Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A Very Warm Wednesday

Had to go over to Wal-Mart this morning and pick up some things I ran out of....the usual....milk, eggs, tomatoes, lettuce. I wanted to get over there early before it got too hot. Went to bed last night at 9:15 am because I could not hold my eyes open. I think I went to sleep right away but I woke up several times during the night. As usual the TV was on all night long. I woke up around 4:00 am and turned it off. I was sitting around this morning thinking about how when Ben was alive, I used to pray that I would die before him. It was the “selfish” part of me that could not stand to think about living my life without him. Now I am so thankful that he was not the one left behind to go through this terrible pain and loneliness. I really do not think he would have survived it. Yes, he was strong, but he did not have a lot of friends and he did not have any interests or hobbies, so I think he would have just sat in his chair and grieved for me. Maybe that sounds vain on my part, but I knew Ben for 38 years and I know how much he loved me and depended on me for so many things. Plus financially, I don't think he would have been able to get by. I'm afraid he might have lost the house. I'm actually getting more money now than when he was alive because I'm no longer paying for his health insurance plus I'm now getting his social security, but his income would have dropped a lot because he would have only gotten half of my pension from Lockheed. He could have gotten my social security which will be more than his, but he still would have been getting less money than he and I got together when he was alive. Took my little bit of old gold and my nine silver dollars to the Gold Buyer Depot and sold them. Got more money than I thought I would. It will pay for my trip and then some when I go with my brother Keith up to my brother Ron's in October.


  1. Bless your heart! I know it is so hard without Ben! praying for you!

  2. Kay, I'm checking in on you. I hate how much death hurts. I watched Momma go through this. But I'm happy you have good friends and your brother. So you got a trip planned and that is awesome to have something to look forward to. You take care!

  3. I can relate to much of what you are saying.I too think that my Jake would not have handled being alone.God makes no mistakes,so He knew who would be able to cope and who wouldn't.That is one way i try to console myself.


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