Sunday, September 25, 2011
After Several "Good" Days, I Knew It Couldn't Last
“Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don't have”~Anonymous
I was feeling so “normal” when my brother Keith was here the past few days. It was so nice to have someone here in the evenings to talk to and it was even nice preparing meals for someone. Ben's memory was still in my mind and in my heart, but it was more on the “back burner” for a few days, but the minute Keith left to head for home, Ben's memory came forward again and the lonely ache came back. Cried for about 15 minutes last night. Woke up so sleepy this morning and my legs were sore. Don't know if the Friday hike just caught up with me or what. I went to bed at 10:00 pm last night and went right to sleep, but I just cannot stay asleep all night. I wake up several times. If I could stop doing that, I might be able to get a good night's sleep. It was very overcast when I woke up this morning. I knew it was still dark, but then my bedroom is always dark because I have tinted windows and black-out curtains. I always kept it that way for Ben as he liked to go to bed early. I kept telling myself that I needed to get out and walk since it was so cool outside. I still have trouble getting myself psyched up to walk. I used to love to go out walking when Ben would be at work and I would walk every day. Now it's like a chore for me. I finally forced myself to go for a walk around 9:30 am. I did 2 miles in 30 minutes. I think I have finally figured out why I don't like walking alone anymore. When I'm home alone, yes, I think about Ben constantly, but I have the television and my computer to deter my thoughts, but when I'm out walking, even though I have my MP3 player with me, all I do is think about Ben and the yearning and ache becomes uncontrollable and I always start to cry. I know the crying is good for me, but sometimes it overwhelms me. I washed my sheets and towels today and also decided to change from my “summer” comforter to my “winter” comforter, so I washed the summer one and put it away. Today was a very “teary” day for some reason. I was sitting on the sofa eating my lunch and I glanced over at Ben's “shrine”. I saw the picture of him smiling at me and I thought he looked so alive and wondered how in the hell he could be dead and I broke down and just sobbed. I guess the tears have been backing up because I have not cried for about 4 days and today the dam gates have opened up.