Saturday, December 17, 2011

Gloomy Day Outside

Did not have a good evening yesterday. I felt very lost and alone. Kept thinking so much about Ben and still not believing that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without him. This was not supposed to happen. We were supposed to grow old together. We were going to be that cute little old couple who had been married for 50 years and were still in love and still holding hands. I sobbed and Hiker kept barking at me to stop. I don't know why, but I am not looking forward to going from 2011 to 2012. For some reason, it makes me feel like I'm losing Ben even more because it will be a different year from when he passed away, as if time is pushing him even further away from me. Plus it makes me realize more that I am really going to have to live the rest of my life without him. When Hiker and I woke up this morning, it was dark, cloudy and windy. We stayed in bed until 8:00 and then got up, had breakfast and went for a 1.5 mile walk. By then it had cleared up a little, but was still partly cloudy. Came home and started having problems with my WIFI router. All this time I thought I was having a bad connection with my provider (Time Warner). My Internet was down for about an hour and I finally plugged the Ethernet cable directly into my laptop and it worked just fine. Plugged it back into my router and no Internet again. Kept resetting, unplugging, plugging in, etc. and finally the router started to work again but don't know why. I may have to get a new one. I got this one just about a year ago so if it is going bad, it sure didn't last very long. Told my brother Keith that I may need to get a new one when he comes out for his visit the end of this month. It got really cloudy again around 11:00 am just before the gardener came. At least he got the yard mowed in case it starts to rain later. Since the weather was not so great outside, Hiker and I stayed in most of the day watching TV.


  1. Kay-
    I know what you mean by the year changing from 2011 to 2012. It seems as each year passes, more memories are lost and you face the world alone. But this year could also bring many blessings you are not aware of : ) I know it must be a hard time for you. I am so sorry and I hope that this Christmas will bring many wonderful memories and you will feel God's presence with you!! I believe it was a few years ago I heard a song on the radio called "someone is missing at Christmas" by Anne Cochran. I thought the song might help encourage you, especially with the loss you have had. It encouraged me, I thought maybe it would encourage you. I attached a link to the video, you can just copy and paste it in your address bar. I hope you like it.

    Have a merry Christmas!!

  2. Hi Kay-

    Thanks for your comments!! No, I haven't looked at your photo blogs, I will take a look at them thoughl, now that I know. I didn't realize you had other blogs!! : ) I don't have a facebook account. Thats so neat that you have met other women who have lost their husbands as well. I'm glad that you were able to share the video with them. It made me cry too. Thanks so much for your nice comments!! Have a wonderful Christmas Kay!!

  3. Kay,

    I will have to check out the other blogs you have! Yeah, email is a fine way to keep in touch. My email is And you can always reply back to my comments, it has my email address there too. Sorry I don't have facebook, but emailing hopefully will work just as well. If you ever need someone to talk to or express your feelings, I am here!! Hope your day is going well. Thanks too for becoming a follower of my blog!! I appreciate your friendship!!


  4. I also had that feeling about the year changing when my Dad died. It was like I was moving on without him and it felt weird. I did find some comfort though once the new year began, if that is any help. It was like a "new courage" and a "new hope" came with the new year and it was a relief to realize that your memories still remain and that he is really there with you in spirit even though the year changed. I am a true believer that due to God's love and the fact that He said he made man in His own image, that "love" (which is the greatest commandment) connects all spirits and that death cannot permanently intrude upon it. Earthly bodies limit us but love saves us and love lasts forever...and this is something that helps me to know that my grandparents and father are able to still love me and that their spirit is very much alive just not inside a body to be seen. One day we'll understand it more but it helps to think of it that way. Have a good Sunday.


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