Monday, September 5, 2011
Lonely Labor Day Monday
“Mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have... The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits”~Shneidman
I used to think that the words “broken heart” were just that...words. Since Ben passed away, I know that a broken heart is actually a physical condition that truly does exist. Some days you feel like there is an empty spot in your chest where your heart used to be, other days you feel like a dagger has been plunged into your chest. Sometimes you feel like you can hardly breathe. Some days you barely cry a single tear-drop while other days, you cry so much that you wonder where all of the tears are coming from. Some days you feel so lonesome and so empty inside that you wonder where you will ever find the strength to go on living without that special person by your side. You knew that one day in your life that there was the probability that you would lose that special person, but you never expected it to happen so soon or for it to hurt this bad. There is no way anyone can understand this completely until they actually go through it for themselves. Very dark and cloudy outside when I woke up this morning at 6:30 am. Strange because we usually do not have this kind of weather during the summer. Since my brother Keith is coming up for a few days to visit me, I decided to go through Ben's sock drawer to see if there were any of his socks that Keith could use. When I pulled the drawer out of the dresser, I heard something “rolling” around in the bottom of the drawer. I took out all of the socks and there were 2 small pieces of a tooth and a silver filling. I guess Ben had lost a filling and never told me about it. Have no idea why he put these things in the bottom of his underwear drawer plus why they were lying in there loose, and I have no idea why he never told me unless it was because we did not have dental insurance. Well when I saw this, I just could not part with these little pieces. Sounds crazy, but this was Ben's tooth and very much a part of him plus contains his DNA. I put them into a small plastic bag and put the bag into the little silver box that contains some of his ashes. Went for a walk before lunch. It was totally cloudy but 80º and humid. Spent most of the day on the sofa watching TV again.
Another quote from me (not the Internet):
“Don't cry because he died...smile because he lived”~Me