Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Milestone In My Widowhood

I've been crying a lot more again lately. Don't know if it's because Christmas is coming or if it's because today it's been 6 months since Ben passed away. 6 months is a major milestone. I cannot believe how fast time goes by when you live your life in a constant daze. Most of the time I don't know what day it is or what time it is. Thank goodness for calendars and clocks. The wound of losing Ben seems to be more open and more raw at this time than it was 6 months ago. I'm still struggling so hard with my faith, or I should say, my lack of faith. I lost my faith 6 months ago on the day Ben died. I'm sure this has a lot to do with why I do not want to even acknowledge Christmas this year. As a kid, I believed in God, Heaven and life-after-death. Now I question their existence. I tend to believe now that the only “life-after-death” that exists is the memory of Ben's life I keep alive in my heart. If there was no one on earth to remember a person who passes away and keep their memory alive, there would be no so-called “life-after-death”. It was 30° this morning when Hiker woke me up to go potty. Decided not to take her for her morning walk until it got warmer because yesterday when we went out, even though I had on a coat and gloves, it was freezing. This SoCal “girl” is NOT used to it being so cold. After lunch, I took Hiker over to PetSmart and bought her a Martha Stewart Doggie Quilt Coat for when she and I go out on our cold walks. Every year I make calendars for my friend Judy with her grandchildren on them. She gave me a check for them when I saw her awhile back so I finally got around to cashing that check and decided to spend some of it on Hiker, so that's what I paid for her coat with. I took her out in it this afternoon just to see how she'd react to it. She was a little upset about it at first, but I think she got more used to it as we walked. She did keep trying to shake it off her body though, like when dogs shake water off. While we were out for our short afternoon walk, it was drizzling some which is strange because they did not mention any rain, just more wind. It is getting dark and cloudy, so I don't know what's going on.


  1. I am sure that you are more depressed because Christmas is near. The first one you have had without Ben. Winter is a depressing time anyway. I feel it also. Of course getting around with a walker for 3 months doesn't help. Ken has to put a step for me to even get into the car and it is a painful time. I get another MRI on Monday. I like Hiker's new coat. Our dogs didn't like coats either. Prayers for you for the upcoming Holidays. Helen

  2. I'm sorry Kay. Six months is a major milestone and certainly understand questioning God. I wish knew the right words to tell you to keep the faith. Even if you don't feel it. I don't feel it either but I have to keep trying. Can't give up. Love that baby in the winter coat. My Buddy didn't want it on either. I'm gonna put it back on him the next cold spell we get. stay in touch with your family. they need you.

  3. Kay,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure this time of year is very difficult for you with all of the memories. Keep trusting in God, He is there for you even though it may be hard understanding why Ben is gone or why he was taken away. It is so difficult not knowing why someone was taken away and the hole you feel in your heart when they are gone. But God does have a very very special reason why he took Ben. God can take much better care of him than anyone down here could have. I lost my dad when I was 6, so I can relate somewhat to your feelings. It has been around 11 years since he passed away, and I still miss him so much, I think now more that when I was younger. If you ever need someone to share how you are feeling with you can always drop a comment or respond back to one of my comments. I will understand!! Sometimes you just need someone to tell and let out how you are feeling inside. I hope things start looking up for you. I am praying for you!! Your Friend


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