Thursday, August 4, 2011
Every morning when I awake, Ben is the first thing on my mind. Mostly the fact that he is not here with me anymore. Something I see or do reminds me of him or something he would say and then my tears flow. Today I had to go for an eye exam to see if I need new glasses. They want me to come back in a month or so to have them dilate my eyes so they can check inside. I told them I have to see if I can find someone to drive me. Normally Ben would drive me to these exams because the doctor would dilate my eyes and I could not drive myself back home. I thought this morning about him not being here to take me and I cried. When our loved ones are here with us, we don't stop to think how much we depend on them for these little things in life and how they were the only person in the world we could depend on for everything. Then I remembered how Ben was having eye problems. He could not see out of his left eye anymore due to eye surgery he had last October, so eventually he would not have been able to drive. He never complained about having to go to the eye doctor at Kaiser every 6 weeks. Even his eye doctor told me after Ben died that some patients stood out in his mind and Ben was one of them because he said with all of Ben's eye problems and them having to give him injections in the eye and Ben having to use several eye drops all the time, that Ben always come into the office in a good mood and with a great sense of humor. He told me most of his patients whine and complain, but Ben never did. When I got home from the eye doctor and came into the empty house, I felt even worse. Every time I do something that we used to do together, I just hurt so much.