Sunday, August 28, 2011
Well, yesterday after the girl came and took the gas BBQ grill, I came back into the house and sobbed for about 20 minutes. I thought I was ready to let some things go, but then I guess I started thinking about when we first bought the grill, Ben would grill on it about 2 or 3 times a week. He loved grilled steaks. I could take them or leave them. We had not used that grill for quite awhile in the past year to year and a half. That's why I thought I'd have no problem giving it away, but then the memories flooded back. I took ½ of a Lorazepam (Ativan) pill to calm me down. It also helped me to sleep last night. I went to bed around 9:30 pm and I think I only woke up maybe once all night. But when I woke up this morning, I cried again thinking of Ben. I just hope that every time I try to get rid of something of Ben's or that has a memory connected to it, I don't cry. Today I discovered a television station that Ben would have loved. It's called “Antenna TV KTLA 5.2”. They show old TV shows from the 1950's, 1960' & 1970's. Old shows like “Circus Boy”, “Rin-Tin-Tin”, “Iron Horse”, “Burns & Allen” and “Hazel”. Ben would have really loved watching some of these shows. Went out around 9:00 am to buy Ben's Lottery Ticket and noticed it was already getting very warm. Almost 80º by 9:15. I decided that it was going to be another day to stay inside with the A/C. Also noticed first thing this morning that today was going to be a day of tears because ever since I got out of bed, every little thing has been setting me off. My friend Karren Meggitt called me to check up and see how I was doing. I also got another call from a “general contractor”. This is the 3rd time I've gotten a call like this. I'm assuming they saw a public notice of Ben's death because the know my name. I guess they start calling widows because they think the husband is now gone so the widow needs work done. All 3 time it has sounded like the same voice but the guy kept telling me he had not called me before, which I didn't believe because as I said, sounded like the same voice and he always says “hello Mrs. Waggoner, my name is (which he says so fast I never can catch what it is), and I'm a general contractor”. That's where I usually stop them because I tell them I do not need a general contractor for anything and I hand up. Today I told this guy to stop calling me. He claimed he had never called me before but I told him that I recognize his voice and again told him I do not need a general contract and to stop calling me and then I hung up. Don't know if that will stop him. Guess I'll have to start letting the answer machine pickup my calls again. I stopped doing that when Ben was in the hospital because it was usually the hospital or doctors calling me. Don't have to worry about that now so I need to get out of the habit of grabbing the phone as soon as it rings. And so goes another day of doing nothing but sitting around watching TV.