Sunday, March 11, 2012
Hiker didn't wake me up to go potty this morning. Instead I woke up at 5 minutes to 7:00 am and asked her if she wanted to go out and she did. I fed her and because of the time change...went back to bed. Stayed in bed until almost 8:00. Got up, made breakfast and then Hiker and I went to get the Lottery tickets. I sometimes wonder why I still play it every week, but then I think about when Ben was in the hospital and he would always ask me if I got the Lottery tickets for the week. He just “knew” that someday we'd hit it big. If I won anything now, it would be nice, but it would not be fun like it would be if Ben was here. Took Hiker for her morning walk and then came home and vacuumed her hair out of the carpet. Noticed that “Smokey & The Bandit” was on Encore Action. It was always one of Ben's favorite movies, so I sat and watched it. I was feeling sad this morning while out on my walk with Hiker this morning, I started thinking about how I've changed since Ben died. For one thing, I am much more compassionate. I hate seeing people and animals being mistreated, hurt, sad, etc. I'm sloppier than I used to be. Ben used to always tease me by saying that I knew where everything was in this house. He would ask me where some paperwork was and I could tell him exactly where to find it. Now I cannot find anything anymore. I've been going through drawers and finding things that I have not been able to find since Ben went into the hospital last year. I used to be “neater” than I am now. It used to bother me if the house was dusty. Now it's dusty all the time. If I used to look out my kitchen window and see a weed growing on the slope on the north side of my house, I'd run right out and pull it up. Now there are all kinds of weeds out there and I could care less. I used to be so organized that I had certain days that I did my housework, even though I was retired and could do it anytime I wanted. Now I just do it when I feel like it. We become a different person when we lose our spouse. I thought it was just the time change that was making me feel so low today but while Hiker and I were in the park this afternoon, I started to remember that one year ago today, Ben was in Henry Mayo Hospital and they brought him out of the induced coma they had put him in after his first emergency surgery. I looked at the notes I was keeping back then (Ben's Journal) and here was my posting for that day:
Lynn Toler is staying with me over the weekend. We headed over to the hospital around 11:30 AM to meet Lanny Ben's brother. While all of us were there, they decided to wake Ben up completely and remove the breathing tube and take him off of the ventilator! He opened his eyes and looked at me and I told him I loved him and he actually said "I love you" back to me. I started to cry. Then he said in a very raspy voice "I wanna go home". He was looking all around the room and trying to communicate with me. I kept telling him where he was and why he was there. I'd ask if he understood and he'd say a raspy "yeah". I was so excited I didn't want to come home, but I know he is worn out and he should rest, so Lynn and I left around 5:00 PM to come home. I cannot wait to get back over there tomorrow morning to see him.