hospital chaplain with us and we prayed and cried while we gathered around his bed, all of us hugging. I hugged and kissed Ben and told him how much I loved him and what a wonderful husband he had been to me. I thanked him for the 31 years we spent together as a married couple plus the 6 years we were best friends before we were married. I told him it was alright now to stop fighting and he could now give up and go peacefully. Both his brother and sister really took it bad. They both had to leave his room. Keith (my brother) and I stayed awhile longer and I continued to hug and kiss Ben and tell him I loved him and how he will remain in my heart forever. I have cried so much today and I am crying as I type this. My social worker made some phone calls for me to some mortuaries and I decided to go with one that the hospital deals with a lot. The were the most inexpensive and I know for a fact that Ben would NOT want me to spend a lot of money because he always talked about what a rip-off funerals, etc. are. I won't have a funeral for him. In a few weeks I will plan a "celebration of his life". I plan to have him cremated and take eventually take them up to Ferndale, CA (his favorite place) and scatter them there. I will keep a little bit of the ashes for myself. My brother Keith is here with me and we are waiting to hear from the hospital. If we do not hear something tonight, we will go there again in the morning and sit with Ben. I want to thank everyone for all of the prayers and kind words.


  1. Ah Kay I cry for you! I lost my own husband just over a year ago now and now. Though hard I know you have made the right decision. You both gave it a good fight but there is a time to let go, to release Ben. You seem to have been able to do this with grace in your heart. It is so not easy. My fellow went instantly with no good byes and yours so drawn out - can't say which is the harder - both ways are hard in their own, different way. I pray God's peace to you and your families.

    If sometime you need to get away and want to take a trip north come and stay by me for a few days, either in Vancouver or the interior of BC and we can commiserate together.

    I pray the Lord will hold you up in His tender arms and carry you through this difficult, difficult time. Hang in there girl! One moment at a time.

  2. Dearest Kay, I am crying as I type these words.
    I cannot imagine the saddness, and pain you are facing right now, I can only tell you, that quality of life outshines quantity, and your dear, dear beloved Ben would want relief from his pain, and expect you to make that decision he was unable to have made for himself.
    Ben knows you love him with all of your heart, and one day you will be reunited in the Glory of the Lord.
    May God Bless you both,
    Hugs friend,

  3. so sorry it had to go this way Kay but at least he will be out of his pain. I hope he goes peacefully and you will be able to cope. Time heals, my love. Paula

  4. Hi Kay, I came over from Patsy's. You are on her sidebar. I am so very sorry, it has been a very long ordeal for both you and Ben...hopefully your good memories will help to comfort you:)


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