Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday Update For Ben
Today I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I gave my permission to take Ben off of the support medications. We left him on the respirator because we just could not bring ourselves to "pull the plug". He was still alive when we left the hospital, but his heart rate was very erratic and his blood pressure dropped dramatically. The doctors seemed to think that just taking him off the medications will cause him to slowly pass on. His sister, her husband and Ben's brother were there along with me and my brother. We had a social worker and the hospital chaplain with us and we prayed and cried while we gathered around his bed, all of us hugging. I hugged and kissed Ben and told him how much I loved him and what a wonderful husband he had been to me. I thanked him for the 31 years we spent together as a married couple plus the 6 years we were best friends before we were married. I told him it was alright now to stop fighting and he could now give up and go peacefully. Both his brother and sister really took it bad. They both had to leave his room. Keith (my brother) and I stayed awhile longer and I continued to hug and kiss Ben and tell him I loved him and how he will remain in my heart forever. I have cried so much today and I am crying as I type this. My social worker made some phone calls for me to some mortuaries and I decided to go with one that the hospital deals with a lot. The were the most inexpensive and I know for a fact that Ben would NOT want me to spend a lot of money because he always talked about what a rip-off funerals, etc. are. I won't have a funeral for him. In a few weeks I will plan a "celebration of his life". I plan to have him cremated and take eventually take them up to Ferndale, CA (his favorite place) and scatter them there. I will keep a little bit of the ashes for myself. My brother Keith is here with me and we are waiting to hear from the hospital. If we do not hear something tonight, we will go there again in the morning and sit with Ben. I want to thank everyone for all of the prayers and kind words.