Thursday, April 26, 2012
Side Note - Where My Head Was Today
I have a lot of people tell me that even though they have not lost their spouse that they feel they understand the grief of a widow a little more now than they did before. They also tell me that they are trying to spend more time with their spouse now. They say it is due to the blogs I wrote during Ben's 4 ½ month hospital stay and during the past 10 ½ months since he passed away. I am glad that my words have “inspired” others. I would imagine that people who have not lost their spouse think that the first few months of the grief journey is the worst. It is true that the grief attacks and tears come more often during those early months. The wound is so raw and you are trying to sort your new life without that one person you loved more than life itself. The person who knew you better than anyone else and who you trusted with your heart. But I have found that the closer I get to the 1 year anniversary of Ben's death that the pain cuts deeper. I think it is because even though the wound has started to heal and scar over, the numbness you feel those first few months has completely gone away and the knowledge that I will never again hear Ben's voice, I will never be able to hug him again and I will never be able to look into his eyes again has now become a reality. I can only hope that in the next few months that the hole in my heart will continue to close and I will be ready to accept the rest of my new life and that I will one day be happy again.