Thursday, September 29, 2011
My Thoughts On Thursday
“I wish that I could hold you now... I wish that I could touch you now... I wish that I could talk to you... be with you somehow”~Anonymous
Yesterday afternoon and into the evening, I shed a lot of tears. I was “talking” to Ben a lot too. As I've mentioned before, this is all “normal”, but these crying episodes just unexpectedly come over me. I'm told by other widows that one day, the crying episodes will be fewer and further apart. I sure hope so even though I'm also told that the more you cry for your lost love, that it shows how much you truly loved them. Picked up the Lotto tickets this morning and then mopped my kitchen floor. Forced myself to go for a 1.5 mile walk. At least today I didn't cry while out walking. I was however thinking about Ben and I was thinking how angry I am at Kaiser for not doing everything they could to find the second blockage in his intestine, which caused him to get so weak and eventually die. After my walk, I went out and sat on my patio for about an hour with my laptop. It was nice and breezy and I felt pretty good sitting out there. I used to sit out there in the morning on Ben's work days. I don't go out to sit much by myself anymore. I do go out there when my brother Keith is here visiting. I hope I can get back to enjoying my patio alone again. I really loved it so much when we first got it covered. Ben never really got to enjoy it. I don't like the fact that it is getting darker earlier now. I remember I used to tell Ben how much I loved autumn but that I hated the shorter days. I think I hate them more now that he is gone.