Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Woke up around 6:40 this morning. Did not go to sleep until after midnight. I stayed in bed until about 7:30 and then got up and headed over to Wal-Mart to get some groceries that I had run out of. When I got out of the car to go into the store, the car door came back on me and hit my elbow. Now my elbow is swollen and bruised and my entire arm hurts now. I don't go on “normal” grocery shopping trips anymore. Ben and I used to do a huge grocery list and once a month, we'd go and really stock up on the non-perishables. Ben loved going to the grocery store. Now I just go and pick up what I've run out of. It's no fun going grocery shopping anymore. I'm in and out in about 15 or 20 minutes. Came home and had breakfast...bacon, eggs and toast. I know I'm supposed to watch my cholesterol intake but I just don't care anymore. I had a “cry” this morning. I started noticing stuff around the house that was Ben's, like his little electronic poker game and blackjack game, the zippered sweatshirt that he wore all the time when it was cool, which is still on the back of his chair where he left it in February. The cheap reading glasses he bought at The Dollar Tree. I still cannot wrap my brain around the fact that everything in this house, including the house and the vehicles, etc. are now “mine” and not “ours”. I cannot get it in my head that I alone, am responsible for everything now. I used to love my life. Now I HATE it. I would rather not have any of it and just have him back. Judy, the therapist who heads up my grief group gave us this quote yesterday "You think that their dying is the worst thing that could happen. Then they stay dead." It is so true. Every time I go to do something that was Ben's “job” around the house, I just start sobbing. I went over to Sam's Club to get some things there that I needed and then came home and cried some more. After I watched my soap, I decided to go for a walk. It was about 82 degrees, so I didn't think it would be too hot. I only did 1.4 miles. I took my MP3 with me and wouldn't you know...as I'm listening to my music, “The Dance” by Garth Brooks comes on my MP3 and stupid me...instead of changing the music, I listened to it and there I was crying my eyes out while I was walking down the path. I was sitting on the sofa watching a rerun of “The Closer” around 3:15 pm and I fell asleep. Heard the trash truck out front and it woke me up.