Sunday, September 9, 2012

Happy Birthday Fella

Today would have been Ben's 62nd birthday. I would have sang “Happy Birthday” to him and he would have told me that “it's just another day” and then he would proceed to tell me as he had every year for 30 years that he and the state of California shared a birth date. Ben never wanted to get a dog. He said it hurt way to much when they died. I've been thinking about how if Ben was still alive, I never would have met Hiker. I never would have known what a great dog she is. I hate that I had to lose him to find her. I've learned in my grief group that “the source of our happiness is also the source of our grief”. Took Hiker out this morning and it was pretty humid. While we were out I saw a couple, probably in the 70's, getting into their vintage 1950's foreign convertible. It was obvious they were heading out for a fun Sunday drive. I felt both resentment and envy...resentment that I no longer have Ben to do fun things with and envy that these two still had each other, but I wished them a good day. I was still killing those huge flies today. There didn't seem to be as many, but they are still getting in somehow. I've looked around trying to see where they are coming from but still have not been able to find out their entryway. After lunch Hiker and I went out into the backyard and it was so humid that we both just turned around and went right back into the house. Got up to 100° again. It's so hot that Hiker will go out to potty and come right back into the house without even checking anything else out. When it's cooler, she will sniff around and investigate things in the yard.

BTW….."Fella" was a nickname I had for Ben


  1. I know dates and anniversaries are rough, but I can see how you are getting to a "different place" and coping. You still have a life to live...filled with memories...but still a life to continue. You are doing well, and are an inspiration!

  2. I agree that is one of the hardest things of being widowed, seeing couples together doing fun things. I always wondered why I was singled out but I made it and you will too. Never completely get over it but it gets less harsh as the years go by.

  3. Well he looks like he was a fun guy! I do understand your feelings, I've felt them too. I'm always wondering what I did wrong to deserve having to live alone. The truth is nothing. It's just hard. Really hard. Thank God for your Hiker. She was sent to you to soften the blows of life.

  4. Hello Kay!
    Thanks for sharing this photo of your nice "fella". And also for sharing your thoughts on the anniversary of his birth. Just remember, this hot weather won't last forever and you can go on some nice long hikes with your HIKER! :-) Take care.
    Kay (another one!)


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