Saturday, August 6, 2011

Solitary Saturday

Stayed up watching TV last night until about 12:15 am. After I fell asleep, I think I didn't wake up all night except maybe once to go to the bathroom. Woke up around 6:30 and decided to get up and go for a morning walk. Did 1.84 miles. While walking, I cried a little because I remembered something Lanny (Ben's brother) had said at Ben's memorial. He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to Ben. No Lanny....Ben was the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me whole. I've been trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time getting back to walking every day like I did before Ben got sick and I think I finally came up with the reason. I always walked alone in the morning. Some days Ben went to work and I left for my walk when he left for work. On the days he was home, he'd see me off and then wait for me to come back home. On his work days, he would always tell me to call him when I got home from my walk. If I forgot to do that, he'd call in about 40 minutes to see where I was and he'd yell at me for not calling because he was worried something had happened to me. On the days he was home and I'd walk, if I was not back in a good amount of time, he'd jump in the car and come looking for me. He always wanted to know where I was walking so he'd know where to look. I think because I knew I had someone watching out for me that way, I was not afraid to go out walking alone. Now that he is gone, I feel that no one is here to watch over me and it kind of scares me to go out alone because I know how Ben was always worried about me being out there alone. After I met Linda and she started hiking with me, he told me how glad he was that I found someone to hike with because he never liked the fact that I was out in the canyons hiking alone all the time. Ben took good care of me. After lunch, I decided to go for a drive. Had no idea where to go, so I headed up Bouquet Canyon. Bad decision. The last time I was up in this canyon was with Ben on one of our Sunday drives. Plus he and I used to camp there when we were dating many years ago. All of the campgrounds up there are not gone, but the memories still flooded back just about the time my eyes flooded with tears. I took a few photos at the reservoir and then came back home.


  1. Visiting some of these place is very painful,but,I think it is part of the healing process.

  2. Yes I remember the lonliness of knowing there is no one home to care. I did have my daughters but they lived in different places. I could have gone and stayed with them a lot but I just had the feeling I wanted to be home. Thinking of you everyday.


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